A (very) short story

Forums: Original Writing, Writing, Creative Writing
Email this Topic • Print this Page

Hi there.

I'm new to the forum but have been browsing for some time now. This story is in its infancy as far as detail is concerned, but the plot is there.

Criticism is good! Thanks for reading Smile

---------------------------------------------------------

The girl is one year old. As she sits, the car door violently crumpled to her left, unconscious and with a streak of crimson blood dripping from her nose contrasting with her pale complexion, firemen desperately attempt to peel away the metal coffin that encases her. The loud zing of the saw cuts through the witnesses ears, as well as the deformed car frame. When finally freed, the paramedics take over. She is put on to a stretcher, her neck secured with a brace. But it's too late. She has passed away and is pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital: "the time is 5:23pm" says the doctor in a slow, solemn voice, before bowing his head.

[CENTER]***
[/CENTER]

"It's either today, or I can't go until next week," said the man to his wife "this is my only day off 'til next week, you know how it is". His wife sighed; yes she thinks as she rips the slice of bread in to small chunks, I know how it is.
She is stood in her garden on a cool January morning; around half of a loaf of bread sits in its plastic packaging on top of the table in front of her. The table, a dark wooden structure, usually reserved for the human species in the summer months, has become a feeding platter for the many birds that ritualistically patrol the garden looking for their feed: robins, blackbirds and magpies to name a few. She meditates on the conversation just passed. So let's get it straight, she thinks; he wants to go fishing today, while I, yet again have to pick up the kids, feed the kids, help the kids with their homework, without any assistance from him. Yes, that's right, she answers in her head. And why, she asks? Because he puts his hobby before his family and because he can't wait a week and go then...yes, that's it. It's like he's having an affair, only without the mistress, or the sneaking around.

She changes her train of thought. Nice day today, she thinks optimistically. The ground isn't frosty and it's unusually warm for this time of year, which means that it would be easier for the birds to feed on their own. She questions then, why she is giving them a 'free lunch', if there is such a thing. But, she lays out the chunks of bread on the table anyway, as she does every day in the winter months.
A magpie is first on the scene, as always, and from the kitchen window the woman observes the other birds gather around the garden. The magpie is undisturbed, however, and the inferior birds wait their turn. Full up, the magpie takes off with visible effort and flies away, and as she does, catches a glint of light shining on the lawn of the garden, tantalising evidence of a succulent worm. Usually the magpie would swoop down, take the defenceless worm and carry on her way; but she's just too damn full.
"Okay," the man says "I need to get some bait". "The ground isn't frozen today," his wife says "so it's promising that the worms would be easy pickings". He smiles and kisses his wife, "thank you, darling". He takes his bait box and scouts around the garden.
15 minutes later or so, he returns to the kitchen, bait box in hand. "Easy pickings, love. Look at this one; I'm gonna save it 'til last" He holds up a particularly fat worm level with his eyes and grins maniacally. The light glimmers off the worm as he rotates it between finger and thumb. "Nice" the wife says with a forced smile adequately disguising her grimace.

As the man sits on the bank of the lake on his fold-out chair, the sun begins to warn of setting as it appears bigger and a dark gold colour, so much so that the man can look directly at it. As idyllic as this setting appears, the man thinks, it could be made a lot better if I hooked a fish. With not even a bite all day, the man grows irritated.
His face rests on his palm as he stares into the distance, the movement of the tip of his rod snaps his attention. A pull. A harder pull. He snatches his rod from its stand and strikes into...water.

The fish took his bait from the hook and came to the surface slapping its tail fin; a kind of middle finger to the fisherman.

"gah!" exclaims the fisherman as he reels the hook in, a determined look etched upon his face.

Holding the hook between finger and thumb he glances round for his bait box. The last worm wriggles alone. He plunges the hook into the worm, with a twist, he hooks it again. Double-hooked, he thinks, good luck Mr Fish.

He casts out and hits the spot perfectly.

Mr Fish takes the bait, again. The man feels the line tighten and strikes into...water, again.

With a horrible curse, the man throws his rod to the ground.
With a heavy-handed kind of violence he throws his fishing gear into his van and sets off home more than doubling the speed limit in the residential area.

Through rush-hour traffic, that serves only to irritate him further, the man negotiates his way across from the sub-urban area through the town. With no regard to the rules of the road, he weaves in between traffic with the green light in sight. He speeds up to catch it. It changes to red. He pretends not to realise it changed and carries on through...straight in to the left hand side of another car.

The world slows down, for the man, at least. He looks at the red light and a flash of fear creeps down his spine and adrenaline pumps through his veins. He feels so alive. He sees the car: a bright red SUV making a right turn in front of him. His van slowly approaches the car, like a predator stalking its prey, the predator, like a lion off a rock, pounces on to the defenceless buffalo. Then time speeds up for the man; until time, for the man, ends.

[CENTER]***
[/CENTER]

The woman put the phone down with her left hand and with her right, covers her mouth and sinks to her knees.

