Venus in Venice: The Goddess of Love's Dinner Party

Osso sneaks up the stairs, well, not sneaks, slowly tests the stairs with one hand on railing, the other flipping her scarf, the Forza Juve one, with the Grazie Juve Vinci Per Noi lettering, over her white cashmere caftan as she advances toward the merriment. I wonder what they will play tonight?
Can the Bear do Vivaldi? I bet he can't, but he probably does a mean whatsisname, Zucchero Fornaciari. Um, I will just sit here on this landing a while and look out the window...

My friends from Napa want to come too. They have posted their wine cellar ahead to assure readiness for guests. Osso's caftan pockets are filled with ziploc baggies of really good olives. Picholines and Sevillanos and Lucques and Nicoise and and and lots of others. Also, there's a big packet of Mt. Tam Triple Cream cheese, and some Humboldt Fog goat cheese tucked along side. She hopes there is some good bread upstairs, and that at least some people will
forego their diets for a respite.. There is, you know, a dispensation, upon crossing the threshold of the palazzo, re carb and chol counts.

Ahhh, Diane sighs as she enters the pallazio, this is perfect for Osso. The flowers, the music, the ambience all make for an evening of irrepressible friendship among a continental group of old friends.

This habit has to go, thinks Diane as she glimpses littlek and Osso. Gautam, the ever elegant Gautam looks ravishing and that is probably exactly what is on his fabulous mind.

What Italian finery might Eva have in her massive walk-in closets? Color and elegance and soft, luxurious fabrics fill the closets. No more back for me, at least not for a long, long time.

I'll bet even Dys will wear his Tony Lama boots and sexy leather jacket.

Hmmm, has Osso put on weight or has she packed her pockets full of treats? Knowing Osso, there are some lovely, gourmet goodies in those pockets. Maybe I'll relieve her of some of them--I'm getting very hungry just smelling the wondrous aromas coming from the kitchen.

Before going to the top of the stairs, Diane sits down with Osso and visits while eating some of those fine olives from Osso's pockets.

This is going to be a party to remember for eveyone who has worried about Osso and who have been inspired by her courage. Yep, what a woman!

<aside> You guyz make me feel so much better - even when I am depressed <aside over>

"Sniff! Why do I smell tuna? Yikes, a dolphin!"
George scrambles up out of the canal.
"Man, I'm a mess. I wonder if I'm late for the party. I wonder if I've been to the party!"

"GEORGE!" Eva shrieks. "What ARE you doing on my doorstep, dripping wet and reeking of tuna and stale Chianti?" Eva hustles the newbie into the gentleman's room off the foyer where he can have a quick shower and change into something more appropriate. She picks up the hall phone and rings Clarienne upstairs, asking him to come immediately with suitable clothing for George. "Something formal, but not too formal...perhaps a tuxedo shirt and jacket with shorts?" she suggests. The couturier frowns.

Eva rushes to greet the guest of honor, who is seated on the grand staircase flipping olive pits into the calla lily urns....

"OSSO!!! You're HERE!!!" (kisses both cheeks)

A short man in a tuxedo arrives at the gate, his shirttails amusingly longer than his legs. Nobly, he trods up the cascade of carpeted steps to hand a letter to your grace.

The letter is off white, covered in slightly wilted flowers. "Pardon me," it says, "But the dutchess of Dunehiem will not arrive until 11 O'Clock, she is buying jewels of the finest venitian glass." The flowers on the card bloom open as a vine gently winds itself around your wrist, caressing your hand.

"Hmmm..." You whisper introvertedly, "I don't remember inviting -her-..."

The Roman portrait busts turn their heads as the messenger leaves.

security clearance
There is a big commotion at the front door. Eva can't believe her eyes at the sight of John Ashcroft standing on the stoop, pen and pad in his hands. Police cars with bright lights and men in dark suits are lurking about everywhere.

"What are you doing here?" hissed Eva.

Ashcroft puffed up his chest. "We received a report, which was vetted by the CIA and the FBI, that several unsavory characters were seen entering this building. The Patriot Act requires that we interview everyone already inside and anyone wanting to enter the premises---all in the name of Homeland Security."

"I will not allow this invasion of privacy," Eva announced in her most stentorian voice.

"Step aside, Madam, or I shall put you in chains!" snarled Ashcroft.

Then Osso appeared behind Eva at the door.........

Osso stands quietly snickering, looking at the McCarthy wannabe on the stoop, the stoop that is wafted to and fro by lapping icy cold canal wash, a chilly place, really.

