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Fri 2 Apr, 2004 10:46 pm
In the eyes of you I am a ghost, perhaps a shadow.
I've been trying so hard, but still you see right through me.
I talk, but you don't listen.
Your here, but your mind is distant.
You look, but your eyes are empty.
I cry, but you don't see.
I say good-bye, but your already gone.
You were never with me.
You were never here.
In the eyes of you I am shadow, who followed you to pain.
I'm sorry, this is all I could come up with. I can feel future potential,but the mood just needs to hit me.
It's a nice start, and just needs expansion.
lol...were u actually serious?
So what, thats a NO.........!!!!!
LOL...Well thanks for being nice about it then, but I prefer people to be blunt!
Seriously, it's a good thought, but it goes nowhere. One line just doesn't make a poem, unless you are e.e. cummings. Like I said, it just needs more...a story or situation, and some expansion on the theme. I'm always honest about my opinions on original writing here. No point in NOT being, it's just not helpful for the writer.
Ok Cav, Thanks. I actually posted that line for a different reason, but now that I look back at it, it could have something. I'm gonna get right on that.
Well, thats what I came up with for you. It's not that great, but it works untill something better comes to me.
I don't have cav's backround..but your poem says exactly what i feel sometimes when i like someone and they don't even notice me..I too am a shadow..
thanks stand up
i would have to agree with everyone that i do want to hear more you have a talent my friend keep it and hone it in the fires of knowledge
the dark lord
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