Crazy Astromological Prescriptions

I write monthly horoscopes for a newspaper, for which I served as editor-in-chief last academic year. Typically I blend satire, humor, philosophy, advice, and ridiculous prescriptions. Enjoy! (Well if that is the right word)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Some things in life are actually worth waiting for, but no one would realize this from watching you. You are known for displaying you displeasure in waiting for walkers at intersections through typical unpleasantries. I suspect that very few Aries meditate or smoke pot to relief stress. Some things in life require patience and sound planning, which requires a concept of passing time. Learning to be patient is key to living a flourishing life through conceptual time, thus, people that meditate or smoke weed can cope with the passing of time to build up skills to do something meaningful. You on the other hand, cannot get over the fact that rude drivers and those pitiful walkers and bikers caused you to arrive at your destination 20 seconds later than you were entitled to.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This month it is inevitable that many a Taurus will lose all of their money. Some blow it all on slot machines believing with one pull of a slot machine handle the will win hundreds of thousands of dollars; while others will be suckered into a high stakes poker game with good friends trying to earn enough money to put gas in their guzzler; and some will inevitable succumb to their stock market addiction. The economy is partially based upon Tauruses losing fortunes due to being addicted to playing the odds. Without the Taurus, America would have already been deep in a depression. Continue to play your part. Gamble away my friend.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
This month is national Gemini Organization Month and also marks the time of year that everyone is amused by the new organizational schemes that will inevitably fail them. Experts on the subjects have been claiming that many Gemini are gathering up the inspiration to reorganize their wardrobe by color according to the colors assigned to different days of the week or organizing the bookshelf according to the color of the book spines. Everyone could learn a little about organization from a Gemini, but it must be noted that good things can be taken too far. The clich? "don't beat a dead horse" grew out of people observing Gemini behavior patterns.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Have you wondered why drama always seems to find you? According to a recent study by Intuition Inc., Cancer's are responsible for 82% of the drama in the world. The data suggests the world would benefit by reducing the Cancer birth rate by 95% before 2050 to avert potential catastrophe caused by drama rising. This month lock yourself in your basement to help confirm the results of the study. Don't worry. No one will miss you that much.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Set aside you opinions and idealism and listen to people before forming conclusions. Apparently others offer something for you to learn this month that is pertinent to your future. The crystal ball in front of me thinks that it has something to do with getting Cheez Whiz stains out of khaki pants or possibly how to avoid Sunday drivers and Amish buggies on back highways. Personally, I think it has something to do with thinking before you speak. Have you listened to yourself talk to people lately?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are still suffering from extreme depression because everyone forgot about your birthday. No one called, no one emailed, no one acknowledged your advancing age this year, and certainly no one bothered to give you a present. Maybe you shouldn't expect people to shower you with gifts. This month keep expectations low and understand your life could be worse. Remember that lifelong Burger King employee that ruined your lunch? That could be you.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You're still not dead, but this is not the proper time to correct that problem. You have many people to annoy in the near future with your obsession with politics. You just cannot seem to get enough political mudslinging, backstabbing, and rhetoric so you spend the majority of the month passing what you learned whether it's true or not to others. Only political candidates suffer more personal attacks than a Libra; therefore, you enjoy spreading the gossip to others. Without Libras political campaigns would be impossible.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month you should think about doing something out of the ordinary. Predictability is boring, and you are the definition of boring. Do something a little daring to spice up your life this month. I suggest driving down the wrong side of the street without your seatbelt on and picking a random vehicle to hit head on; riding a bicycle down the face of the Granite Peak Ski Area while looking for the largest bolder for a spectacular crash; or taking a swan dive off the Dudley Tower showing fine form as all your bones break upon impact. Consider it this way, no one really likes you that much anyway. If you are lucky to survive your horrific accident, you will find bonding time with one of those people that wish you would have moved away to a faraway land.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You think you have all of the answers that others seek, and you may be right. But why bother giving the answers away when you can take advantage of the situation. Sex, money, and broken lives of others await your future if you learn how to manipulate situations for your benefit. Sure most people will think you are scum and they will probably wish for misfortune to strike you, but you won't care because you will think you found happiness in material gain. Eventually you will be in your forties, miserable and alone because no one likes you and your good looks have failed you. Then again, you could learn to be compassionate towards others and stave off misery in old age.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You would probably have a social life if you would quit being so critical of others. Some people just are not as hard working or anal retentive as you and do not enjoy being told why you are so great. Most people given the opportunity would kick your ass because you are way too egotistical for your own good. Be on the lookout for Pisces this month because as a Capricorn you are an easy target for them to make mortal enemies since they are incapable of having friend.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Aquarians tend to have more friends than they know what to do with. The problem though is that they often mistake their MyFace friends as real friends. When the weekends come around no one typically calls an Aquarius to hang out unless stricken with self-loathing or severe boredom. Considering how much your life requires other people, you may want to learn quit telling others how awful the world is due to the dominant social hierarchical structure. Without others there cannot be a revolution. Learn to inspire rather than orate.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month all of your friends will discover how much of a loser you really are. When people begin to tell you they have to match their socks and coordinate their underwear by color or go shopping for Depends with grandma rather than spend time with you, it is time to scheme devious plots to gain revenge. I hear that an open jar of herring or doe-in-heat deer scent in a car seat or couch will bring sustained pleasure for the victims for foreseeable future. If you cannot keep friends you may as well make mortal enemies.