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Forums: Adoption, Confusion, Biological Family
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Okay this is confusing so here's some abreviations to help us out:

P = paternal
M = maternal
B = biological

Many of you have heard me talk about Mo's Auntie, we have a pretty good, ongoing relationship with Auntie, she's Mo's M-B Auntie.

Today P-B-Aunt came over with P-B grandma. We have a very good relationship with grandma and see this Aunt once in a while -- maybe a couple of times a year.

I like Aunt. She and Mo had a great time together today. She asked me, outside of Mo's presence, if it would be okay if she tried to spend a little more time with Mo and I said that I thought that would be fine. She then asked Mo if he would like to have an outing with her and he seemed to like that idea very much.

P-B Aunt and B-Mom have the same name.

When our guests left Mo said "I didn't know other Mom was coming over too. That was neat!"

I explained that she wasn't his other Mom but that she was his other Dad's sister.... his Aunt, not his Mom.

He seemed to take this in stride.... no big deal.... a simple misunderstanding.

But I confess it freaked me out a bit. I felt kind of awful that he had spent an hour with this woman thinking it was his other Mom.

I admit I'm a total scab-picker who will fret over anything and everything and I don't want to do that live, in person, with Mo so I'm doing that virtually, here, instead.

Should I just let this slide or should I investigate his feelings further?

Thanks!

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I would let it slide. Obviously Mo hasn't seen bio Mom for a long time otherwise he would not have assumed that Auntie is his Mom. To explain to him why bio Mom hasn't come around would only confuse him.

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@CalamityJane,

Yeah.... his other mom thing is hard. I understand her but I'm old.

He hasn't seen her in about 4 years, pobably closer to 5.

I've been thinking about her a lot since that "Santa" thread where some people were saying that you shouldn't ever lie to your kids.

I do lie to Mo about his other mom and about why she didn't come back for him and why she continues to be absent. I've convinced myself that it's more of a sugar-coating than a lie but it's a lie.

He doesn't seem to be showing any ill effects from his mistake so I guess I'll wait to see if he brings it up.

Still, it kind of broke my heart a little bit.

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@boomerang,

I think I'd let it lie and see if anything comes up.

Maybe just slip something into the conversation about the visit in a couple of days.

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@boomerang,

Quote:

it kind of broke my heart a little bit.

Yes. It is sad, boomerang.

I'm really in no position to know whether it's best to pursue it with Mo, or leave it. My hunch would be to leave it be & remain quietly watchful. I suspect he'll let you know (one way or another) if he's upset, confused or wants to talk about it more with you.

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@boomerang,

Another thought: If Mo remains enthusiastic about spending more time with his aunt, it might well indicate that he wasn't too bothered about the identity confusion.

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@boomerang,

boomer, we have special circumstances with our adopted children. I don't
necessarily see it as lie, more as an answer that is put on a shelf until Mo
is old enough to understand. It's better to protect Mo from feeling rejected
by his bio mom, as he would not understand now what he probably will in
10 years.

My daughter has had questions over the years about her bio family and I always answered age appropriate and mostly to her satisfaction. There will come a time when she is old enough to understand and hopefully will have compassion for
her bio family and know why they did what they did. It wouldn't be right
for a child to cope with such things now.

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@boomerang,

This reminds me of a boy named Quentin and his dad with whom
I am acquainted in Florida. I 've known them at a winter resort there.
He is now about 14 or 15. I met them when he was about 6.
I 've sent him money for Christmas and for his birthday in August.
He was raised only by his dad, who is a very pleasant man who has run
a small business cleaning swimming pools. His mother was not around
because she was in prison for anti-drug law violations. I was told that
she was eventually released from prison and had a meeting with Quentin
when he was about 13. I asked him how he felt about meeting her.
He seemed almost coldly indifferent to her (which surprized me)
as he mentioned that meeting. In contrast, he LOVES and respects
his dad dearly, even when he is being punished for his juvenile indiscretions.

Apparently, his mother has very little interest,
or no interest, in having an on-going relationship with Quentin.
From conversation with him, I see that he sincerely does not care.

Accordingly, I suspect that u stand much higher and much closer
in Mo 's confidence and affections than anyone else, Boomer.

David

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