12
   

Funny Amazon Reviews

 
 
Reply Thu 8 Jan, 2009 07:25 pm
Starting with this book review:

http://i40.tinypic.com/15wlz0n.jpg
 
Robert Gentel
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Jan, 2009 07:29 pm
http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/2961/biblereviewsu8.jpg
0 Replies
 
Robert Gentel
 
  2  
Reply Thu 8 Jan, 2009 07:31 pm
Quote:
2,787 of 2,793 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars The Worst Book Ever Written--The Shadow God, by Aaron Rayburn, January 19, 2007

By Charles Moore
"Trapped under a beam with the countdown ticking away, the monster just on the other side of the battered door, and my friends are trying to free me, I look up at them and yell, "Go on without me. I'll be alright. I'll hold him off while you escape!" And my friends, because they know my sacrifice won't be in vain, make their getaway and when the monster breaks through just as the explosives go off, I know I died saving the lives of my dearest friends."

That pretty much sums up my experience reading Aaron Rayburn's novel, THE SHADOW GOD. I took one for the team, so the rest of you would NEVER have to be subjected to this beast. I beg you, don't let my selflessness be for nothing. Heed my warning. This is the worst book ever written.

The back cover copy reads "Craig Johnson had two best friends, two caring parents, a hot girlfriend, and a nice truck--not bad for a twenty-year-old." Already we're in trouble. The author photo shows Rayburn in all his mid-20s virginal glory. Manson contacts, a black cap turned backwards with a red 666 monogrammed on it, he's posing next to what looks like a rubber demon. His bio includes the line "He also says that he owes a great deal of gratitude to the Devil . . . for filling his mind with such horrific images."

If this book is the most horrific thing the devil can come up, I think humanity is safe from the threat of hell.

There are so many things wrong with this book, I decided to keep notes so I could present them in an orderly fashion, with quotes to back me up. I don't want you to take my word for this novel's horridness, I'm going to let Rayburn speak for himself. We'll start with the plot.

Craig Johnson was cursed at birth when his parents left the town church led by the possibly-evil Father Spiers. Spiers then tricked Craig's father Matt into strangling him, only in the end, Matt had killed, not Father Spiers, but one of the doctors. So Matt's been in jail Craig's entire life. Shortly after Craig's 20th birthday he begins to notice a blue light emanating from his bedroom closet. He calls for his mommy (I'm not making that up, it's on page 14), but she doesn't see any light, so he plays it off like he'd seen a rat, and asks her to check in his closet. After she leaves, Craig is compelled to enter the light, which takes him to the Dark World, which is sometimes like a vast black void, paved of course cuz you have to have something to walk on in a void, and sometimes is like Craig's own neighborhood, complete with the houses of his friends. Those friends, Todd and Mark, are also pulled into the Dark World, but they make their escape and then begins the action as the three try to solve the mystery of the blue light and the dark world. To sum up--this book is 454 pages, okay?--Craig is the reincarnation of Abel, the Shadow God is Cain, and Father Spiers is Cain's acolyte, sent to prepare for his return to the real world. In the midst of all this Mark is killed and resurrected by Ridley, a club owner/satanist (he runs The Satanist Group Association. Again, I wish I was making this up!) and servant to Spiers and the Shadow God.

Craig's girlfriend, his mother, his father, as well as Mark's sister Margie and Todd's parents, are all killed and the cops think Craig did it. One cop does, anyway, Detective Jim Underwood, son of the doctor Craig's father Matt strangled to death 20 years earlier. DUN-DUN-DUN!!! There's a showdown where Craig is sucked into another portal to face Cain, who then becomes a dragon, and Todd jumps in to help his friend, they all die--except Craig--and we live happily ever after.

Okay, I know it doesn't seem THAT bad from the plot. But I haven't begun quoting yet. Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Rayburn wasn't even close.

"Spiers's eyes popped extraneously from their sockets, as his face turned from a deep red to a sickly purple."

