the diary of a f**k up!

picture a woman
dark hair and blue eyes
now see her looking intently at dark grey skies
once a talent, a beauty
now she is fading away
"shes nothing but trouble"
thats what they say
if only they knew how my heart beats
how i try harder and harder to find my feet
like new born calf
i was a wonder
now i aint even half
i wonder and ponder
my demise
see tears and fears in my mothers eyes
and i ask myself "why?"
why i do these things
coz in the end i'm not just hurting me
yeah i'm lucky
they love me
but **** it
its ugly
this world
this reflection of self
highschool bully
you should fear me now
not even human
i'm a lost soul
doomed by the fumes
i lost control

nice.

you dont know me
i dont know envy
i'm the emcee
narratin the streets
makin the beats
takin the sweets
springin a leak
when i bus ur head
chitta chit **** chatter
2 me ya dead
how do you hate me
cuz you never knew me
always talkin bout me
never talkin 2 me
lookin at me funny
like your seein straight through me
hear me now!
coz im ridin low
widda bad bass sound
i aint playin around
i got too much soul too much for you 2 hold
so you cant hold me down
imma burn this town to the ground
in my sorrows
you could drown
one for the road
so lap it up
dont ever get involved
in the diary of a **** up

drinkin devils juice
tryna escape the noose
shake your self loose
set your self free
now i'm in court
tryna cop my plea
how low can you go?
how high did i get?
positive drugs test
fulla regret
still i'm back at the offie
copperin up
how much stella can i get?
no stoppin me but
i'm stuck in a rut
haters they can tut
whilst i get pisster
hey mr
you bin playin too much chinese whispers
this is my life
aint no debate
so sit the **** down n listen
why i set the record straight
im like black rain
in the dead of night
but i shine bright
fya got a light
i am a storm
gathering momentum
dont say my name
its too hot to mention
talkin 2 ppl who aint here
like i got dementia
still i jus knock back shots
till there faces come clearer
tellin the mexican in my kitchen to come
a little nearer
coz i cant hear her
dont know how i got here
but i know the end
i'm already too far around that bend
that bridge needs crossin
still these fuckers keep bossin
i'm tossin n turnin
i get no sleep
i'm rotten n burnin
i wanna get up but i fell too deep

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there qui etly, and watched TV. He continued to seem d istant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...





HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

fellas watch ya ladies for learnin my bars
they'll be burnin they bras n wearin the trousas
makin more dolla than ya, i'm hotta than ya
whats ur name agian? already forgotten ya
the kinda girl ur mum warned u about
get my kicks n kick you out
we aint spoonin, loves for loosers
beggars cant be choosers
i can afford to be choosy
makes me fuckin laugh when he thinks he used me
tellin his friends
he got his end away
yeah playboy i cant get you outta my brain
deleted your number n gave you a fake
smoked your weed an ate your cake
i like the cool side of the pillow
but i heat it up too fast
nothing good lasts
i want what i cant have
so if i had you and i lost you
you'll be driving me mad
you dont wanna do that
coz i'm already a head short of a hat
5ft 2 wiv a screw loose lookin like an angel
but i'm fya in the booth

giving up feels stupid but right in the wrongest sence
jealousy is ugly and hates my only friend
they look at me and pass judgement, maybe thats all they know
but pouring spite and blocking light wont make a flower grow
i know i don't even deserve respect coz i collect regrets like debters do cheques, too much neglect, too little too late, too much anger inside of me and pride is overated, cutting to the heart of me with blades that are serated, i wish me and my mind could be seperated, so thoughts would be belated instead of overwhelming, the human condition is madness,
with a second helping of sadness, sanity is a fantasy, we thrive on dispair
it seems were never happy always searching with a prayer,
curious, furious at being left in the dark, life is a quest for a spark
it seems that death ignites our hearts like answers will come
we hope thats where life really starts and all the pain is numbed
the insignificance we feel will be drowned by what is real
or maybe we'll just be buried and burned forgetting all we learned in turn
either way, it does not matter to me, i was chosen to walk this path wherever it may lead

for a while, i forgot. What to means to me, writing. i got lost, caught up in the crap. Then i read this and remembered. You, Lostnsearching, others... how much it can grab me - make me want to write again.
thank you mcee fya

from the biggest f**k up of them all

we all got it bad, some of us come from wastelands
the gray strands, black strips full of garbage cans
late night blows and hands passing grams
hookers and gang game plans
shotguns and grenades man...

