Hey! I'm cool!

Just ran across this. I had posted it on Abuzz a while back.


CHARM SCHOOL

Many decades ago when I was a guy; and a very cool guy I might add, the idea of charm schools was quiet common. We knew that girls went to them but never understood why. It must have been ok though because I never heard of a girl cutting class. I don't know if they ever graduated or received a diploma or degree but it did entitle them to be referred to as "Young Ladies" by adults. That was fine with me but, I do know for a fact that no positive conversation between a guy and an adult ever began with the phrase "Young Man…". Just didn't happen. Charm school didn't seem to do any long term damage to the chicks other than the few who felt that the concept of "hanging out" and going to drive-ins was stupid. They were also the girls that loved English class. Even got there early. Our concept of "charm" was fairly narrow but fit our needs. Charm was a girl that easily parted her teeth during a passionate kiss. That was charm! There were those whose teeth were so clinched, that a jackhammer would not have gained one entrance to the secret chamber. Their resistance, they claimed, had something to do with germs and oral hygiene.

Guys, cool guys, had a charm school that we also attended regularly. We didn't waste our afternoons and free time attending; that would be dumb, uncool. Our Charm School was open during the school day and classes were held in the first floor boy's bathroom. Dress was casual but there were rules that governed our attire. Cigarettes were always rolled up in the sleeves of your t-shirt. Professor Dean made that clear in his religious movies. Rule #27: never button the top 3 buttons of your shirt. Leastwise, if you had a cool date, no one could see your hicky marks on Monday morning. What good is a medal if it's not displayed? Another tenet we closely observed was, that no matter what you wear, always roll up the sleeves. That's just common sense. Church services and funerals were exceptions to this rule. There were small nuances to be learned also. The comb was always to be carried in the right, rear pocket. When it was removed, it was necessary to fully extend both arms forward prior to grooming. When stooped before the mirror pruning your locks, truncated sentences were acceptable. Yah, cool and, check ya later were grooming expressions. Quite often, they passed on into general conversation. That was cool too!

We learned that smoking in the presence of adults was poor etiquette. When an adult entered the restroom, all smoking ceased. You could hear all the cigs hit the porcelain ashtrays; psst…psst…psst…psst. And one should always empty ones ashtray when leaving the room; gush…gush…gush…gush.

We also came to learn that no self-respecting guy ever left for a date without a church key in the glove compartment. It just wasn't done. The concept and understanding of the importance of social gatherings were first taught on the first floor. An appropriate social gathering was always suggested on Wednesdays and final RSVP's were delivered some time Friday afternoon. If at all possible, the local drive-in movie should be included in the agenda. Pairing with a guy, who knew a guy, who had a friend, that could buy beer was a must. To obtain any semblance of social stature you either had to have a car or damn well have a friend that did. Busses were out and if the girl's parents drove you became a social pariah. Uncool. That was law. We learned true respect for the ladies and always asked, "You want sompum?" when at the drive-in, just as a matter of simple courteously. You were required, by code, to open the car door for your girl on two occasions, when you picked her up and when you brought her home. Parents enjoyed seeing that. It would definitely get you a "He seems like a nice young man" comment. And why not, you attended Charm School every day. The diligence paid off.

Sex was often a much-debated topic in Charm School. There were sexual facts to be imbedded in your memory, though instinct quickly overcame knowledge in any given passionate situation. The "Did you do it" question was always answered in the affirmative and with a tone of bravado. A comment like "What do you mean by it?" vanquished you to the second floor bathroom for an extended period of time. In essence, you were suspended from Charm School. Buddy, it took a lot of outside study and a solid internship to be readmitted. You would, in most instances, need a sponsor. You never made the same mistake twice. Another lesson, fast in the learning, was that you never gave another guy a note to give to your girl unless, of course, you derived some sort of pleasure from emotional abuse. I saw a guy crack one time when his note was turned in by another guy as a homework assignment for English class. It was tough to watch. Among other forms of etiquette, that dealt things concerning passion, there were countless series of acronyms to memorize. The most popular being S.W.A.K. and H.O.L.L.A.N.D. At times the dialect became quite difficult to translate but, if your girl wrote it to you, you responded in kind. Cool! Corresponding in a language, of which you have no understanding what so ever, and your girlfriend digs it! Hey, that's what Charm School is all about.

It made me the gentleman I am today!