Stop it. I come from the frozen north. I'm bound to hate you if you continue on the hot and humid vein.
I'm freezing, some one get me a marguerita....
Driving in my town on Christmas day is like driving in a city after a neutron bomb fell.... no people outside. Very strange.
Thanks for all the Lehrer, the carol and the link.
Oh, margo If I only could, I would. Thanks, for the invite - maybe someday soon.
Ceili
In LA on Christmas Day there were giant traffic jams on the San Diego Freeway.... but here... the land is still.
here, the land is spinning....
Quiet in the streets here, but on a spinning planet!
The only thing I don't like is having to spend so much money that I really don't have.
Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass
Ohhhh...
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonias
'Cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo
Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your TV
Burn down your Christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
'Cause they ain't got nothing else to do
Santa's loaded with attitude
He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
His workshop's been closed by an auditor
And Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor.
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause he's had a really crappy year
Yeah, none of that fa-la-la-la-la crap!
Gonna put that one on my blogspot!
Well, W over the power of zero less than eight equals the sum of the above over M to you too Deb!!
These Red Peters songs bear re-posting here:
HOLY ****, IT'S CHRISTMAS
Red Peters with The New Christy Hamsters
SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho....."
Hamster #1 - "Did you hear that?"
Hamster #2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"
Hamster #3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."
Hamster #2 - "There is, too!"
SFX - knock on door
Hamsters - "He's here!!!"
SFX - door bursts open
Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"
Hamster #1 - "Aw, ****, it's Red Peters..."
Hamsters - "Awww..." (grumbling in unison)
Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."
Hamster #1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, no way Red."
Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah..."
Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"
Hamsters - "OK!, OK!...jeesh!"
SUNG
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
forget about out all that teasin'
we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
that's only Santa's business
he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
HAMSTERS
Santa comes just once a year
just like you Red, that's what we hear
he's got a soft spot for reindeer
especially Rudolph's derriere
knock it off fellas it's a holiday
go on give santa a big kiss
you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
(instrumental)
Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"
Hamster #1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)
Hamster #3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)
Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."
SUNG
(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
after drinking all the eggnog
(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
squashing off a yule log
(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house
but we minded our own business
(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube
(All) - Holy ****, It's Christmas!
(Red) Santa comes just once a year
up the chimney he'll disappear
(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
hamster deliveries in the rear
Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) "Gimme those lyrics!!!"
roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
santas tongue stuck to the doorknob
his balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
while the parson gave him a hand... what?
the sleigh came down and took him away
that whole damn crowd was dismissed
it was time to be jolly, a time to be gay
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
Holy ****, It's Christmas! "
Holy ****, It's Christmas! "
YOU AIN'T GETTING **** FOR CHRISTMAS
Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers
They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.
(barking)
I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...
"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."
Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself...
You Ain't Getting **** For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting ****
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting **** for Christmas
You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.
"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this address."
(sfx-cork and pouring sound)
Hey Ma, save some for me. Well, Ma took a coniption things turned ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she was yelling...
You Ain't Getting **** For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting ****
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting **** for Christmas
Well compliments of the seasons to ye!!
Quote:Orange City, Fla. - When the siren rang at precisely 6 a.m. Friday to kick off the Wal-Mart Supercenter's five-hour "blitz" sale, Patricia VanLester was first in line to grab one of the DVD players on sale for $29.87.
But before VanLester, 41, could inch her way through the crowd with her prize, she was knocked to the ground by a frenzy of shoppers.
"She got pushed down, and they walked over her like a herd of elephants," said her sister, Linda Ellzey, 48, who with VanLester had waited 2 1/2 hours for the sale to begin. "I told them, 'Stop stepping on my sister! She's on the ground!' "
Ellzey said some shoppers tried to help VanLester, but most people just continued their rush for deals.
"All they cared about was a stupid DVD player," she said.
The shoppers wouldn't even get out of the way for the paramedics who arrived to take the unconscious woman to the hospital.[/color]
"The people were all around this woman," said Mark O'Keefe, a spokesman for EVAC Ambulance. "They would not move as the ambulance crew arrived and tried to get to the woman. They were concerned about one thing: bargain-shopping."
Merry Bloody Christmas
Gotta Get (December Song)
Gotta get that inflatable snowman
Gotta get that string of lights
Gotta get that plastic Santa Claus
Got no time for Silent Nights
Gotta heat up those appetizers
Gotta get that champagne iced
Gotta get that party platter
Got no time for the birth of Christ
Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day
Dad threw up on Christmas Day
He puked right on the serving tray
The stuffing's come right out of Daddy dear
Now everybody's Christmas vacation
Will be filled with a viral infection
Maybe we'll all be better by next year
We felt more than a breeze
When Daddy had to sneeze
It didn't sound a lot like ah-choo
Mom was saying grace
When Daddy barked on her face
So Mom asked God to bless the vomit too
Dad threw up on Christmas Day
He got some chunks on Uncle Ray
Who kept on talking about his pancreas
We'll all remember Christmas Eve
As the last time we were free of disease
And able to digest some solid food
The stuffing's come right out of Daddy dear
Now everybody's Christmas vacation
Will be filled with a viral infection
Maybe we'll all be better by next year
Yeah, maybe we'll all be better by next year
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings" one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 20, 1986
Fred, What's with you and those ******* birds??? Today I received "Seven
swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds **** all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with those ******* birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids
a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is **** all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead, What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they have arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the screeching ******* birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick, Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****! The Commissioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies???
Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street Chicago, IL December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find
attached a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
Spinal Tap - Christmas With The Devil
-----------------
The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)
The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)
There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name
The rats ate all the presents
And the reindeer ran away
(Christmas with the Devil)
There'll be no Father Christmas
'Cause it's Evils holiday
(Christmas with the Devil)
No bells in Hell
No snow below-
Silent Night, Violent Night
So come all ye unfaithful
Don't be left out in the cold
You don't need no invitation, no...
Your ticket is your soul
Weird Al Yankovic - The Night Santa Went Crazy
-----------------
Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered in ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting a raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Well the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
Then he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with and old German Luger
And he slashed up poor Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
Then he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
Then he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circling 'round in the sky
Now the bullets keep flying the body count's rising
And everybody'd dying to know - Santa, why?
My, my, my, my - you used to be such a jolly guy.
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a Federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years.
(Alternate verse used in concert)
Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
A guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, that's his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
Now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night
With a lawyer negotiating the movie rights
(They talk about)
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Seems to me like he was tired of getting gypped
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting a raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Tell ya something must've finally snapped in his brain.
