Sozlet stories

More Sozlet stories (and art!), please. I really miss them.

Aw, hi Miklos!!

I was thinking the other day that I was overdue to update this.

Always nice to get sozlet stories from other people... Sozlet's teacher sends home a weekly newsletter. In last weeks', she talked about what they'd been doing in a unit on properties of liquids, and wound up with:



(Guess who...)

******

E.G.'s been growing out his goatee/ 'stache combo. He was playing around with it and curled the ends of his mustache up. Sozlet said "Now you have to decide if you're a fancy man or a low-down dirty trucker."

******

She's reading with the second-graders now and love love loves it.

******

Young romance... oy. She's in first grade, right? 6 and 7-year-olds. But there's still all of this crush stuff going on. A friend of hers confessed his "feelings" for her recently. She likes him too and so decided that they were "together." I asked what that meant -- not much, thankfully. But it didn't last long. He got pretty grabby/ possessive -- threw a fit if she didn't sit next to him, that sort of thing. So now they're back to "just friends."

I worry she's still not assertive enough, though -- she talks about how she's put him and this other boy who also "likes" her on a schedule -- one of them is allowed to sit with her on like MWF, the other on TR, or something. The other side of her is always reserved for her good (girl) friends.

I asked why she didn't just NOT SIT NEXT to this guy at all, and she said that he gets so sad if she doesn't. So I'm not sure about that. She gives me the "I know I know I know" routine if I express any concern.

Her teacher is a little concerned too -- thinks sozlet's handling it fine but is being too nice.* This kid (the main suitor... god, "suitor"? I'll call him "E") sits next to her in assigned seating (tables) and the seating arrangement will change next week, with E at another table, purposely.

*

So I'm happy the teacher is on it but the whole thing is more than I expected to have to deal with in first grade.

Sozobe,

Thanks so much for updating us! These are, as always, great Sozlet stories.

"Effervescent" is a wonderful word. It's echoic: it sounds like what it means. A really good quality in a word, spoken or written. I've never understood the use of the synonym of "echoic"--"onomatopoetic." It sounds like the principal symptom of a dire illness (as in: "Patient presents with cyanotic skin and classic onomatopoetic breathing...")

Sozlet has structured a living example of between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place! "Fancy man" and "low down dirty trucker" make for very difficult choosing. I guess I'd go with "fancy man," as long as I could omit the striped sleeve-garters and the Bat Masterson-style hat.

Welcome back, Sozlet stories!

Heh...! I love it...

Thanks so much for the nudge and also for being such a thoughtful and lovely listener, as always. :-)

One more in the category of "sozlet stories from other people..."

E.G. was hanging out with some parents (no kids) and they were talking about how sozlet knows how to relate to adults. One mom said that during a social event of some kind sozlet wandered away from the kids, sat down next to her and said, "So, how's your family?"

E.G. and I were recently talking about how she's quite the social ambassador in this community. He's started doing this dad-and-daughter thing, sort of like scouts. The dads and daughters get together regularly for various activities. He loves how everyone knows sozlet and automatically thinks well of him because he's her dad, even if he's never met them before.

Sozobe,

Having been a teacher most of my working life, I am VERY glad that Sozlet's teacher wants to make sure that Sozlet knows that it's "ok to tell him no." It's a sad reflection of our culture that girls can be taken advantage of for their niceness; the boys are looking not so much for "nice," as you and I might define it, but for "accommodation to their wants." This sort of manipulation of kind people has been going on forever, but that definitely does not make it all right, and it can carry a real edge when kids are older.

When I turned about 30 (which to a high-schooler is older than dirt), some of my female students would occasionally ask the "old guy" for advice about their boyfriends. And what would I always end up saying if I felt a young women were being pressured or conned in any way ? It's ok to tell him no! I really don't think one can ever be too young to stake out his/her own space and ask for mutual respect.

So, bravo to Sozlet for being so kind. And bravo to you and her teacher for supporting her postive independence.

Sozlet's best friend from preschool (they've gone to different schools since) is over for a playdate. They met when they were both 3. They just walked by me -- so grown-up! Tall, self-assured girls.

A little startling.

Miklos, yes, I agree with your points about "niceness" completely. The change in seating arrangements has happened and seems to have helped.

Sozobe

So glad the change in seating has been made. Sozlet deserves her own space, as much as everyone else.

