REMOTE CONTROL FREAK

Look at him sitting there playing with the remote control, chopping and changing channels as if he was the only one in the room. As if I his wife of five years was unimportant. Of course I'm only the little women of the house, my place belongs in the kitchen were all good women are kept. It doesn't matter that I'm the breadwinner, Oh I know he works if you can call sitting on your backside all day work, but that does not give him any rights especially with the remote control. I mean to be fair I have rights to. I know he thinks he's the lord and master and what he says goes, my word is law he say's especially when it comes to the remote. If he turns that bloody channel over again I swear to god I will bloody knife him straight through the heart. There he goes again channel one, channel two and channel bloody three. How much more is a women supposed to take?. Marriage is about sharing, but that excludes the remote of course. Maybe it should have been put in the marriage vows, I swear to love honour and obey to give my wife the remote control and not hog it to myself. Sounds good to me.

I can't take much more of this, "David I say in my most seductive voice can I have a shot of the remote darling there's something I want to watch on channel four" he looks at me as if I had just sprouted horns then he shouts at the pitch of his voice "Are you ******* stupid or what Carol, have you got that bloody mad cows disease and it's went to your stupid brain" For a moment I am confused I was thinking, did I ask him for money, no it was defiantly the remote control I think. My mind is going, but that's the way he gets me at times it never fails, he always makes such a big deal of things as if I had asked him for the impossible. Right enough I did ask for the impossible.

Maybe I should just give up, but then why should I. I should have some say on what to watch just as well as him thy lord and master. There he goes again turning the channels, putting the volume up then and down. He must be feeling inadequate that would explain his obsession with the god dam remote, or maybe he likes to be in control that's it he can't control me poor soul so the next best thing is the remote. What a sad pathetic man.

I did take the batteries out once and put duds in, but he ran down to the shops and bought more, that was the fastest he had ever moved, you would have thought someone died he moved that fast. Right enough someone had died the remote control and David was only doing what any normal male species would do under the circumstances, trying to resuscitate it back to life. (My Hero) I wonder if he would move as fast if I were in a life or death situation.

I am bored I would like to shove that bloody remote down his big fat mouth. It's not much fun watching a remote control freak playing about with the buttons. I can't get watching one programme for more than three minutes with his chopping and changing channels, and then there's the "Carol get me a cuppa, Carol the phones ringing, considering the phones by his side and it's always for him anyway, then it's Carol what have you done with the TV guide". but of course I haven't even read it never bloody mind seen it and what would be the point I ask you if I can't watch a full programme in peace.

I hate him I really do the way he takes over the remote thirteen hours a day seven days a week. I'm suprised his fingers haven't fallen off by now with the constant pushing of buttons. I was hoping that he would find some other obsession, me for instance. I used to be his obsession. Maybe he will get bored with the remote as he did with me. I live in hope.

My weeks holiday is nearly over then it's back to work waiting on tables, it's more exciting than waiting on the remote control. I have only seen bits here, bits there of the TV since I have been on holiday and it's not been bloody worth it.

David I shout to be heard over the volume that is up high, so he won't have to listen to me. You see I really have had enough. "David are you going to give me the ******* remote control so I can watch the TV". by now my temper is at boiling point. "Leave me alone women for Christ sake your worse than your bloody mother nag.nag,nag. No wonder your Dad left he bellows". Oh I hate it when he shouts like that and drags my family into it. Well it's time to take action. I walk calmly into the hall cupboard and bring out the hatchet, calm as you like I walk over to the ******* TV just one hit right in the middle of the screen that's all it took and that was the end of that, then I grab the remote control from David who is so shocked by my actions that he sits there pathetically with his mouth opened. "Close your mouth David before you catch flies" I say, then I take the remote throw it on the floor and jump on it until it's in pieces. I then look at David and say angrly "You bastard you selfish bastard you really are the limit, we are supposed to be on holiday do you know what that means, well let me explain just in case you are to stupid to comprehend the meaning. When you take a week of work it does not mean you bring the work home with you again did you notice how I said again did your stupid brain take that in. You pig your always bring your work home you just can't leave it can you not even when your supposed to be off for a week you great big useless lump, and I told you to close your mouth before you catch flies". You see David's job was a TV critic and he was always bringing his work home which was getting right up my nose.