"Extraneous" means "irrelevant." I don't think that's what he meant. At least, I hope not.

Here's my favorite:

"The lamp's glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement."

Emanating, Rayburn, EMANATING. When will people learn never to trust their SpellCheck without verifying it's the word they meant??? There are, in total, 11 instances of Rayburn using the wrong word, and believe me, each one is funnier than the last.

Okay, one more.

"It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before."

To be honest, I don't know what word he meant, but I keep seeing Craig's lung filing patents for a dozen new inventions, getting promotions for discovering an even newer formula for Tide laundry detergent, or finding the cure for cancer.

Then there are the characters. Craig and his buddies are all 20, they're in college, and they have cars and money. Craig bribes the guard with hundred dollar bills when he's trying to get in to see his father in
prison. Yet never in the entire book do these men go to class, nor to a job. Where did Craig get his "nice truck"? His mother works "odd jobs", so I doubt she co-signed the loan.

And the dialogue. Oh dear, the dialogue.

"That's probably the fiercest dragon known to man," Craig tells Todd toward the end. Because, you know, we have so many different kinds of dragons in the world with which to compare.

Okay, so he uses the wrong word and his characters are morons. You can overlook a misused word here and LOTS of writers are horrible with characters. Hell, I'm guilty of this myself. But sometimes he just
plain gets his facts WRONG:

"The stranger was beastly in size with thick, bushy eyebrows, a prominent protruding forehead, and a thick, black coarse beard. His gait was that of a mammal--a Neanderthal."

I know I never went to college, but um . . . do you think Rayburn knows HUMAN BEINGS are mammals as well?

And later we learn that Cain and Abel were Neanderthals who lived in the stone age, feared dinosaurs, and that Cain was kicked out of the Garden of Eden for slaying his brother. Dude, Cain and Abel weren't born until a LONG time after Adam and Eve--the only two people who ever lived in the Garden of Eden--were kicked out.

And not only is this the worst book ever written, it's also the worst-written book ever.

Behold:

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

And:

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."

???

Wasn't that already established in the previous sentence?

"Eubanks looked annoyed. He exhaled annoyingly and said..."

You know what? I could do this all night.

THE SHADOW GOD is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with publishing in today's world. Anyone with the notion--talent or not--can write a "book", then contact a place like AuthorHouse ("publisher" of this fine volume and, I'm sure, Rayburn's second novel which I don't care enough to look up the title to), and unleash this mess on an unsuspecting world. And then we wonder why no one reads anymore. Why should they? If this is the kind of stuff they're being subjected to.

Used to be a writer had to learn to WRITE before they could get published. Now, all you need is a couple thousand dollars and you got yourself a book. Talent? Who needs it? Skill? What for? Learning to write? Are you kidding me? Forget about it, I've got this here manyooscript and an address I can get it printed, I'mma be one of dem novelists. Riches, here I comes!!!

It's enough to make aspiring writers want to give up seeking legitimate publishing venues. Please don't. Just be sure to write better than this guy. God knows it won't be difficult. Or should I say, God knows it won't be deficit.
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  0  
Reply Thu 8 Jan, 2009 07:51 pm
Great stuff. Particularly the one about the guy in prison.
0 Replies
 
Robert Gentel
 
  0  
Reply Thu 8 Jan, 2009 08:27 pm
The reviews for this book are all pretty funny (the displayed ones may change after I post this) but that's to be expected based on the book:

The 2007-2012 Outlook for Public Building Stacking Chairs Excluding Bar, Bowling Center, Cafeteria, Library, Restaurant, and School Stacking Chairs in India (Paperback)
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  0  
Reply Fri 9 Jan, 2009 12:53 am
The prison guy Laughing
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  5  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2010 09:06 am
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcpur9eT9E1qzpwi0o1_500.jpg
Eva
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2010 09:25 am
@boomerang,
That's the funniest post I've seen in weeks, boomer! Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
Robert Gentel
 
