Short Story: Despair

How come nobody has commented? Does the first paragraph not sound interesting enough for you go on or what???

Hmm, I started reading it and it looks damn good (so much so that I even checked to see if it was plagiarized).

I only read a few sentences (I'm at work and can't devote a long strech) but I'll read this later. If I forget bump it up sometime this weekend. It looks interesting.

I can vouch for the fact that it's 100% original, came from a rather lousy point in my life, really, hence the name.
-Cricket

I think thats my first out of school reading ever. Anything over 100 words, lol.

Tang,

Did you want contructive criticism on petty things like grammar etc? I don't want to nit pick unless that's what you are after.

Two suggestions right off the bat to inspire more people to read it...

1. Remove it from within the

Craven- "Did you want contructive criticism on petty things like grammar etc? I don't want to nit pick unless that's what you are after."
-Yes, he does. Also, do you know anywhere this could be posted?

Ok, I did those changes. If you would rather read it via rtf, I have send Butrflynet a PM to the link. Cant post links here

Big improvement, thanks Bobby. I'll set aside a few minutes later this afternoon to read it and give you my thoughts.

Hmmm.... I can't figure out if it is the subject or style of writing but I can't seem to stay focused on the story. I find myself skipping down the page to see if there is anything more interesting to read.

It reads as if it were a log of journal entries. Perhaps shortening the story a great deal and shifting the focus periodically would help. You could break it up into sections where Arcturus is recalling the activities of a previous day then change the focus back to the current day.

Another suggestion would be to incorporate more descriptions of tone and mannerism of the speakers into the long verbal interactions.

Have you given any thought to writing it in the third person rather then first person?

I couldn't focus on the piece. I kept saying "And" but lost the intent of the piece. I found myself jumping forward to find something to follow. At best, an acid trip is difficult to describe or follow. I would be less wordy and reduce some of the adjectives and adverbs or reduce them to simpler terms.

Then again, I'm no real critic. I tend to write, "I shot him and he hit the ground with a thud."

"Have you given any thought to writing it in the third person rather then first person?"
- I think this is more of how Cricket feels day to day.


Morganwood kinda contradicts my view of literature...
"less wordy and reduce some of the adjectives and adverbs or reduce them to simpler terms"
- I dont really agree with that. Can you explain why at all to reduce the vocab?

It was rather hard to follow, but I believe the strrong use of vocab made it interesting. Aw well, we shall hear from Cricket once he sees someone actually replied.

Mark Twain made a fair living doing writing in simpler terms.

Our views of lit may well be different. I think that's fine! Don't take comments personally. Hell, I write and nobody replies. I figure they just didn't have something to say. At least you're getting comments.

I do more photography than writing. I've shot over 300 pictures in the last few weeks. About 15 turned out. Not every shot or piece is a hit.

Welcome to A2K, glad to meet you.