Twisted Barbies Return

Off Limits
Dialing for dollers

Mattel, which has kept Barbie dressed for success for over forty years, recently sent its 2004 models sashaying down the runway, complete with a Giorgio Armani-dressed doll and a Fashion Designer Ken. And while the company has shown no inclination to repeat 1998's CU Buffs Cheerleader Barbie, one as-yet-unidentified Internet jokester has a host of suggestions just ready to tap into that lucrative Colorado market. The list is so good that we have to share:

Boulder Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tank top, low-cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.

Cherry Creek Barbie: Yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit-card organizer and Shallow Ken.

Colfax Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and Meth Lab Ken. Otter Pops optional.

Commerce City Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, big hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. Also available: pickup with Confederate-flag bumper stickers.

Englewood Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie comes with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Highlands Ranch Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at the Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie-cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and Workaholic Ken.

Texas Transplant Barbie: This bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back and tons of makeup. Prairie Dog Hunting Ken sold separately.

16th Street Mall Barbie: This is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut. Options include Broncos shirt, Wal-Mart purse and outdated shoes.

Our compliments to the anonymous author, who we've tried to track through more than six degrees of e-mail separation. Come out, come out, wherever you are! And in the meantime, please accept two humble additions to the roster:

Lakewood Barbie: Comes with GED, NASCAR T-shirt, Bush/Cheney bumper sticker and NRA membership card. Guns, ammo and Laid Off From Qwest Ken sold separately.

Platte Valley Barbie: The ensemble is designed by Stella McCartney, with shoes by Manolo. Collection of reconstructed hair-band concert T-shirts, low-rise Seven jeans and Metrosexual Ken sold separately. Price available upon request.