but in the end, just say, i am...

whatever i want to be, amen.

still hanging on to a stupid dream
dream being the imaginative illusion and theme
elusive fantasy, fortune and fame
recognition in a face and name
spent my whole fuckin life
documenting torment
for what? who gives a toss!
im just another bottom of the barrell dreamer
with a pissed off boss
i cant stop! thats the worst
coz i know if i dont try
i'll burst
i'll be anxious till i die
of the curse
tryna prove my worth
to a father who dont seem to recollect my birth
**** him
matter of fact **** em all
coz i got too much soul
to ever fall
**** success n money n all that **** that dont last
**** the future n most of all **** the past
**** your opinons n mine aswell, **** going to heaven,
**** going to hell, **** all your talk all your wars all your walls,
**** all the posh folk avin a ball, **** all the poor people sat on hard floors,
**** all the police tryna lock us indoors, **** having dreams, **** getting em broke, **** the trees and their leaves ,**** our breaths lets all choke, **** the world its a joke, its a puzzle a mind **** full **** to evoke

1-4-05

My hands caressing the deepest wounds although it only made them worse
Days never seeming to end, yet all I see is the darkness
You woke me from a dream and now I can’t fall back asleep
I’m sitting on your doorstep with my heart in my hand
I wondered where to go
I wondered if you’d show
Resting on the softest cloud in the sky
For just one moment you look down on me, and I look up at you
From then on that one second repeats in your head, and inside your heart
Beating unbelievably it takes your breath away
Gasping for air, yet the only thing you got was me
Somehow you’re still surviving and you don’t even wonder why
Deep inside of you, my eyes can finally rest
My heart can feel at peace
Silent forever, I hear your words as I touch your skin
Nothing could compare to my best friend that would always be there
Let me rest my head on your shoulder and dream that dream one more time
I promise you’ll be there with me

My heart you took once again; played your little games like I was nothing
Left me here broken, third times the charm
Destroying the last piece of hope my soul embodied
This time it was true, you were the liar I always pretended wasn’t real
I see it in your eyes, I hear it in your fake good-bye
Good-bye this time never felt so real
The nightmare I always wished away was back again in the brightest color my eyes have ever seen
Cradling your heart as if it were my own
Pretending as if you weren’t the one I’ve dreamt of all along
The one true love that you would never let exist
Enjoy the miserable sweetness of the fakeness you share
Proven everyone right except for me
Wasted every drop of spirit inside my body
Lonely and worthless, you’ve thrown me in the garbage once again
Not even a last thought in your mind, every feeling becoming pointless
Disintegrated every reason to believe in love, especially this one
Good-bye to you; Good-bye to me
Good-Bye forever
Good-Bye to this chain that won’t let me be free
Three letters changing my life forever y-e-s
Three letters that were the biggest mistake of my life
I regret this, I regret you, I regret us
You’ve broken me down
God you have destroyed me
I wish this wasn’t real
I want to love you, why can’t you love me?

im a slave to my whims
i should sleep but i write
my body's in flakes
the suns bout to rise
cant disguise my eyes
been drinking that poison
powder is wearing me down
all the girls and the boys are deep now
ive made me a name
i cant keep now
this town is like cryptonite
its my weakness
i need to get out
away from this bleakness
they want me to fail
they plee that i cry
they pour me more ale
and rack up my lines
im leaving, i'll try, cant stay in this home
on these streets i will die
either way i'm alone
i gave up my rights
no one will believe my hype
when i say that i cant or that i might
i told him im dying inside
he took it as lies
shook his head and wouldn't even look in my eyes
i told him i love him
vodka said said that
though i woke sober
and couldn't take it back
like all those tormented artists that stay in the black
amy, picasso, eminem and bach
im bound to depression
doctors talk but dont do
regression obsession addiction recession
heres a pill its a blessing
something else to make you ill and messy
up to you to get better
no help whatsoever
i dont know who trained these goons
phsycologist?
he couldnt tell a fork from a spoon
made me laugh at the loon
good job most his days are spent in that room