Just whatever

For those amongst ye with a bit 'o' Ireland coursing thru yur veins ....

Here

Don't ferget to be turning on yur speakers

Moor

Important Things To Learn

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what

Never put used Depends in the trash compacter.

But it makes them dry quicker ..........

I NEVER know who is naughty and who is nice, how does Santa Claus know?

How To Feed Pills to Cats and Dogs

CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.
Howard Daughters

The Best Worst Country-Western Songs

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears

Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen

If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me

All My Exes Live in Texas

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight

I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me

If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling You Up

All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

(Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill

Peel Me a Nanner

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long

If Love were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Her Teeth were Stained, but her Heart was Pure

I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole my Girl, but the Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got an Even Deal

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

I Sat Down On a Beartrap (Just This Morning)

I Sent Her Artificial Flowers For Her Artificial Love

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

Gave Her My Heart And a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

Your Negligee Has Turned To a Flannel Nightgown

You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off

You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You're Going Against the Grain

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load

If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

Bubba Shot the Jukebox

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin' for You

Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.

Thanks To the Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

Mr. Miagi is dead, Arnold.

Pat Morita 1932-2005

Those songs sound bogus to the uninitiated, but I've heard many of them.

I dunno. My wife seems to have a knack for this and makes it look easy. wouldn't want to try it myself! :wink:

Ed, believe me compadre, I've lived most of em

Reyn, I had a lynx point siamese that would spit the pill across the room, sit down, lick a paw and meowww what could only be interpreted as 'bring it on' ...

"If ye love wealth greater then liberty, the tranquility of servatude greater then the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen" -Samuel Adams

Cheers to that Brother

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now


[Sigh] Some songs are SO worthy.

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS -- AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!
'She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires'

By Grace Green

MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel.

"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls.

"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.

"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach -- and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.

"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul -- Nicole's husband of 27 years -- wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.

On the threshold of a dream

reyn
That's just wrong.

Gel, this is very interesting in regards to the lucid dreaming site. I'm familar with the concept, as I was involved with Eckankar for many years and the art of Soul Travel.

Edgar, use the force. Imagine it, and it can be real! :wink:

postal worker was sorting mail a week before

Christmas when he came across a letter addressed
to God. Since it would be destroyed he decided to
open the letter and read it.

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter
to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet
and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds,
he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to
the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later,another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered
around while the letter was opened, It read.


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to
fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very
nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it
must have been those thieving bastards at the
Post Office.