Ask Scoates

Hey, guys... you know, I'm still sitting here waiting for questions...

Why can't republicans and democrats get along? Do you think that there are too many utensils used in fancy restaurants? Is is okay to like someone even though their politics suck? Why won't men ask for directions when lost? And when we get there, how will we know?

1) Republicans and Democrats CAN get along. Weird, huh? You would never have guessed.

2) The real problem with fancy restaurants are cloth napkins. Ew, I just hate them! My favorite thing about eating out is paper napkins. You can just tear the things apart. Clean up every little mess, wipe grease off of your finger or mouth, and you haven't ruined anything, because it's just paper. With the cloth ones I am never able to thoroughly enjoy myself.

3) It depends. It's okay to like them as a romantic interest, but it's not okay to like them as a politician or as a person.

4) The male ego is more powerful than women understand. It is actually tangible and emits strong chemicals. These chemicals actually override our sense of location and direction, so men never actually REALIZE they are lost. When a man says "No, hun, I know where we are. I don't need to ask anyone for help. We'll be there soon..." and so forth. He actually believes it! Go figure.

5) You'll know because you'll be having fun.

Have you ever considered writing a book, or a number of books, in which every plausible question is answered?

If so, would you stop at an out-of-court settlement if us questioning A2Kers sued you for taking our questions?

Your first question is three questions. But don't worry, we can still be friends.

1a) Yes, I have started a fantasy novel.
1b) Yes, I have pages and pages of notes on horrible unwritten novels which no one would buy.
1c) Now THAT I had never thought of. The problem is that no one would actually sit down and read it. And if they did they wouldn't retain much. I have already thought of some catchy lines to throw on the cover. "How to know everything in two easy steps. 1 - develope a photographic memory. 2 - read this book.

2) Yes. Presuming you would all treat the concept fairly. In the overwhelmingly likely event that you would not, I suppose I would have to bring the entire matter before Judge Judy.

Dear SCoates,

I once posed a question to Mr. Know-It-All (Gus) that he could not answer. Perhaps you can. It is a perennial source of vexation to me. I do so hope you can help.

As Goddess of Love and Beauty, I am often called upon to play matchmaker. Thousands of years ago, Zeus gave me an ancient tome to help me with this task. It lists all the available men and women of the world, cross-referenced by age, nationality and sexual preferences. It is quite a magnificent volume, over two feet high and several thousand pages long, bound in top grain leather and gold leaf. Zeus insists it is authoritative, but he has no idea who authored it. Therefore, I cannot know if the information it contains is accurate. Have I matched up the wrong people all these years? It is a heavy burden to bear. If only I knew who penned this extraordinary work...but alas, I do not. I have asked far and wide for the author's name, but no one seems to know. Lives and loves hang in the balance, if you can only tell me...

I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who...
Who wrote the Book of Love?

--Venus

They would! This would be a modernist classic, like 'Waiting for Godot' or 'if on a winter's night, a traveller.' It would be like nothing else, yet be about everything. It's such a good idea. And I could get it published for you in England, as long as I get the title of 'Official Muse.'

As for your unwritten novels, you should show your ideas to me, I could be your impartial judge. Should anything leap out from your pages and onto a book with my name on, this is just an illusion. Ok, I'm kidding, I wouldn't do that.

And law is all about not treating each other fairly! I would treat it fairly, but if you neglected my calls, I would have to dust off my Uni Law notes and drama experience to compete in front of the legend that is Judge Judy. Although I think that Judge Joe Brown is far superior, don't you?

Drom, superior in what way? In a fist fight I wouldn't bet on Brown.
As far as my "novels" a couple chapters are available here in the writing section. Just look for my name. I can post more if you can really get me published... but somehow... I don't know... just, something about the way you offered puts me on my guard.

Eva, I am considered omniscient in that I have ACCESS to all knowledge. For example, I am personally a bad speller, but thanks to A2K's spellchecker, I have obtained omniscience in that field of knowledge. One vast source of knowledge, to which I am privy, is something called "google". I won't go into the specifics on this source, but I shall refer to it, and see if I can find the answer to your question. I shall not have you wait long.

Okay, I'm back. I have found A book on love. It was written by Toni Morrison and is available on amazon.com for $16.77. However, I strongly suspect this is not the one to which you refer.

No, please keep looking.

Eva, you will be happy to know I have tracked down the answer. That old forgetful Zeus... it seems he has forgotten that he, himself, authored the book. Or I suppose I should say "authorized." All the information compiled in that book is based on a questionnaire given to each soul as he is about to make his journey to this earth. So we have each had our say in the information associated with our name in that book. In an absurd twist on our concept of time, Zeus has managed a sort of inverse retroactivism, in having already compiled future data so that the binding of the book actually antedated the filling out of any of the questionnaires it contains. On a digressive note, it is a misnomer to associate Zeus and Venus. You are mixing roman and greek titles, where it is unnecessary. A good rule of thumbs is that all of the roman gods were named after planets. Of course... it is actually the other way around, but I don't think anyone cares.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, O Mighty SCoates!

What a relief it is to know that the information is correct! I just KNEW Ben and JLo were not meant for each other! Nor were Tom and Penelope...what a mismatch! And Ethan and Uma...get outta here! It was all right there, in the book! When, oh when will these foolish mortals learn to ask me first?!

On a side note: Zeus really hates it when I call him "Jupe." He retaliates by calling me "Afro" (my hair is SO not that ugly!) So we've agreed to stick with the names we like best. If it's okay with you, that is.

I realize of course that you can be called by whichever one you prefer. It was just inconsistent. It hurt the left side of my brain.

Venus was (supposedly) formed when Zeus's testicle was cut off by a fellow g-d. It fell into the sea and was swallowed by a giant oyster, which became irritated and formed a pearl - Venus.

Why must daylight saving ever end?

I can accept summer's lease having all too short a date, and such - but what did daylight saving ever do to anyone, except allow me a tiny precious bit of light when I come home from work in the winter, instead of forcing me to live my life in Stygian blackness?

Daylight saving is what allows farmers to better utilize available light. Non-farmers benefit, only if they enjoy their fruits and vegetables. My personal favorites are tomatoes and cucumbers.
P.S. - I always found it offensive that anyone would rhyme "temperate" with "date." Maybe it's just an american accent thing, but I see no rhyme.

Just curious, Dlowan. How many hours of sunlight do you get during winter? In the dead of winter up here we get sunrise is about 8:30 am till about 4:30 pm. During summer the days last forever, close to 17 hrs of sunshine.

dlowan - whereabout in Oz are you? general direction is fine if you don't wanna reveal your location.

-Jer-

The wabbit is in Adelaide, mostly, hippety hopping on her way.

I know lots of people who don't appreciate daylight savings time, can't fathom those opinions myself, I love it. More light after work, more, more, more...

But now, back to THE Book, by SCoates.

Adelaide is right. Don't know how much daylight we get in winter - not sure of our latitude...need Atlas...