Will my girlfriend forgive me?

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I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months. Last year (6 Months ago) I went to Ibiza with some friends. One evening I got very drunk (blacked out, can barely remember anything) and had to be taken home to bed as I fell asleep in a bar.

I cant remember making my way home. However friends have told me that they brought some girls back with them. And one of them woke me up. And immediately tried it on with me. To which I said no, I have a girlfriend. My friends were also in the room at the time and have told me that she continued to ask me and I got more and more angry saying no. After this had gone on for a while I am told that we all moved downstairs to the girls apartments and I was taken along by a friend ( Still cant remember a thing at this point)

Whilst dwnstairs all of us were on one bed, and apparently there was alot of boystrous activity from all the boys (and girls) alot of teasing etc. this is where my first memory comes in. I can remember the girl in question saying to me dont do that you'll make me too horny. (what I actually did remains a mystery to me) However whilst in that bed my friends have said to me that whenever she tried to kiss me, I resisted and whenever she asked for sex I said no. Eventually ultimately she kicked me out of bed, and said "why are you here if you have a girlfriend"? I cant remember anything from this point but I have been told by friends that I said I am going back upstairs to bed. To which one friend followed me. As I got back to my bed the girl in question ran past me and got into my bed. I can then remember saying "**** Off I want to go to bed" My friend then left me with her and went to his bed next door.

From this point all I can remember is saying no many times, but also her saying "please take your pants down" and " you have cummed on my hand, already".

My friend has told me I shouted him back into my room from his at one point. He says I said "please sleep next to me she keeps trying to touch my nob." he tried sleeping next to me, but the girl got off the bed, went into his room to start going through his stuff (a ploy to get him off my bed) He then ran into his room to see what she was doing, her plan worked as she then ran past and got back on my bed.(again I dont remember this)

Eventually my mate said he heard me get really angry and tell her to **** off.

Which she did.

I am not sure exactly what I did wrong.

Got blind drunk
Teased her, was a little boystrous perhaps.
Maybe she wanked me off after relentless pressure.

But since this event. My life has been hell. I have been for counselling. Been on medication. Unable to sleep. Constantly discussing it with loved ones and wanting reassurance that I am not in the wrong. severe guilt. I love my girlfriend very much, she loves me very much. I treat her like a queen and our relationship could not be better. We both agree that we are soul mates and have spoken about marriage in the future.

But I want to tell my girlfriend everything as I feel terrible and hate keeping anything from her. 5 Months I have suffered with anxiety over this event.

If I tell her, will she leave me?

Thanks

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@casual12,

Can I also just say I have never regretted anything so much in my life. And I am so sorry and will show my girlfriend how sorry I am. I know that this will NEVER happen again for as long as I live. I have never cheated before. Alcohol may have ruined my life....

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@casual12,

There is just no way for us to know, casual, sorry.

And I'm sorry this happened.

It sounds like at this point it has caused you so much anguish that for your own mental health it may be better to get it over with and tell her. But I just can't guarantee that she will understand and forgive, so that's the risk you run.

On the other hand, if you are having this hard of a time with it (and I understand that), that may negatively impact your relationship, too. As in, if your goal is to keep the relationship healthy, NOT telling her may cause its own problems.

Does your counselor have any advice?

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@sozobe,

do you think I deserve forgiveness?

Honestly?

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@casual12,

There are just so many variables.

It really sounds to me like the main thing to forgive you for is having way too much to drink. I went back and read your earlier thread about this, which I remember seeing, and you lay things out the same way there.

In terms of your own conscience, I don't think you were in the wrong.

But she may have a hard time getting over the idea of some sort of sexual interaction happening between you and another woman.

As in, there are two different things -- whether you are actually wrong (I don't think you were) and whether she will forgive you. She might not forgive you even if you weren't wrong.

When I looked up the old thread I saw you posted it December 1st. This has been eating you up for quite a while now. How is your relationship currently?

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@sozobe,

its very strange because my relationship is fantastic, and when I am with my girl friend, its the only time I am not worrying. I only see her once or twice a week due to obligations. I think its because when I am with her, things are so good. I am reassured that nothing can break us. When we are apart I start worrying and thinking the worst.

My girlfriend knows nothing of this and knows nothing is wrong.

I feel trapped because I cant tell her because losing her would make me suicidal.

Its hard to explain how much I love her.

I keep beating myself up. is alcohol really enough to blame this on? its no excuse. But I know this would not have happened had I been sober.

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@casual12,

It sounds like you were pretty clear about not being interested and she kept going. We were just talking on another thread about how if you are that drunk you are considered incapable of giving consent.

Even if you came, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Do you feel better about the whole thing now than you did when you started your first thread December 1st?

Remember that there is a possibility that your girlfriend will be understanding and will maybe even help you deal with the repercussions from that event.

The problem is, I absolutely don't know whether that will be the case or not.

Again, what is your counselor's advice about telling her?

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This is a repeat of:
http://able2know.org/topic/164768-2#post-4443107

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@sozobe,

He seems adament on me telling her so I can move on with my life either way. But I simply cannot taky any risk on losing her. I want to tell her but my body wont let me, it literally wont.

I know it was mainly down to her. But I cant help thinking I must be in the wrong for some of it.

