Why are kids reluctant to tell adults about bullying?

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I always figured that if you tell a teacher or an adult, they'll protect you, right? So why don't kids do that?

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[+6] - hingehead - 11/30/2013There's a bunch of reasons. Fear being the main one. Fear of embarassment and what other kids will think of the kid that can't take care of him/herself without 'crying to mummy' Fear that...
[+3] - Linkat - 12/02/2013Peer pressure; concern of being a tattle tale - overall they feel that by telling it will be even worse - as in the bullying will increase as a result.

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@PinkLipstick,

There is probably a bell-curved distribution
on that (like about everything else); thay probably do. I never saw bullying happen.

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

But the fact is, most people have been bullied at one point or another during their life, right? And it's not always physical, it can be psychological. Still, the biggest issue is getting the kid to talk to you about it. Is it because it makes them seem like a "snitch?" a coward? vulnerable? What is it?

1 Reply

@PinkLipstick,

PinkLipstick wrote:

But the fact is, most people have been bullied at one point
or another during their life, right?

No, not that I know of.

PinkLipstick wrote:

And it's not always physical, it can be psychological.

Maybe.
We might need to define bullying.
When I was 6, I deemed compulsory education
to be bullying, until my mother convinced me (grudgingly) of its value.

PinkLipstick wrote:

Still, the biggest issue is getting the kid to talk to you about it.
Is it because it makes them seem like a "snitch?" a coward? vulnerable? What is it?

I guess it probably depends on how the victim sees the situation.
I 'd have fought back or called the police, if I 'd had that problem.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Really? You were never bullied? Not even in High School or Middle School? Lucky kid. I used to see bullying every day. One day it would be girls spreading mean rumors, another day it would be boys getting humiliated. And there was always this one unspoken rule: don't tell.

I'm not sure why, but I want to know. This is because the other day, a family member of mine was bullied and she hadn't told any of us adults about it. We had to find out through other means.

So, why do kids always do that? Do they feel like we'll embarrass them or make things worse by talking to the principal about it?

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@PinkLipstick,

There's a bunch of reasons.

Fear being the main one.

Fear of embarassment and what other kids will think of the kid that can't take care of him/herself without 'crying to mummy'

Fear that adults aren't always around and can't be relied on for protection 24x7 - and bullies can be relied on to be vengeful and vindictive.

Fear that they won't be believed in a 'he said/she said' argument.

1 Reply

I'd say that commitment to the peer group is stronger than the trust given to adults.

Kids don't have the vocabulary or emotional strength to confront the bully.

Also, I wonder if kids can really appreciate the damage done by bullying. Only as you get older can you can see the ramifications.

1 Reply

@PinkLipstick,

PinkLipstick wrote:

Really? You were never bullied? Not even in High School or Middle School? Lucky kid.
I used to see bullying every day.

I don 't remember ever seeing that.
Things were quiet.

PinkLipstick wrote:

One day it would be girls spreading mean rumors,

I was not privy to what thay said among themselves.
I was never aware of any problems.

PinkLipstick wrote:

another day it would be boys getting humiliated.

That cud have resulted in death.
A lot of the students I knew were fairly well armed, in their own defense.

PinkLipstick wrote:

And there was always this one unspoken rule: don't tell.

A rule by whose authority??
I believe that I 'd have offered a jurisdictional challenge
to such a rule, and then violated it by appropriate complaints
to police or to legal counsel, depending on the specific facts of the situation.

PinkLipstick wrote:

I'm not sure why, but I want to know. This is because the other day,
a family member of mine was bullied and she hadn't told any of us
adults about it. We had to find out through other means.

So, why do kids always do that?

I was not aware that thay do.
U shud discuss the issue at full length with the reticent victim.

PinkLipstick wrote:

Do they feel like we'll embarrass them
or make things worse by talking to the principal about it?

I imagine there will be a bell-curved distribution on that
as with almost everything else.

Maybe it cud be possible that a threat against the school
from O.S.H.A. might be available, qua the duty to provide a safe place to work.
Not having researched it, I 'm not speaking definitively on that point.

David

0 Replies

@hingehead,

hingehead wrote:

There's a bunch of reasons.

Fear being the main one.

Fear of embarassment and what other kids will think of the kid that can't take care of him/herself without 'crying to mummy'

Fear that adults aren't always around and can't be relied on for protection 24x7 - and bullies can be relied on to be vengeful and vindictive.

Fear that they won't be believed in a 'he said/she said' argument.

I can attest to that.

In high school I once protected someone else from a bully, and I had to put up with his crap for the rest of the year.
Honestly? If I had to go back in time, I still wouldn't have reported it. There was nothing specific to report, and it just would have made the situation worse, as hingehead said, teachers/adults can't be there 24/7.