"Mother, what's wrong?" the little girl asks.

She grabs the child in her arms, holds her tight and begins to sob.

After what she perceives as an eternity of tears, the thoroughly confused child is released from the frantic woman's grasp.

"Where are you going Mother?" the child asks incredulously.

"To feed the birds dear...to feed the birds."

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 950 • Replies: 10

No top replies

@Transcend,

I'm not sure why you focused on child in the beginning. Is that just to add additional awe to the mans actions later? I was thinking the child was going to have some kind of connection with the man but the only connection is the accident. A little disappointed by that. The comment the mother makes at the end kind of confuses me. It makes me think that she is going to give her self to the birds.

I'm not sure who to feel for in the story. You make the guy out to be inconsiderate so it is difficult to sympathize with him especially after how he is reacting for not catching a fish. I never have liked that kind of attitude so it's hard to care about his character. I imagine you really didn't want the reader to anyways.

The child who dies in the accident is difficult to sympathize for other than it being a child who dies but we don't know anything about the child so it's nothing more than a hallow feeling. Can't quite sympathize with that. Maybe if it was his own daughter it would be more heart wrenching but you could at least sympathize then.

The mother seems like the only real person you can sympathize with since her thoughts are much more available to the reader. You can also sympathize with her because she was the one who didn't want him to go in the first place which makes the accident much more difficult because of that fact. But like I mentioned, I don't understand why she responds like she does at the end.

Good story, and well written. I am curious of what the birds represent. What was your point of focusing on them? Is there a relation between the birds and the people? Just curious of why they got some attention in the story. Why is the mother so concerned for the birds?

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Wow talk about a swift response (punning on the birds entirely unintentional)!

The characters themselves are not designed so the reader has sympathy. The story is a demonstration of human involvement in nature. Had the woman not fed the birds, the worm would have been eaten, had the worm been eaten the man would have left fishing earlier and probably less angry (losing the same fish twice is irritating to some, the man has little patience - and should re-think his hobby...maybe wrestling would be more appropriate), so he would not have crashed into the car with the girl in it.

The mother's reaction at the end demonstrates how she realises how the feeding of the birds had an impact on the the crash. But she continues to feed the birds, because afteralll, aren't we part of nature too?

2 Replies

@Transcend,

Transcend;139025 wrote:

The characters themselves are not designed so the reader has sympathy. The story is a demonstration of human involvement in nature. Had the woman not fed the birds, the worm would have been eaten, had the worm been eaten the man would have left fishing earlier and probably less angry (losing the same fish twice is irritating to some, the man has little patience - and should re-think his hobby...maybe wrestling would be more appropriate), so he would not have crashed into the car with the girl in it.

Oh, well I guess I missed these facts. I had not considered there being an essential time nor his state about delaying his leaving to go fishing. The only time I noticed him being upset was only after the fish outsmarted him, I wasn't aware that he was annoyed by something else. Unless he was insistent in going to avoid something which you sort of imply but I wasn't sure since it is very typical for men to slight their family responsibilities for other activities. I know not all do it but it seems to be a typical attitude perhaps even a stereotype in my mind.

Transcend;139025 wrote:

The mother's reaction at the end demonstrates how she realises how the feeding of the birds had an impact on the the crash. But she continues to feed the birds

If the feeding of the birds had an effect on the crash, it would seem to me that she would do the opposite. If feeding the birds was a cause then wouldn't she shy away from feeding them ever again? Maybe that's only how I would react and why I don't understand her reaction.

Transcend;139025 wrote:

because afteralll, aren't we part of nature too?

Humans a part of nature? What planet do you live on? All I see are metal, gray concrete and roads every where. Starbucks on every street and trees disappear behind billboards. Humans aren't apart of nature we try to run from it every chance we get. Who lives outside anymore? Is there a place you can go where there is no road for a hundred miles in any direction? Sorry I guess I'm taking that a little too far, it was suppose to be a joke but turned into a rant.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Krumple;139039 wrote:

Oh, well I guess I missed these facts. I had not considered there being an essential time nor his state about delaying his leaving to go fishing. The only time I noticed him being upset was only after the fish outsmarted him, I wasn't aware that he was annoyed by something else. Unless he was insistent in going to avoid something which you sort of imply but I wasn't sure since it is very typical for men to slight their family responsibilities for other activities. I know not all do it but it seems to be a typical attitude perhaps even a stereotype in my mind.

I wasn't intentionally trying to stereotype, but it happened anyway. The man is just generally unpleasent and has a tendancy to lose his cool easily; unlike many women.

Quote:

If the feeding of the birds had an effect on the crash, it would seem to me that she would do the opposite. If feeding the birds was a cause then wouldn't she shy away from feeding them ever again? Maybe that's only how I would react and why I don't understand her reaction.

It's the exceptance of nature which makes her still be a part of it, by continuing to feed the birds.