Doesn't that self-assurance in one's child make you feel great?! I used to love seeing it in our two daughters when they were young.

From my experience with our girls and my time teaching, I long ago came to the conclusion that, when it comes to self-assurance, the children who can potentially exhibit this quality to the fullest degree are girls. This may be--my guess--because females are innately more circumspect than males. In terms of evolutionary adaptation, this would make sense. I have met girls who, at age 6 or 8 or 12 or 15, know who they are, what has real meaning for them, and how to help themselves and others; they have great values and good energy.These kids could run the world--and they're NOT obnoxious; they've just completely got it down. Of course, from a longer view, they are still semi-dependent on their parents and their stuffed animals, but, hey, I'd be comfortable with their day job's being running the world! It would be a kinder, healthier place.

You have no doubt read all the research on what our culture typically does to girls. By 9 or 10, they have become so hassled by crazy, superficial expectations that many of them lose that lovely self-assurance (and the happiness it brings to them and others). If they are fortunate, they rebuild it around their early 20's. A staggeringly large number do not make it all the way back.

Among the fully self-assured girls I've met, there were far more aged 6 or 8 than aged 12 or 15. Sure, the effects of inherently powerful female hormones can do a number on the confidence of teenage women, but I ascribe most of the damage to our culture. I taught a scary number of teenaged girls who looked "battered," but they had lovely families and friends. It was the hammering of the culture that got to them: be thin, be agreeable, wear this brand of jeans, be smart but not too smart, smile when you're feeling down, you'd look cute with so-and-so, etc.

Boys take a hit from our culture, too. But it doesn't generally seem to be as extreme or incessant as the hit girls take. Also, I would see, again and again, that when a boy was in trouble with his confidence, the best help was offered by girls. I see this same pattern in some of the marriages of our adult friends; the women fall into becoming cheerleaders, trying always to pick up the pieces when their husbands hit a rough patch.

Our younger daughter has made it through to her 30's, self-assurance intact. Of course, she's had a few rough spots, but they didn't get her down more than temporarily. Our older daughter, by contrast, bought into the be-a-perfect-girl cultural plan: fashion-conscious valedictorian, racked by increasing uncertainty. She can do many things very well, and she's a great mom, but the self-confidence and the joy are not there nearly as often as they should be for a person of her accomplishments. My wife and I have encouraged her self-assurance every natural opportunity. Ultimately, we are great fall-back support but little help in the building-self-confidence area. We've come to think that some girls are simply invulnerable because they've decided early on that they're going their own way, not according to the unreasonable dictates of our culture. Our younger daughter, the free spirit, has always had a softspoken-but-firm screw-you attitude towards any person or any system that is asking her to do something that doesn't make good sense for her. How a parent might purposely bring this out, I dunno.
My hunch is that almost all girls from relatively peaceful homes have this self-assurance at some point early in their lives, but not all girls have the ability to hang on to it, no matter what their larger environment is
ordering them. But, I dunno. I do know, as the father of daughters, and as a guy who's spent most of his working life with kids, that it makes me sad and angry when I see beautiful self-assurance fade, perhaps never to return fully.

May Sozobe stay tall in the saddle! She sounds great, and you are giving her wonderful encouragement to be herself.

Oops! Sorry. Make that "Sozlet" tall.

Good grief--"fancy man or low-down dirty trucker" That is absolutely classic...

:-)

Thanks for your thoughts, Miklos. I look forward to having you (and Noddy and JPB and squinney and many other wonderful A2K'ers) as a resource as sozlet gets older and the parenting skillset required changes...

One thing I'm struggling with now is the messages to give a smart kid. I mentioned above that sozlet is reading with the second-graders. She is a very, very good reader (something like 5th grade level, dunno). E.G. was a very smart kid too and skipped a grade -- it was done in a boneheaded way (mid-year, among other things) and it ended up being a really traumatic experience for him. When he found out about the reading move he asked her all kinds of things like, "What do your classmates think about you reading with the second-graders? What do the second-graders you're reading with think?" etc. There was also some advice to her to not make too big of a deal out of it. I signed to him (while she couldn't see me) to calm down a bit -- that being smart is GOOD. I didn't want her to feel anxious about it.

We talked more about it later. I got mostly good feedback for being smart when I was a kid. E.G. had a terrible time with it. He really doesn't want her to be stigmatized for her intelligence.

