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the great war.

 
 
OGIONIK
 
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2008 02:54 am
my soul is cold
a life so bold
outside im young
inside im old
what has been stole
the greatest theft
my spirit is dead
the fires quenched
it took a lot
a grand war fought
in the end
victory is not.

still i stand
sword in hand
this blood soaked man
hello Defeat, here i am.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 1,738 • Replies: 4
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dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2008 03:56 am
@OGIONIK,
Giving up is easy. Your harder than that i think.

Go climb a mountain and stop winging.
OGIONIK
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2008 04:26 am
@dadpad,
its about continuing even when defeat is inevitable.
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2008 04:57 am
@OGIONIK,
Ogionik, I think we understand your message, but I just want to thank you for the poem. Here's is a brief critique:

my soul is cold
a life so bold(how about " But my life still bold)
outside im young(like the next two lines)
inside im old
what has been stole(the next two lines need some work to evoke an image)
the greatest theft
my spirit is dead (again, "My spirit's not dead; the fire not quenched")
the fires quenched
it took a lot(it has taken a lot)
a grand war fought
in the end
victory is not.(need some work here)

still i stand (next three lines are great)
sword in hand
this blood soaked man
hello Defeat, here i am.(I would leave the reader on a more positive note, but more importantly, show your spirit here and win the battle)

I don't usually remark on form, but to make the poem read more smoothly, capitalize where needed, and begin each new line with a capital letter)







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Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2008 06:23 am
Agree with everything Letty suggested except for the capitalization. It was good enough for e.e. cummings. . . Smile
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