  3  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2010 12:41 pm
There were some funny ones here on this (now unavailable) $100,000+ watch:

http://amzn.to/gkJFMa

Edit: even some of the comments on the reviews are funny.

http://www.amazon.com/review/R3JJBVJITH4SVB/ref=cm_cr_dp_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B002T4V3W4&nodeID=377110011
boomerang
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2010 01:02 pm
@Robert Gentel,
That was hilarious!
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  0  
Reply Fri 10 Dec, 2010 09:04 am
Not Amazon but....

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ld61wsKsgJ1qzpwi0o1_500.jpg
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Dec, 2010 09:42 am
Item description:
Quote:
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China [Paperback]
Icon Group International (Author)
3.0 out of 5 stars See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
Like (0)
Price: $495.00 & this item ships for FREE with Super Saver Shipping. Details
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o



Review:
Quote:
32 of 33 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars This is weird, January 12, 2010
By
brutus "momofthree" - See all my reviews
This review is from: The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China (Digital)
This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn't you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I'm thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!


But really, all of the reviews are pretty funny: http://www.amazon.com/2009-2014-Outlook-Toilet-Seats-Greater/dp/B001T44Z0W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1292427309&sr=8-1

Don't forget to check out what customers also viewed!
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Dec, 2010 09:53 am
I just can't choose one review so here's the link to a lot of funny reviews: http://www.geekosystem.com/funny-amazon-reviews/?pid=300#image
dlowan
 
  0  
Reply Sun 19 Dec, 2010 02:11 am
@boomerang,
Thank you!!!
dlowan
 
  0  
Reply Sun 19 Dec, 2010 02:24 am
@dlowan,
http://www.pcpro.co.uk/blogs/2009/01/30/the-10-weirdest-items-sold-on-amazon/

http://www.10sitestosee.com/top-10-craziest-items-sold-on-amazoncom/

http://weird-web.blogspot.com/2008/05/top-20-weirdest-items-sold-on-amazon.html


http://web.spotcoolstuff.com/bizarre-amazon-oddities


Scarily, some of these seem reasonable...like the wolf pee (scares away deer and such?) and "a bomb proof horse" is a common phrase.
dlowan
 
  0  
Reply Sun 19 Dec, 2010 02:28 am
@dlowan,
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41B01ASFVFL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

http://www.amazon.com/BRAND-NOT-SPECIFIED-Deer-Rear/dp/B0006M4WR4



Quote:
Perfect for Lonely Nights, December 22, 2007
By J. Wells "MemyselfandI" (Atlanta, GA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Deer Rear (Misc.)
This is absolutely perfect for those lonely nights when your wife is gone. Order one if your wife takes long trips and there are no good places to get hookers in your area.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes No
Report abuse | Permalink
Comment Comment (1)


11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars The best Deer Reer I have ever owned!, May 29, 2009
By Kap'n Krinkle - See all my reviews
This review is from: Deer Rear (Misc.)
Well, it was my 5th year anniversary coming up around the bend. In the past, I have purposely stayed clear of traditional anniversary gifts such as paper, gold, diamonds, sheet rock, etc. Well, being that this was a considerable milestone for the two of us, even after our visit to the Maury Show, I figured that I needed to raise the stakes this year and give her something that would consummate our love.

My quest began at Food City and capitalize on all the amazing deals of Menudo and sticky wall-walkers. But, nothing stood out. As utter disappointment settled in, I gathered myself and headed straight for Home Depot. Lucky for me, Pabst Blue Ribbon was on sale for $1.99 a case at Mr. Ting's Liquor and Exotic Pets. In order to quench my undying thirst and rid the taste of my visit to Food City, I consumed 4 to 7 delicious cans of suds in the back alley. After successfully relieving myself of excess bodily fluid on a pallet, I made my way inside the mecca that is Home Depot. Aimlessly, I perused the never ending isles of bath caulk and chicken wire searching for that one gift that says, "You are one lucky lady to have me in your life". Again, I left with head hung low.

