To sum up...

My candidate is better than your candidate. I can state this quite objectively. My candidate has better programs, more experience, and is just plain smarter than your candidate. I know this for a fact. My candidate appeals to a broader segment of the general public than your candidate. I read that on a blog that I bookmarked. My candidate is fiscally responsible, while your candidate will mortgage my children's future with wasteful spending. And I don't even have any children. My candidate has whiter teeth, fresher breath, and fewer cavities than your candidate. My candidate can be waxed to a brighter shine than your candidate. I say this without any bias. My candidate still has that "new car smell." My candidate supports all the things that I support and opposes all the things that I oppose: your candidate doesn't even come close. And remember, I didn't come into this with any preconceived notions. My candidate is preferred by three out of four dentists, and the fourth one prefers Nader. My candidate has more friends on MySpace than your candidate. That's important. My candidate cleans up good. My candidate polls better among suburban Catholic white male union members with advanced degrees, and that's the key demographic in this election. I saw that on Tim Russert's show. He had a graph and everything. My candidate can win all of the states that matter; your candidate can only win the states that don't matter. I've got a map here somewhere that proves it. My candidate's spouse is better looking; your candidate's spouse is a horribly mis-shapen homunculus who lives under a bridge. And I can say that because I'm a very fair-minded person. My candidate rocks; your candidate -- not so much. My candidate is environmentally friendly, carbon-neutral, and biodegradable. My candidate never has that "not-so-fresh feeling." My candidate believes in hard work, fair play, and the American dream; your candidate is some sort of fascist Trotskyite. I read that on an internet forum, so it must be true. My candidate didn't forget Poland. Some of my candidate's best friends are gay. My candidate has never had an extra-marital affair; your candidate was seen consorting with barnyard animals. I have reliable sources. My candidate feels your pain; your candidate feels kinda' gassy. A vote for your candidate means the terrorists have won. I assure you, I am approaching this with an open mind. My candidate has your back, man. My candidate gets your whites whiter and your colors brighter. Your candidate prefers Brand X.