So yesterday, sozlet had that playdate with an old friend, who she's seen only a couple of times this school year. We were talking about the playdate afterwards, and reading came up somehow. Sozlet said something like, "I was going to tell her about reading with the second graders but I decided not to, and later I was happy about that because it turns out she's not a very good reader."

Hmm.

I dunno. I really want her to consider it a good thing that she's smart. I get that obnoxiousness should be avoided. I don't want some sort of... competition? to be set up. She's a very good reader. That's cool. That doesn't necessarily have to be contrasted with anything else... ya know? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Her friend is a much better singer than sozlet is. Etc.

There isn't anything really urgent about it but I don't have as firm of a grip on the issue as I would like, so feedback appreciated.

Sozobe,

It sounds as if Sozlet has just the right idea here: read with the second-graders but don't bring it up (although it will be obvious to her friends) to someone who might be jealous (more likely the friend's parents would be jealous!) or rubbed the wrong way. Kids are usually remarkably flexible about what their classmates do in school.

Skipping grades can be problematic (especially, mid-year!), but our younger daughter skipped second grade without any recriminations. She had been deeply bored in first grade, so, thankfully, her teachers put her through to third. Boredom is really tough on bright kids; they can become disaffected with the whole idea of school, no matter how many friends they might have, because, basically, they are being penalized for being smart--and they can perceive the hypocrisy (school is supposed to make you smarter, so why am I bored and having to stay still in my chair, going nowhere, except in my restless mind?)

I was an unusual case as a nursery-schooler, as I already knew how to read well. Maybe, my mother and grandmother were bored during WWII and decided to teach me. I don't remember not reading. They also taught me the Latin names for all the common plants. That, I kept to myself! But, at age 2.5, I was a eager reader--and I had a whole LOT of questions. My school was, thank goodness, very progressive for 1946, so they consulted with a child psychiatrist, and, four days a week, moms of my classmates (these were the years of stay-at-home mothers--whether the women wanted/needed to work or not) would spend one-hour periods with me one-on-one, reading and trying to answer my bottomless questions about the way the world worked. They were very kind to me, and I am still in touch with one, who is now 95. I have been forever grateful, as my school, in the person of these kind, generous women, saved me from boredom. I LOVED school!

My classmates made no remarks about my non-standard schedule. Some of them had special treatment--simply of a different kind. Most of the day, we all happily drew, painted, and built blocks together. The school also had small animals we cared for. A cool place. Beauvoir School, Washington, D.C. Bless them!

A few kids can be mean, but I think it unlikely that Sozlet will be hassled for reading with older kids. And, by doing so, she'll likely be far less likely to be bored--and more likely to love school. Boredom is hell for kids of any age, and school should be a place of intellectual excitement.

Kids develop at different rates physically emotionally and intellectually. Just because a child is a good reader at one stage does not necessarily mean they will be streets ahead for the rest of their lives. Other kids will catch up.

Composit classes are the norm here for many schools here ie class 1 upper level and year 2 lower level kids together class 2 upper level and class 3 lower level together.
I kinda get the feeling that our school system is a lot less competitive than yours
The kids don't care that much at that age.

Blowing your own trumpet has its place. I suspect it takes a good many years to learn where and what situations are suitable. I'd be willing to bet her friends will sort her out if she steps out of line, if not now then later in life . Your job will be to pick up the pieces and put them back in place when/if she does get blown out of the water.

Just to control for an obvious variable: How well did EG as a school kid avoid obnoxiousness about his own smartness? I'm asking because now that I think about it, I notice I could have done a lot better there. Although I wasn't smart enough to skip a grade, I was always the smartest or second-smartest kid in my class. I wasn't shy to let my classmates know when I thought they were being stupid when they didn't get something and I did. Needless to say, I didn't win any popularity contests for that.

There's a balance that can be struck between personal pride in one's accomplishments and becoming arrogant about it. I think between the two of you (you and E.G.) you can help her understand that balance. It sounds as though she's beginning to understand it already.

Like Thomas, I was at the top of my class through elementary school. I also was the youngest in my class (started first grade at 5) which wasn't a problem socially for me when I was younger but it became one in my teenage years.

Is she the only one in her class reading at that level? Many schools have advanced level classes in reading and math where kids from her own grade level meet in their own class for a particular subject. Our local grade school has 4 or 5 sections (rooms) within each grade. The advanced learners from each room meet together for one or both subjects and then spend the rest of the school day in their regular classroom. This begins in third grade here.

