Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name.

Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 07:47 pm
I found out tonight that I had come within a hair of having Mo's bio-dad contact us last week. His parents warned him off explaining that Mo is happy and well and he shouldn't rock the boat.

I've realized that how completely freaked out I would have been if I had to deal with that. I'm still freaked out and I know that the meeting has been diverted and most likely won't take place in quite some time. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had shown up or called or whatever.

But I know that someday I will have to deal with it.

Have you ever had to introduce a mystery biological parent to your child? I'm not just talking just about adoption because it happens because of divorce or the parent's split up without ever having been married or a hundred other reasons.

How did you do it?

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Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 07:52 pm
Boom, I have witnessed the damage when it is done wrong, but have no help on doing it correctly, other than that Mo's comfort and understanding is key.

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Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 08:00 pm
No! We had a closed adoption and I don't want to have anything to do with
the bio's of my daughter. They have had their chances and blew it and until
my child is old enough to seek them out herself, the door remains closed.
Besides, they don't know of her whereabouts anyway.

Boomer, bio-dad should realize that he just cannot walk in and out of Mo's life,
it is up to you now to grant or withhold visitations, and looking at bio-dad's
track record, he has no rights whatsoever. I think it would be emotionally
very disturbing to Mo if his bio dad visits and then disappears again. How should Mo
understand that this guy just wants to ease his conscience and has no longterm
interest in the boy - I could not bear to conflict such pain on Mo, he's too young to understand.

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Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 08:12 pm
I understand that Mos bio's are not a good situation to involve him with.

But I just wanted to say that being a bio parent myself, sometimes there is a drive that can not really be explained when it comes to just wanting to see your child.
I for one would never EVER just surprise J's parents. NEVER. that is just absolutely unacceptable. But there is a part of me that feels for Mos dad in that respect.

My real first thought? deep down thought?

Would he ever come after Mo................
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Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 08:16 pm
I discovered at age 42 that I had a child who was born when I was 23. His mother had told me she couldn't have children. He and I met, had a drink, got to know each other a bit. He has another man he calls dad. We are not in contact. He wanted to know if there was anything genetic he should know about. It was a bit awkward.
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Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 08:41 pm
Boomer... you will handle it with compassion and understanding for Mo and what's best for him. Trust in your strength and goodness... and you can't fail. Do what is necessary to protect your son. You will shine... as always.
Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2008 09:40 pm
Izzie wrote:

Boomer... you will handle it with compassion and understanding for Mo and what's best for him. Trust in your strength and goodness... and you can't fail. Do what is necessary to protect your son. You will shine... as always.

And one more thing. Don't worry about it. Again, because you will handle it when the time comes. Simply because you'll have to. Know that.

But yeah, I can imagine how just knowing how close he came can twist you up.

Love the title of this thread BTW.
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Reply Sat 8 Nov, 2008 07:45 am
Thank you all for your replies. It is very helpful to hear this addressed from so many different perspectives.

I think Mo's bio-dad was feeling sorry for himself. Apparently his life has hit the skids. He was trying to enlist his parents in helping him see Mo. Luckily, I have a solid relationship with them and they truly do want what is best for Mo.

Days ago bio-dad moved to another state hoping for a fresh start. I hope he finds it. Not only for his sake but for our sake too. When the time does come for a reintrodution it will be much easier if he is at least built some kind of life.

I do think I understand the bio-parent's desire to see their child, of course you want to know that they're doing well.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be contacted by a child you never knew existed. It sounds like you handled it good, Nick Fun. Bravo to you.

I'm totally with CJane -- the child should be the one who initiates contact. It sounds like the rest of you do too and I can only hope that Mo's bios mature into people who understand that.

Thanks Izzy and eoe. I hope you're right! I want to avoid that kind of damage that Rockhead speaks of.
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 08:18 pm
My nephew was placed in foster care at 5; I know there was a lot of disfunctional stuff going on long before that. He was in another state.

We got him when he was 8.

Both parents are skilled in "selfish love" techniques. Never have called, sometimes when they do, they don't even ask about him. Miss birthdays, then send him $100 cash. Call drunk, then don't call for 6 months.

Still, there was a longing in him for an answer to the big question: WHY?? Why didn't my parents want me? Believe me, it did affect his self esteem.

The real question was "why couldn't they take care of you?"
We spent a lot of time talking about mental illness and addiction. They are both alcoholic and one is schizophrenic; the other bipolar.

He is now 20 and is doing OK. He is finally accepting the good things in life. Has a girlfriend and joined the National Guard (where he gets his "Daddy" strokes, for sure) He works and is a pretty good kid. In Community College and doesn't drink. Paid for his own car and has an IQ of over 145. Still, he doubts himself constantly. It all involved 8 years of therapy and the last 4 years with a psychiatrist. Deep down mourning for the "fantasy" family that he never had.

Your child will want to explore all this - count on it. Be ready to support him in his quest for closure on that big question of Why.

We love our nephew dearly, but there was always that hole which we could never fill. It does get more shallow, however.
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 08:48 pm
Thank you, sullyfish, for sharing your story.

Sometimes the real question is -- why WOULDN'T they take care of you.

I'm so glad to hear that he is doing well and good on you, really, good on you for stepping in.

We haven't hit the "longing" yet. Maybe becuase he does have contact with several of his bios. Maybe at 7 he's just not at the right age. I do know that it will happen.

I would love to hear more about how you supported your nephew.
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 09:56 pm
I too am with cj on this.

If I had ever wanted to adopt a child, it too would have been a closed adoption. When the child becomes an adult, it would be up to them to make contact.

Years back, I met this young woman who had given her child up for adoption (she had her problems I think at that time, drugs, whatever). I would overhear her talking to the adoptive mother on the phone, arranging to come for a visit, or a birthday, etc. Just from hearing one side of the conversation, it was really obvious to me that this woman was having regrets at having agreed to this arrangement, but could get herself out of it.

I had casual conversation with this young woman, and to me she seemed totally deluded that she was so welcome by the parents, and was a welcome part of this kids life (she was kinda weird on top of everything else).

I remember thinking "This is really F'd up."

On the other hand, if the adult child decides he/she wants to know the birth parent, they need to respect that the birth parent may not want to be found.

I watched a documentary once where this young woman just HAD to meet her birth mother, who was trying to avoid the whole thing. The birth mother obviously had made a life for herself that did not include a baby she had many years before.
I watched with my jaw on the floor as, after the woman told her through her front door she just didn't feel prepared to deal with this,the young woman stood out in the street and literally yelled out "Carol O'Mally, Carol O'Mally! Come down and talk to me! I'm your daughter, you gave birth to me!"

It didn't seem to dawn on her that just maybe this woman didn't need her neighbors, maybe her husband and her other children to hear this.

What a nightmare.
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