Reply Wed 5 May, 2010 01:57 pm

I who once had antiscipation on my open-field team
Was striven by the occupational of hopes and dreams;
To pen the greatful musings and other healing songs
Of a boy home who could not be followed by wrongs.
Once found shelter even in oblivious sadnesses tunes
Scriptures could have beens to quash the unruly runes;
Whos fated tears were shed by playground knocks
Not yet fears of dams built would bust the locks.
No battle could be lost with a painted well strung bow
You my youth beside and before me did fly by the arrow;
As i have grown knarled and boughed i forget my fletchings design
That the heaven, spirit and child, devine was all fond of the climb.
This age was not the quick wisdoms had, this frame no longer of the lad,
Lessons with torturous speed deformed, more than the mere feature lag.
But once more did school become the necessity fraternity
That i found quickly i am ill prepared for a lasting eternity.
I wondered to far and long along deaths roads and skewers;
That once deceased one could be freed form all mortal sewers.
How death then became a shoulderless burden? i am finding i ask,
Answereing my sagacity with a grin, that it is life wearing the mask
Life is the only thing with a past,
Death the only thing that cannot last.

I wrote this this evening and want to make more of it so may come back in a while to change it.
So if you like it at all check in on it from time to time, it may be brand new the next time you read it.

Do you think the ending might be better;
'That LIFE is the only thing that cannot last,'?
and i know it is a completely differnet ending but what if;
'Death is the only thing that WILL out last'?
maybe 'surpass' somewhere?

Thanks for your time eyes and mind.
I wont thank you for your heart until you give it.Smile
sometime sun.
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mister kitten
Reply Wed 5 May, 2010 08:25 pm
@sometime sun,
Instead of revising and leaving the old in the dust, perhaps you could post the whole revised poem as a reply, so we can see its progression towards perfection.

I liked it except for:
"You my youth beside and before me did fly by the arrow"
doesn't flow
sometime sun
Reply Wed 5 May, 2010 09:56 pm
@mister kitten,
'did die by the sorrow'

'fly like a tomorrow'

'smiles once free, i now must borrow'

'no longer a leader, now crawl to follow'

'once upon a leader, ever after to follow'

---------- Post added 05-06-2010 at 05:06 AM ----------

Simple really get rid of the 'me'.

'You my youth beside and before did fly by the arrow'

or 'by my arrow', 'by your arrow'?

'smokes of the yarrow'

---------- Post added 05-06-2010 at 05:06 AM ----------

'now hard to swallow'

---------- Post added 05-06-2010 at 05:08 AM ----------

'no more to follow'

'no yore to follow'

---------- Post added 05-06-2010 at 05:15 AM ----------

'ate out my marrow'

'a time you cant borrow'

'time is so shallow'
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mister kitten
Reply Thu 6 May, 2010 01:08 pm
@sometime sun,
Yes, take out the 'me' and it flows finely.
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