Dadpad, I totally agree that kids develop at varying speeds, "Physically, emotionally, and intellectually." I would also agree that a child who is an advanced reader today will not necessarily be an advanced reader several years down the line.

However, reading is a primary conduit through which a child picks up information--not just literal facts or narrative structure or means to pleasure--but also emotional and intellectual growth. A very good reader is apt to become good at a variety of endeavors.

As a former teacher, I always feel that it is better to assume that an excellent reader will continue to take off rather than eventually assume a common degree of ability with his or her classmates. Therefore, I'd assume that Sozlet, who seems to have a lot of positive reinforcement at home, is likely to stay at the head of her classes through the years. If she decides that she's feeling over-extended at some point, she'll let her parents and teachers know, as there seem to be good lines of communication. In the meantime, let her roll and have that fun!

My own early facility with reading gave me a general intellectual boost. I never mentioned this, but my classmates surely knew, as they asked me many questions--and later for assistance with homework and advice in how to deal with people whose agendae they found inscrutable. My solution, generally successful, to evolving a smooth school time for myself, was to be as kind and helpful as possible--and as sociable as possible. Because I was quick, it was easy for me to entertain, and people generally get along well with the kids who make them laugh and laugh with them.

... and here I need to add what I was thinking, but not writing, at the end of this paragraph. From what Sozobe is writing, Sozlet seems to be very good about paying attention to group dynamics, certainly much better than I was at her age. If the deciding factor is this attention, not so much the smartness itself, she may well have no problem at all in the first place.

JPB,

When I read the Sozlet stories, I don't pick up the least hint of arrogance. I hear a child who is playful and enjoying the fun that her abilities bring her. Also, she seems very sensitive to the feelings of others.

So many children have their lives micromanaged these days. That approach tends to kill off joy and self-assurance. Sozlet's family seems to be on an excellent track: let her follow her abilities and don't wring hands about what should or should not happen next--or where she should be developmentally. If her life is moving smoothly, there are no shoulds to think about. This girl is having fun and she's highly social. Who could want for more in his or her child?

I am glad you had a good time as a 5-year-old first-grader. In the teenage years, who can predict?! I spent a lot of time aimlessly wandering the city streets, smoking, and wondering about personal and global mysteries. Almost every teenager does something similar; if he or she didn't, I'd think blocking was being employed!

I agree, Miklos.

Hi all,

Thanks for your thoughts, they're helpful.

I think my main problem right now is with the idea that her reading ability is something for her to hide for fear of making other people feel bad. I agree with dadpad that while it's of course cool it's not really that big of a deal, in either direction. It's great but not GREAT, and it's certainly not bad in any way if other kids don't happen to read as well. I just get antsy about that thought process.

I don't think any of her peers have actually reacted badly, and I don't think they would either.

That's not really anything to confront head-on though since it's about self-consciousness, and "don't be self-conscious!" (or varieties thereof) usually only makes things worse.

So I guess just kind of generally keep up with what I've been doing, with an eye to reinforcing both enjoyment of learning/school (and she loves school) and being a good citizen, for lack of a better phrase. (Social, thoughtful, etc.)

JPB, she's the only kid in her class who is reading with that second-grade class, but a good friend of hers is doing the same thing (he's in a different first-grade class and is reading with a different second-grade class). They're already friends but that's a good point in terms of having other people around who are in the same boat. (He's fabulous, I love him -- big bruiser kid, great at football, smart as heck, and incredibly sweet. Not coincidentally I love his mom too. She went to a sign-up for a wrestling class -- he's generally very athletic -- and decided not to sign him up when the coach guy said "no crybabies allowed." She didn't like the attitude or the message. "These are first-graders! They're gonna cry once in a while!," she said.)

Minor one:

Sozlet has always had this phase she gets into that we've long called "tripping on another planet." It's characterized by stumbling around, not really paying attention, being fidgety, and making a lot of mistakes. There are a number of possible reasons:

1.) Not enough sleep
2.) Too much sugar
3.) Coming down with something
4.) Bored out of her skull
5.) Not enough personal attention
6.) Needs to pee


Yesterday she was in that phase (combination of 1, 4, and 6 at the time) and after crashing ingloriously to the ground (unhurt) said "I'm not only tripping on another planet, I'm tripping on THIS planet!" (I didn't correct her understanding of "tripping.")

Then she peed and all was well.