Bad first lines...

I always love those "Worst first line of a novel contests." And I thought I would hold one myself. I have included some of my own, which will not be judged. So go ahead and post horrible opening lines for unwritten novels, and I will judge a week from today if I get enough. If anyone else wants to help judge, just PM me. In which case any submissions you make will become exhibition only. Thanks.


The tiny old Colonel leaned back in his office chair, looking surprisingly like a wicked imp, and in more ways than one, although none of them being any of the more prominent of imp-like features, like pointy ears, yellowish skin, or even being particularly devilish, but mostly in that he was tiny and old.

Getting used to life on the street was difficult for Evan, and as he stared at that discarded éclair resting prominently on the top of the alley dumpster it grew more enticing by the moment--although if you compared it to some fresh éclairs or even glazed donuts from the bakery it wouldn't be at all appealing--like how Lavern starts to look attractive when Shirley isn't around, and the fact that it was amidst garbage started to actually make it more appetizing, like Shirley is more appetizing when Lavern is around for contrast.

Time has two basic building blocks--Events, and the boring periods between events when nothing is really going on--the annoyingly frequent recurrence of which hurls time unceremoniously forward--which is the exact opposite of the direction that Leroy's ChronoCar went.

Mist snuck shamefully into the city, like a little boy who was out playing baseball with his friends on a muddy field, and when they were tired and wanted to go home they were too scared, because their parents would yell at them for getting so dirty, so he was elected to go sneak into his bedroom through the open window and get a pair of clothes for each of them, while the others stayed in hiding, but his mom just happened to be vacuuming his room at the time, and was surprised and angry, like a small boy in a misty city who is surprised and angry at seeing thick mist crawl in through his open window because he was going to play baseball that day.

(P.S. - It must be one single sentence, so no periods, unless there are used in an amazingly unique way.)