Recipe For Disaster
Farm to table and “fresh” food recipes are great when the sun is shining and electricity is freely flowing. But what will all the farmers market-eers do if we **** up the planet? How will you eat in an armageddon world when there are no more local tomatoes or free range chickens? Good news, your local supermarket has all kinds of ingredients with expiration dates so far ahead, that you’ll be enjoying them for the rest of your gloomy post-apocalypse life. We’ve created the ”Forever Casserole” so you can see the kinds of things you’ll be eating long after the fresh basil and rib eye steaks have gone bad.
The Forever Casserole
Ingredients:
* Plenty of assorted canned Hormel meats including Spam, Vienna Sausages and Canned Chicken. Expiration date: Suggested 3 years into the future. Actual expiration date: Never! It’s meat that doesn’t go bad!
* 16 oz can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Expiration date: Indefinite. When using Dinty Moore Beef Stew be sure to use all of the hardened inner lid grease from the can.
* 8 oz can of Bush’s Original Baked Beans. Expiration date: 3 years, but that’s just a suggestion. 100 years from now, they’ll still be fine.
* 8 oz can of Corned Beef Hash. Expiration date: Not in your life time. When using a can of Corned Beef Hash, it’s tempting to try to keep it in it’s original shape. The same shape as the can. Try to avoid this. For best results, always break up the hash.
* 12 oz can of Spaghetti-Os. Expiration Date: 3 to 4 years depending on it’s can.1 It’s the longest surviving pasta known to man.
* 6 oz jar of Maraschino Cherries. Expiration Date: The jar says 2 years. That can easily be stretched into 5. You’ll need these for color. You’ll know they’re still good if they’re still bright enough to use as a signal flare.
* One box of Twinkies Snack Cakes. Expiration Date: According to legend, they’ll last longer than the Himalayas.
Step One
Take your Hormel “Good for an eternity” meats and mash them into a paste. No knife needed. Most of these long lasting meat products don’t slice anyway. They melt.
Step Two
Once you get them into a liquid meat combo, spackle that along the bottom of a casserole dish. Try to get an even layer and texture of meat by-product, grease and any extra fluids that were present in the can.
Step Three
Line the outside of your casserole dish with Twinkies. With all the grease that’s going to come flying off these almost-meats, you’re going to need a post-apocalyptic sponge cake to start soaking it all up.
Step Four
Now layer your beans first, then your hash, followed by the stew, and a full layer of spaghettios, being careful to spread each layer evenly around the casserole dish, one layer of canned goodness on top of another.
Step Five
Dot the top with Maraschino Cherries. Using this near-fruit will give you the sense that you did at least try to make this healthy. Finally, heat until warm all the way through in a microwave or over a fire if your apocalypse has no power until all the canned lard is completely melted.
Then serve!! And Voilà! There’s your Recipe for Disaster. Don’t worry about refrigerating left-overs. There isn’t one thing in this that will ever go bad. Relax and know that you’ve given your post-apocalyptic family all the preservatives they’ll ever need.
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