Eva leveled her most menacing gaze at Ashcroft. Her hands were clenched into fists between the folds of her skirt. Then suddenly, amazingly, she relaxed and smiled.

"Why Mr. Ashcroft!" she said in a voice dripping with Southern charm, "You needn't make such a big fuss! Why don't you just step inside here for a minute so we can discuss this? It's awfully cold out there, you know. Venice can be downright blustery in winter--reminds me of Virginia, it does..."

Ashcroft hesitated, then muttering a few words to the dark-suited man nearest to him, he walked past Eva into the marble foyer. "I knew you'd come to your senses," he huffed. Eva smoothly closed the heavy, ancient wooden door behind him. It locked with an almost inaudible click.

Eva linked her arm through his, Osso did the same on the other side, and together they led Ashcroft through the foyer into the ballroom where the others were gathered. "Lucretia! Would you please pour Mr. Ashcroft a glass of wine?" Eva asked the stunningly dressed girl behind the bar. "A Borgia vintage, if you please." The dark liquid gleamed in the goblet as she poured.

littlek leaned close to Gautam and whispered in his ear, "Why is Lucretia giving Ratzenhofer's wine to Mr. Ashcroft? Gus is going to be mighty mad when he comes back!"

"Ssssh" Gautam replied, as he watched Ashcroft raise the glass to his lips and begin to drink, "Eva's up to something. I'm just not quite sure what."

A black limo so long you couldn't catch the liscence plate pulls up, and a small carpet rolls out of the door that opens. It is *gasp* the light is blinding, but through it you can see she is carrying (surrounded rather like a boa constrictor) the most brilliant necklaces of venetian glass you could glimpse north and southways.

"Halt, mam! We need to inspect your loyalty to the united states," says a man dressed in too much black. He attempts to paw through the glass, and in doing so puts a thumbprint on a large diamond-cut necklace centerpiece. Unamused, the Dutchess of Dunehiem curls one side of her reddened lips, and her silk gloved hand slowly removes her dark sunglasses revealing her true identity. "It is Portal Star!" Gasps someone in the crowd. A few unidentifiables seize being conciouss.

Portal star, being displeased at the tarnished glass, uses her powers to zip (through a portal, of course!) the suprised agents into the swimming pool (she leaves their clothing in the original spot.) Amused, the band starts up a disco version of an old song, somthing about cold november rain...

Portal takes off one glove and wipes the smudge off of the glass. "Beads for everyone, dahrlings!" She cowls, "It's like Mardi Gras!" She greets the host with a jealous flicker of her dark eyes and a smile.

"Hey Enzo, sorry to ring you up at such an hour, but I need some help."

"Hunh? No, Venice. I have no clue how I got here. Last I remember I was drinking Chianti with the old gang at Bosco's place after a little pickup calcio. Yeah, I know that's in Turin. Don't ask."

"Well, I need some formal wear. Oh, you know, the usual. Black Armani without tails. Yeah, satin lapels, satin-covered buttons and pants with a satin stripe down the leg. Traditional pin-tuck shirt, good. Black satin cummerbund? Sure. You still have my shoe size? OK, black patent leather and silk socks."

"Great Enzo, you're a lifesaver. Hold on and I'll get the address of this place for you..."

Clarienne Boniface is in a snit. First Eva tells him to prepare some godawful formal safari get-up for this guest, then the guest refuses to wear it. Fine, he thinks, let him call his own tailor! Clarienne stomps up the stairs. He has other problems to deal with. Such as the nun rifling through all his designer trunks, for one. What does a nun gone bad wear, anyway? Hmmm, he thinks, then the obvious solution pops into his head. Red, of course! Yes, it must be red. Deep, velvety red.

Meanwhile in the ballroom, Eva is still smiling at Ashcroft as she watches him finish the goblet of wine. Then, under her breath, she asks Lucretia if the wine was properly doctored with her family's fabled poison. "No need, ma'am," the girl answers. "I gave him some of Gus's wine with the froth on top."

Eva shivers. Good God, what has she done? Turning, she sees Ashcroft stumble ever so slightly. Having second thoughts, Eva touches his arm tenderly. Ashcroft sneers at her in his usual superior way and announces in a slurred voice, "The in-terror-o-gations will now begin. Everyone, line up!"

Eva grits her teeth as she remembers what this man is capable of. "More wine, my dear?" she says, refilling his goblet to overflowing. Ashcroft drains it greedily. With a practiced eye, Lucretia notices that the tips of his fingers are beginning to turn purple.

Eva
BumbleBeeBoogie slips into the room and sidles over to Eva. She whispers in her ear, "I have an idea that will put an end to Ashcroft's interrogations. You know he is a member of a Barbershop Quartet, don't you?"