I just comforted myself with the knowledge I knew he was a big dumb lummox who wasn't gong to amount to much, which turned out to be true.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

I'd say that commitment to the peer group is stronger than the trust given to adults.

Geee, I was a student for many years, grade O thru doctorate.
I don 't remember my student experience as being that way.
I had NO commitment to the peer group whatsoever,
and I had no trust in any of the adults or anyone else.

PUNKEY wrote:

Kids don't have the vocabulary or emotional strength to confront the bully.

As I recall, the students had plenty of vocabulary (but no bully).
As a general rule, people usually minded their own business; I did.

David

1 Reply

@PinkLipstick,

PinkLipstick wrote:

I always figured that if you tell a teacher or an adult, they'll protect you, right?

Because they really don't protect the student reporting the bullying. Either the report of bullying is ignored or the report and the student is lost in the bureaucracy of the act of reporting.

It's an incredibly difficult catch 22. Either the student tells a teacher or counselor, etc... about the bullying and not much really happens. Then things can get worse for the student in terms of retribution. Other students might just join in on the bullying if the student goes to an adult for help.

OR the student doesn't tell an adult and it continues on anyway.

0 Replies

answer: because adults can not be trusted to not flip out and thus make things worse.

0 Replies

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

and I had no trust in any of the adults or anyone else.

hum, maybe you are MENSA qualified after all........

1 Reply

i was bullied in school. in 6th grade I told my parents. one of my biggest mistakes ever. they made a big deal all around about it and the bullying from that particular person ended, but my rep was ruined and did not even begin to get repaired till SOPH year.

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@hawkeye10,

DAVID wrote:

and I had no trust in any of the adults or anyone else.

hawkeye10 wrote:

hum, maybe you are MENSA qualified after all........

It wud not have occurred to me
to invest TRUST into anyone; no one is trustworthy.

Human behavior is un-predictable.
I consider it excellent to LOVE people, but very un-wise
to trust them. Their sentiments and loyalty can change
as fast as u can blink your eye; ideally, u shud have plans
in place (back-up plans) to abide the event of any one betraying u.
I don 't believe that trustworthyness is included in human DNA.
Human history is replete with people in the very closest
and most fiduciary relationships being victims of betrayal.
This has included disloyal (or vengeful) children, parents,
spouses, siblings, lovers, and business partners. This is not
paranoia of anyone being out to get u; its awareness of known
dynamics of inter-human personal relations for 1OOOs of years.

An acquaintance of mine, Marvin, the brightest fellow
whom I ever met in Mensa, took it a step further than I did
asserting that, given enuf time, all of the people u trust
will betray your confidence. I have not adopted that belief,
but I hope that we will all be prepared to deal with whatever
eventualities chance to present themselves. The thawt is father
to the deed, and failing to plan is planning to fail.

David

0 Replies

@PinkLipstick,

Peer pressure; concern of being a tattle tale - overall they feel that by telling it will be even worse - as in the bullying will increase as a result.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

Peer pressure; concern of being a tattle tale - overall they feel
that by telling it will be even worse - as in the bullying will increase as a result.

What is the rationale for failure
to challenge the tattletale beliefs??

I don t get it, if the complaint is forthcoming from the victim.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

Linkat wrote:
Peer pressure; concern of being a tattle tale - overall they feel
that by telling it will be even worse - as in the bullying will increase as a result.
What is the rationale for failure
to challenge the tattletale beliefs??

I don t get it, if the complaint is forthcoming from the victim.

David

lets put it this way: amazingly enough it seems that youth still have not bought into victim culture where it is cool to be a victim, something to brag about almost. this probably has something to do with them being in the ego building years so the last thing they are interested in is burying their ego under the label of victim. youth tend to be old school, where the acceptable choices are either suck it up or you change your situation. no whining, that is for babies.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

Linkat wrote:
Peer pressure; concern of being a tattle tale - overall they feel
that by telling it will be even worse - as in the bullying will increase as a result.
What is the rationale for failure
to challenge the tattletale beliefs??

I don t get it, if the complaint is forthcoming from the victim.

David

hawkeye10 wrote:

lets put it this way: amazingly enough it seems that youth still have not bought into victim culture where it is cool to be a victim, something to brag about almost. this probably has something to do with them being in the ego building years so the last thing they are interested in is burying their ego under the label of victim. youth tend to be old school, where the acceptable choices are either suck it up or you change your situation. no whining, that is for babies.

Well, thay r demonstrably willing to use weapons on one another.
Logically, that shud include allies n reinforcements. Yes ?

When I was a kid (and at all other ages)
I have not been averse to COMPLAINING
if I deemed it justified.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

When I was a kid (and at all other ages)
I have not been averse to COMPLAINING
if I deemed it justified.

and you have also told us that your ego was well built by the age of 4. you were not normal.

1 Reply

Why are kids reluctant to tell adults about bullying?

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