0
   

Green Death is not a team, but a family.

 
 
DrewDad
 
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 12:40 am
Well, that’s one way to approach it

Satire is not for sissies.

Quote:
[Editor's Note:] From a March email by Michael Kinahan, coach of a soccer team for girls aged seven and under in Scituate, Massachusetts, to the children’s parents. After parents complained to league officials, Kinahan resigned, saying in his resignation letter that the email was meant to be “a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons.” The email was obtained by the Patriot Ledger.

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest-green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael, and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies.

Okay, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death is not a team but a family (some say cult) that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110 percent at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball, and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun, and I completely agree. I believe, however, that winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the W in each game. Although we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseous), I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. As I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal-liability BS, which included a thirty-minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps and bruises, even bleed a little. Big deal; it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistles. My heckling of the refs actually helps them develop as people. The political-correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth are becoming fat, lazy, and noncompetitive because competition is viewed as “bad.” I argue that competition is crucial to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second-place trophies are nothing to be proud of. They serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Don’t animals eat what they kill? (And yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat"it isn’t grown in plastic wrap.) And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat, and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now, and resist the urge to become sweatxedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in L.L. Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-accinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up and know they are playing for something.

We are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women, and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is to develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field, and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 01:11 am
@DrewDad,
I think it's funny. I got too many smarts to put it in writing, but it is funny.
0 Replies
 
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 02:47 am
@DrewDad,
I thought it was funny too. In fact, as a mom who'd have to hang out on the sidelines - I'd have thought, 'Hey - some potential here for an interesting season and some fun team get-togethers'.
0 Replies
 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 07:37 am
I like to think I would have recognized it as satire and would have really liked the coach. And my daughter is exactly that age and playing soccer.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:27 am
@FreeDuck,
I love it. My kid's one year older and playing soccer.

I think I might have started out in high dudgeon but after getting to the part about how they don't test for HGH, I might have grown a clue.

I read this before going to the gym, where I had a conversation with my friend about just this sort of mentality on her son's team (the mentality being sent up, that is), I'll forward this to her.
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:29 am
@sozobe,
Yeah, we had a particularly bad experience last season on Ducklet's team -- the first time on an all girls team. (Hint: children should never, ever, be yelled at and benched in a youth church league.) This year I asked for her to get on a different team so we'll see what happens. I think I would have enjoyed a coach with a sense of humor, as this one clearly has.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:36 am
@DrewDad,
I do agree with that last paragraph though. I think he didn't quite get in character enough -- some of it is obvious satire, some of it actually makes sense.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:37 am
@FreeDuck,
Totally agree about yelled at and benched. My friend's having similar problems.

Hope this year goes better for Ducklet...
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:44 am
I wonder how many parents did not see the satire in it? Very Happy

Lots of coaches don't have any humor though. My daughter had a soccer coach once (from England) and he was exhausting those poor girls to the point that they wanted to quit the team and complained bitterly to their parents. Eventually the "drill sergeant" was replaced by the father of one of the girls. He's Italian and a huge soccer fan - he nearly had heart attacks with every game, but he was great with the girls.
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 09:22 am
@sozobe,
sozobe wrote:

I do agree with that last paragraph though. I think he didn't quite get in character enough -- some of it is obvious satire, some of it actually makes sense.

He should have led off with that and developed his theme from there. (I agree wholeheartedly with that paragraph, too.)
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 09:28 am
@DrewDad,
Here's a slightly revised version. Reordered paragraphs and altered some punctuation:

Quote:
Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest-green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael, and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies.

We are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women, and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is to develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field, and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now, and resist the urge to become sweatxedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in L.L. Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-accinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up and know they are playing for something.

Okay, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called GREEN DEATH. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death is not a team but a family (some say cult) that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110 percent at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball, and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun, and I completely agree. I believe, however, that winning is fun and losing is for losers! Ergo, we will strive for the W in each game. Although we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseous), I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. As I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal-liability BS, which included a thirty-minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps and bruises, even bleed a little! Big deal; it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistles. My heckling of the refs actually helps them develop as people. The political-correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth are becoming fat, lazy, and noncompetitive because competition is viewed as “bad.” I argue that competition is crucial to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second-place trophies are nothing to be proud of. They serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Don’t animals eat what they kill? (And yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat"it isn’t grown in plastic wrap.) And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat, and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

Go Green Death!!!!!!

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