"I didn't know about that subversive side of him," Eva replied.

BBB continued, "We surely must have enough talented men here that can start singing, which will distract Ashcroft from his nefarious intentions."

"What a great idea!" smiled Eva. I will go round up some tenors, baritones and some bases and see what happens."

Barbershop quartet song lyrics
BumbleBeeBoogie scurries over to her handbag where she carriers everything she might need in an emergency. Inside, she finds just what is needed for the Barbershop Quartet to defeat Ashcroft.

Lyric for when your old wedding ring was new by nighthawks barbershop quartet
From the album dehmel & grothe

When your old wedding ring was new,
And each dream that we dreamed came true,
I remember with pride how we stood side by side,
What a beautiful picture you made as my bride!
Even though silver crowns your hair,
I can still see those gold ringlets there.
Love's old flame is the same as the day I changed your name
When your old wedding ring was new.

words & music: unknown
source: Roy Keys, SPEBSQSA
transcribed: Dilly

Wonderful, BBB smiled, just what we need for a man who feels we need a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Barbershop Quartets
"Men's songs are not enough," said BBB. "We need something for the women to sing to disarm all those men in dark suits outside." She reached inside her handbag and found some Sweet Adeline music that will do the job.

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/1433/adeline.html

Wow! Lots more Barbershop Quartets to choose from.

http://www.spebsqsa.org/web/groups/public/documents/pages/pub_jukebox.hcst


"Oh, this is going to be fun, those Patriot Act dudes won't know what hit them."

Let the fun begin! Play it again, Sam!

Nighthawks Emotional weather report
late night and early morning low clouds
with a chance of fog
chance of showers into the afternoon
with variable high cloudiness
and gusty winds, gusty winds
at times around the corner of
Sunset and Alvorado
things are tough all over
when the thunder storms start
increasing over the southeast
and south central portions
of my apartment, I get upset
and a line of thunderstorms was
developing in the early morning
ahead of a slow moving coldfront
cold blooded
with tornado watches issued shortly
before noon Sunday, for the areas
including, the western region
of my mental health
and the northern portions of my
ability to deal rationally with my
disconcerted precarious emotional
situation, it's cold out there
colder than a ticket taker's smile
at the Ivar Theatre, on a Saturday night
flash flood watches covered the
southern portion of my disposition
there was no severe weather well
into the afternoon, except for a lone gust of
wind in the bedroom
in a high pressure zone, covering the eastern
portion of a small suburban community
with a 103 and millibar high pressure zone
and a weak pressure ridge extending from
my eyes down to my cheeks cause since
you left me baby
and put the vice grips on my mental health
well the extended outlook for an
indefinite period of time until you
come back to me baby is high tonight
low tomorrow, and precipitation is
expected

Diane falls in love with Dys all over again. Before swooning like a fool, she first looks at some of Eva's artwork. Damn!! Ashcroft has covered some of the most beautiful paintings with an old bed sheet.
EVA!!! Give the sob some more wine!!!

Prude Ashcroft
Prude Ashcroft turns pink and then pales in Eva's house as he realizes he is surrounded by nudies.

http://216.239.41.104/search?q=cache:-gFvhv52n28J:news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1788845.stm+statue+Ashcroft+had+covered&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

Here are some other nudes in Eva's house that he can't hide from.

http://www.tate.org.uk/britain/exhibitions/vicnude/statues.htm

In horror, Eva instructs the servants to remove the coverings on the statues and paintings at once. "This is going entirely too far!" she thinks. "Or....then again...maybe not! Perhaps it's time for a little game of tit-for-tat!" The goddess rearranges the folds of the front of her Grecian gown to perfectly frame one exposed breast, then saunters up behind Ashcroft and coyly whispers, "Boo!"

Ashcroft spins around on the barstool and is stunned to find himself eyeing Eva's nipple, not three inches from his nose. He faints dead away.

...or was that the wine?

All in all, it was just too much for Ashcroft to bear. Bad wine, naked women, foreigners pretending to be all-American barbershop quartets...all combined to make his head spin to the point of no return.

Eva not-so-gently pushes him, and he falls off the barstool onto the marble floor. She then motions for two servants to come and pick him up. They carry the motionless Ashcroft to the beveled glass French doors at one side of the ballroom, where BBB and Diane are standing, holding the doors open for them. The servants carry the body through the doors and out onto a terrace overlooking a deserted canal. They turn and glance back at Eva for the signal to dump him into the dark, icy water.

"Gautam?" Eva winks at the Indian Prince, "would you do the honors?"