Do you think that if she sees how I have suffered, knows about my medication, counselling and My loved friends tell her how I have felt will it make forgiving me any easier?

Surely cheats down act that way?

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@casual12,

I just can't tell you, casual, sorry. It really depends on her.

If you tell her, I think you just have to lay it all out and explain how scared you were of losing her but that it's been eating away at you and it's not abating and so you have to do something about it. Don't insist that she process it all immediately, and forgive you immediately. It will likely take some time.

From what I know, I'd tend to agree with your counselor. This happened six months ago and you seem just as upset about the whole thing now as you were when you started your previous thread Dec. 1st. If you can't move on with your life when you haven't told her, maybe you need to tell her and go from there. This doesn't seem to be a state of mind that you should continue with.

I really do understand your fear of losing her. Do you think you can keep going like this indefinitely, though?

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@sozobe,

I dont know, I really dont.

My family are getting sick of me going on.

I am feeling ill. But I feel like I would rather be like this than lose her. its really that bad. Despite me being unhappy.

It has scared me so bad that If I lose her over this, I really fear the worse for myself.

It does not bare thinking about.

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@casual12,

So your family knows about this too?

That adds a level of complication -- the more people know about it, the more likely it is that it might come out even if YOU are not the one to say something about it.

And while there are a lot of things that are impossible to predict here, I'm pretty confident in saying that if she finds out, it's much better that it comes from you.

Was there anything untoward about the trip itself? Does she know that you went on the trip and who you went with? This is not about blame, just pertinent in how easy or hard it may be to tell her.

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@sozobe,

yes she knows I went on the trip. And who with. I have always thought to myself that If she does find out somehow and its not me who tells her. I will tell her the truth, that I dont really fully know what happened and I was extremely frightened of losing her over something I cant even remember.

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@casual12,

OK, that makes it easier, if you don't have to open with "Remember that trip to Iowa I took last year? Actually I went to Ibiza. And remember how I said I was going to visit my grandma? Actually I went with the lads."

If she already knows that part, it's a lot easier to just go into the part about how you went out drinking, and you had way too much to drink. If you tell her (and think on it some more before you do), go ahead and accept full responsibility for drinking too much. Everything else stems from there.

One of the things that stems from the fact that you had way too much to drink is that you're just not sure exactly what happened. I'd advise you to be very honest about that (as you say above).

Maybe talk to your friends first and ask them if it would be OK if your girlfriend calls them for confirmation of what happened. Then if they say yes, have that info (phone numbers etc.) ready for her.

The overriding thing I'd suggest is that if your goal is forgiveness and moving ahead, don't pressure her too much. I know it's going to be driving you crazy, the time between telling her and getting a reaction from her. But she'd probably need to process the whole thing for a while and if you stay available and attuned to her but avoid being overbearing, I think that would help.

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@sozobe,

thats great advice. Thank you. My friends have already told me they would be ready to confirm anything.

Can I ask you 2 questions.

do you think I am a cheat?

Would you leave me If I was your boy friend?

1 Reply

@casual12,

Oh gosh.

I don't think you're a cheat, no. I think you drank too much and wound up in a bad situation. Men can be sexually assaulted too.

For the leaving you part, I just don't know. I want to say "no" because you're obviously having a hard time and I'd like to reassure you. But of course that carries implications and I absolutely want to avoid any hint of "your girlfriend should forgive you." Lots of reasons, but they include 1) who knows, maybe she won't, and I don't want to give you false reassurances, 2) I think your best approach is one of humility and hope, rather than thinking that she should forgive you and there's something wrong with her if she doesn't, 3) it's not something I've ever really dealt with, so I don't know. I was cheated upon but it was a clear-cut case that ended up in a breakup. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have blamed my boyfriend at the time if he had found himself in your situation, but at the same time I might have had a hard time with the idea that he'd had some sort of sexual contact with another woman, and that he's not even sure what the contact was.

Hey that brings me to another thought, have you had any testing done for STD's since this happened? Do you think the worst-case scenario was a handjob?

1 Reply

@sozobe,

this is the bit that seems so harsh. I did not want to cheat. yet I could end up losing my girlfriend. its such a difficult situation. Yes been tested. all clear. I am 99% sure it was just a handjob

1 Reply

@casual12,

Great about the testing, that's another thing in the plus column then. When I was imagining my boyfriend at the time telling me this (rather than the fact that he'd outright cheated), STD's was the first thing I thought of. If you can say "tested and clean" that's good.

But so hard that you can't be sure about what did happen exactly.

I really do see that this is a tough situation, casual. I think you've done a lot of things right in the aftermath. (Counseling, STD testing, talking to your friends about confirming what happened, etc.)

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@sozobe,

I have done everything in my power really. I know I did not sleep with her because one of her friends came up to me the next day and said " I dont think my friend likes you, she wanted some sex". I am just clinging on to the hope that she believes that people are not in control when blacked out drunk, that I have been counselling due to the amount of sorrow and regret i'm feeling and all I can hope is that she sees how sorry I am. I have been cheating on in the past. The reason it ended was because she didn't seem sorry. If I imagine this the other way round, and my girlfriend told me how she has suffered, been on medication, counselling etc. I think I'd find it hard to walk away

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@sozobe,

also, if it was definitely known that it was jsut a handjob, would that make it better?

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Will my girlfriend forgive me?

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