Fortunate for me, I upgraded my dial-up system to 56K. Funny side note, while I waited 2 1/2 hours for the salesman at Fry's Electronics to come back from lunch, he had the nerve to tell me it was old technology! Back to my story about my quest. So, I dialed into my Prodigy account and I searched for "Things A Wife Wants for Her 5th Anniversary, But Was Afraid To Ask" and low and behold, a prompt for a mounted Deer Rear was the first result after 13 minutes for the page to load.

I was floored. My eyes lit up like the time I consumed that menth stuff (they told me it was Lemon-Lime Fun Dip powder) and I was pulled over for doing 111 in a 5MPH School Zone. Let me tell you, my Daihatsu HiJet was worth the $460 I paid for it. Anyway, I grabbed my welfare check and food stamps and ordered it right away. The shipping took longer than I expected because they said my address was not legitimate. I told the phone representative that "I lived in the Shady Squirrel Trailer Park. Right next to stolen Bob's Big Boy statue, around the corner from replica White House made from old toilets". After we straightened out the shipping details, I received my gift.

When I presented it that night, my wife had just finished combing her chin. I handed it over and said, "To the only lady who hasn't thrown me in jail. Happy Anniversary." She tore open the wrapping (the comics section of the Sunday paper is always a smart choice) and began to cry. At first, I thought that she found out about me and her sister, but she told me through her sobs that it "was the most glorious present she has received from any of her 9 husbands". I took a swig of my hops and barley created nectar and kissed her head (the cold sore is almost gone - doctors orders).

To this day, we have the Deer Rear mounted above the picture of Jesus, right next to hole in the wall that was a result in the shotgun discharge. From time to time, we loan the Deer Rear out to friends for baby showers and funerals, but GPS we had installed on it keeps it close to us and our hearts.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes No
Report abuse | Permalink
Comment Comment


7 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Fine peice of ass, August 29, 2009
By S. Lodise "Word." - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Deer Rear (Misc.)
This is one hot and steamy Deer ass. Dont be fooled by imitations. This is the authentic ass of a deer. If you have ever found yourself out hunting alone. You know that sometimes, when looking down the scope of your winchester rifle, the ass of a deer looks mighty fine. So warm and delicious. I needeed something to help me get through the lonely nights. Especially since my wife left me after that whole sheep raping incident. Dont worry, I was framed, the sheep had it in for me. But Now I have my very own Deer ass. And I love it. Some times I just sit and stare at the fine creation that god has given me. This fine peice of deer ass.


boomerang
 
  5  
Reply Fri 13 Apr, 2012 11:10 am
http://chzparentingfails.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/crazy-parenting-fails-spoiler-alert.png
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  4  
Reply Mon 13 Aug, 2012 10:19 am
Wait for it....

https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/3/kyDIDF8RXUyBXOqz4fL3MQ2.jpg
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  0  
Reply Mon 13 Aug, 2012 02:02 pm
@dlowan,
For years a person I knew kept the mounted rear end of a deer on his living room wall. I never said a thing to him, but I always felt disgust with the sentiment that would cause a person to subject an animal to the indignity of a violent death and then to mount the rear portion for display like that.
0 Replies
 
mackllinvinger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Aug, 2012 06:01 am
good work..
nice
 

Related Topics

How Rich Pins work ??? - Question by OnceUponAtime
A fluke or a scam? - Question by boomerang
Amazon is on drugs - Discussion by hingehead
Buy software at amazon store? - Question by Williambeck
Amazon Delivery On Sunday? - Question by Miller
Amazon - Question by Woollcott
Amazon - Question by gollum
 
  1. Forums
  2. » Funny Amazon Reviews
Copyright © 2017 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 02/20/2017 at 04:24:27