My Apologist Mother Think's Evolution's Funny...

What Evolution Says...

A long time ago, don't know when and don't know where, because there wasn't any where and there wasn't any time. But, a long time ago there was nothing and it was no where that makes sense. Nothing can be no where. Nothing doesn't have to have somewhere to be, because it is nothing, and nothing can be no where. A long time ago there was nothing no where, a long time ago when there wasn't anywhere. And one day this nothing all got together and decided to be something. Now something can't be nowhere, so nowhere is now somewhere, because you see it has to have somewhere to be something. Because nothing can be nowhere, but something can't be nowhere, it has to be somewhere. So now nowhere is somewhere and now nothing is something and this is a long time ago when there wasn't anywhere anyway. And now this nothing that has become something is somewhere a long time ago when there wasn't anywhere and it got to going round and round real fast and a chunk of something flew off of something which was formally nothing and is now something and when it cooled, it is the earth you live on and that's really something. And they don't know where the sunshine came from but you can't live without it so that's handy and they don't know where the water came from, but you've got to have it and you can't live without it so that's handy. And so there was water and sunshine and wind and the wind blew and the sun shone and the water rippled and the wind blew and the sun shone and the water rippled and the wind blew and the sun shone and the water rippled and that went on and on and nobody knows how long cause there was nobody here anyway. And then one day a glob of jelly (protoplasm - amoeba) came floating up out of the water and it landed on the shore. Now most jelly would have gone right back in the next wave but not this one, it was a real sticker and it stuck right there. For over four million years, four million years doing nothing one day it began to wiggle, I don't blame it after four million years I'd do something too. Now it began to wiggle and squiggle and giggle and then it came alive and then it died and the sands of time buried it, and it came alive and then it died and the sands of time buried it and it came alive and it died and it lived and it died and it lived and now you're not going to believe just what I'm going to tell you, but now, he teaches over there at the university. Don't get mad at me, I didn't say it. Evolution said it!

What Christianity Says...

For all eternity, there was something. This something lived in an infinite nothing, until suddenly this something surrounded by nothing, decided to create something out of nothing. Having infinite power, and infinite time to reflect on this apparent nothingness, this ever-existent something initiated something into motion (roughly ten thousand years ago), something which instantaneously became something out of nothing, and produced a good bit of dirt to create a breathing, walking something, minus a rib, because, obviously, to anyone paying attention, that something was used to create the newly formed female counterpart of the something that came out of nothing. This newly created something then ate something someone said was something not to be eaten, and upon consumption, this forbidden something (presumably made by the same something which created something out of nothing), created something which caused these living, walking, breathing, dirt-made, rib-missing somethings to do bad things. They named this something sin. Now, sin is an invisible something which is made out of nothing, but has an evil effect on something or someone-- namely those someones who choose not to follow or believe in the invisible, all-powerful something which created everything out of nothing. This sin requires someone or something to combat it, and that something is called salvation. Salvation is free, but only through something called a priest is someone able eradicate this evil-causing something thrust into the universe by a piece of fruit. And while this something called salvation is free, it requires a 10% tithe and the intermittent offering (but only in order for it to reach full fruit-evil fighting capacity). Sometimes it requires the death of another small something created out of nothing, in order to atone for something done by someone, supposedly because this all powerful something which created everything out of nothing, needs something to die in order for this something called salvation to happen. But wait—after a few thousand years (a blink of an eye for something which always has been something residing in a giant nothing), this omniscient something decides that his first idea of bleeding something to create salvation was off the mark. So this omnipotent something decided to send down to earth someone called his only son, who was tortured, killed, and raised from the dead in order to prevent the rest of the world from suffering something created out of nothing by this all-powerful someone-- and who, despite being the creator of this completely evil something, loves everyone dearly and is in fact busy at the moment building mansions and golden-streets for anybody who believes in the saving power of this someone who was never ever nothing, but nevertheless created something out of the nothing which never was. Now this something which came from the nothing which always was something, sits behind its computer (made by someone called a scientist), and tells those scientists that something cannot come from nothing, and that that nothing always was something, and if you don’t believe in this something, well, then you must believe in nothing, or quite possibly, be infected by the invisible something which required someone to die miserably in order for NOTHING to get any better.

Don’t blame me. I didn’t make this up. I just read it in a book.