Quote:

Humans a part of nature? What planet do you live on? All I see are metal, gray concrete and roads every where. Starbucks on every street and trees disappear behind billboards. Humans aren't apart of nature we try to run from it every chance we get. Who lives outside anymore? Is there a place you can go where there is no road for a hundred miles in any direction? Sorry I guess I'm taking that a little too far, it was suppose to be a joke but turned into a rant.

What you are describing, Starbucks and roads and such, is our habitat. Every single living thing has a habitat. Granted that ours is the most technilogically advanced, but it remains a habitat still. A silverback gorilla makes a nest every day, even if the one it has is perfect, it still makes another. It continues to make more, thus they only get better with the practice. Isn't this the same as humans? Didn't we start off like them? We did. The fact remains that we are still improving our habitat today. This is just my opinion, though. I believe we are as much a part of nature than a silverback.

1 Reply

@Transcend,

Transcend;139055 wrote:

A silverback gorilla makes a nest every day, even if the one it has is perfect, it still makes another. It continues to make more, thus they only get better with the practice. Isn't this the same as humans? Didn't we start off like them? We did. The fact remains that we are still improving our habitat today. This is just my opinion, though. I believe we are as much a part of nature than a silverback.

I was not aware of that. I guess this is something that can prove that capitalism isn't the cause of over consumption. Instead it is in our nature to over consume resources.

I agree with you though even though I poke fun at it. I think we often forget just how connected we are to this planet and the rest of the life going on around us.

It reminds me of the conversation I had walking out of the theater with the girl I went to see Avatar with. She said she was sickened by the plot of the movie after realizing that we are the humans in the story. Not exactly the kind of reaction you want a girl to have after watching a movie. But she was right, and I caught the same sort of settle messages in the film about how we only consider the economic gains of a forest rather than the natural wealth of sustenance they provide for life itself. We would rather cut down a forest and make it into a parking lot then to leave it alone.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Thanks for your responses, they have helped. Smile

It's important to remember that not all humans would cut down a forest to make way for a car-park; though people sometimes cut off their nose to spite their face, so to speak.

0 Replies

@Transcend,

I was mainly experiencing the sounds and rhythm. "A Magpie is first on the scene." "Succulent worm." "Easy pickings, love." "strikes... into water." Each time there's a hard consonant followed by soft humming... Hmmm. Thanks! More!

0 Replies

@Transcend,

Transcend;139025 wrote:

The characters themselves are not designed so the reader has sympathy. The story is a demonstration of human involvement in nature. Had the woman not fed the birds, the worm would have been eaten, had the worm been eaten the man would have left fishing earlier and probably less angry (losing the same fish twice is irritating to some, the man has little patience - and should re-think his hobby...maybe wrestling would be more appropriate), so he would not have crashed into the car with the girl in it.

I didn't realize the girl was with the father while he was enraged. Or maybe I should reread. Thank you for posting, I enjoyed it very, very much.

Edit...
Aah! The 1-year-old was in the car hit by the man, no?

1 Reply

@mister kitten,

mister kitten;139221 wrote:

Edit...
Aah! The 1-year-old was in the car hit by the man, no?

As far as I understood it, yes the man crashes into the car killing the child.

It's actually a really great part of the story because he is pissed off at something so trivial as not catching a fish. His life didn't even depend on catching the fish, so why be so upset over it. It annoys me about people reacting to things in their life in such a childish manner. There are people in the world who have much much harsher lives where they struggle every day but you don't see them throwing fits about it. A simple moment of self reflection gives no room for being mad over simple things. There would be far less road rage if people only thought for just a moment.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Arjuna;139197 wrote:

I was mainly experiencing the sounds and rhythm. "A Magpie is first on the scene." "Succulent worm." "Easy pickings, love." "strikes... into water." Each time there's a hard consonant followed by soft humming... Hmmm. Thanks! More!

I didn't purposely set out to do those things, but I think that somewhere in my subconscience, it came out as a natural result of the storyline. Good observation! I don't think even I would have spotted that :a-ok:

mister kitten;139221 wrote:

I didn't realize the girl was with the father while he was enraged. Or maybe I should reread. Thank you for posting, I enjoyed it very, very much.

Edit...
Aah! The 1-year-old was in the car hit by the man, no?

Yeah, you got it. I should make that a little more clear, I know. Thanks for reading! Smile

Krumple;139248 wrote:

As far as I understood it, yes the man crashes into the car killing the child.

It's actually a really great part of the story because he is pissed off at something so trivial as not catching a fish. His life didn't even depend on catching the fish, so why be so upset over it. It annoys me about people reacting to things in their life in such a childish manner. There are people in the world who have much much harsher lives where they struggle every day but you don't see them throwing fits about it. A simple moment of self reflection gives no room for being mad over simple things. There would be far less road rage if people only thought for just a moment.

I completely agree with you. People's reactions are something of interest to me; whether it be little reaction, or something like the man's, I find it telling. Their reaction to situations give a glimpse into their psyche. :detective: < the smilies are so great on here!

0 Replies

A (very) short story

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know