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Mon 2 Nov, 2009 12:00 am
This is simply a small thought I had. It's a theoretical conversation between friends, or a patient to a psychiatrist. Please, read and enjoy.
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"Well," I start off as my mood grows introspective. "I guess it started when CPS, the Child Protective Services took me from my father. They found the house a mess, covered in shattered glass, broken wood, and holes in the walls. They saw scars all over my body, and my father, biological, on the floor, unconscious. He hated me. When I was born, my mother died, and he hated me. He would beat me. He hated my genetic illness, the one that causes my large size of this horrendous seven foot height and peculiar red eye color, not including my tendency to pale. He called me a "bloody little vampire." Eventually, I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality disorder when I was twelve, I believe. Then, after subsequent visits with the neurologist, I was diagnosed with Manic/Depressive disorder. Eventually, my father's beating and drunken tyrades became intolerable, and eventually, I fought back. He hit me on my 16th birthday, yet by then I was a good head taller than he was. It pushed me over the edge. I threw him around the house, almost bringing the foundation down. It was saddening, really. I got taken away, sent to a foster family. The conditions there were almost as bad as at my previous home. I lived in and shared a home with eight other people; the two foster parents and six foster siblings. In retrospect, they honestly were good people, but I had become so hated and hate filled by that point that any attempt at kindness from them was met with unnecessary violence on my part," I say, sighing. "So tell me. What's wrong with me?"
@7skullz,
I would say identity crisis. Losing a mother at a young age you miss a bonding chance with her then having an abusive father who refuses to accept you. This reflects on yourself in a negative way as if your existence is unacceptable. But that is not the case however; any chance you have at realizing that is dismissed because your violent tendencies ultimately will push away anyone who would or want to accept you. The only way out is to accept that not everyone is your father, and your existence is not unacceptable. Until that happens, no peace will come.
@7skullz,
Mind you that this is not a true story, as I have yet to REACH sixteen years of age, and that I didn't expect an actual, analytical answer, but thank you Krumple. I guess that people may take this as an opportunity to assume the role of a Psychiatrist. In fact, it would be kind of funny to see if there could be a conversation between members assuming roles of psychiatrist, but that would defeat the point of this particular subforum.
@7skullz,
Interesting stuff, 7skullz.
One thing to consider - the father's line of "sanguinous ghoul". That's quite an unusual thing for a person to actually say. It's not typical of the vernacular. Of course, it's all an artistic choice, but I do not see the need to use such lofty language when plain speak would suffice. The right plain speak phrase could inject some harsh reality into this little snippet.
@7skullz,
Didymos Thomas;101431 wrote:Interesting stuff, 7skullz.
One thing to consider - the father's line of "sanguinous ghoul". That's quite an unusual thing for a person to actually say. It's not typical of the vernacular. Of course, it's all an artistic choice, but I do not see the need to use such lofty language when plain speak would suffice. The right plain speak phrase could inject some harsh reality into this little snippet.
If he was speaking from personal experience (that is, his father actually did say that - and he wanted to incorporate this into his writing), would you feel differently? If he replaced "saguinous ghoul" with another more common descriptor or deragatory phrase, it may detract from the... truthfulness... of the work. Or do you still think, from a creative writing perspective, that you should cater to the layman, so to speak? Just a thought.
7skullz, thanks for sharing, I enjoyed it. Even if it wasn't real, it seemed from the heart.
@Zetherin,
It's not so much about catering to the layman as injecting a shot of brutal realism into a story that relies so heavily on a mysterious illness. I think the father's line is the perfect place to shock readers back into believing the story (or making a visceral connection to it) by putting in his mouth something earthy, gritty, and realistic.
Who knows, maybe the personal experience is that phrase - again, it comes down to the artistic decision.
@7skullz,
7skullz;101173 wrote:It was saddening. I got taken away, sent to a foster family. I misbehaved, and would frequently beath the living day lights out of my new family members, so I got sent here. So tell me. What's wrong with me?"
The conversation or story would be more interesting, maybe, if more information about the reaction to the foster family- - -which was probably an improvement over the prior living conditions---were to be included. Did the youth, for example, have his hopes for a new and better life destroyed by the foster family, or was he so mixed up that any attempt at kindness, etc., was rejected and met with (unjustified?) violence? His attitudes towards an entirely new situation, one in which he might have a "fresh start" would tell us a lot about him.
@7skullz,
It's a bit difficult to add thoughts to your topic's question without knowing which parts are contrived and which are sincere.
@7skullz,
Wow. Well, thank you all for your comments and critiques.
>> Didymos Thomas/Zetherin: Yes, I do believe that the term "Sanguinious ghoul" is a tad bit too, well, unreal. It really isn't used in common speach, and really, language like that isn't used in common speach, unless I am speaking, in which case I will use all sorts of old terms (chronometer being an example). Maybe I should edit it a small amount, and provide more details along with a truly visceral, easily hate-filled word, or something to that extent.
>>jgweed: Yes, I do believe that a small amount more detail ought to be provided in that section, and I like your idea of rejecting kindness.
Thank you all and I shall soon be editing/tweaking the narrative. By the way; none of this is fact. It is all fiction derived from a short story I had written some time ago.
@7skullz,
It's a nice monologue, plenty of descriptive adjectives here. The one thing that's a little vague is the ending. For instance, the 'unnecessary violence' sounds intriguing, but something to consider is adding something to describe it.
@7skullz,
Awh, I wanted it to continue.
@7skullz,
Wow. I wasn't really expecting so many replies. Awesome.
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