looking for any feed back on this poem!! please read

I think it's ok, but a bit needy.
also the petal idea is a bit cliche.

I like it.

Look! I found a secret poem inside your poem.


Falling to the ground, wasted,
blanketed in wispy nights,
a lone gaze beating a whisper comes forth.
A fleeting horizon faces its throne.
High another day, another day
this wish will tell petals to fall.

Hey, thats kind of trippy.

The hell with it, i'm gonna put guitar and kazoo to it.

Hi

There are 145 words in your poem
some are repeated words

days gone by, smiles wasted.
slowly dying, wasting away
so do i long to be wasted away,

golden lights
golden eye

these are things that become noticeable if you leave your poem a while - work on something else - and then come back to it. A tip is to read it aloud -repeats and over long structures stand out more then.

I would say - knock a third of those words off
Sounds horrible doesn't it? But I say it to myself all the time - too long - too flowery - would I be happy showing it to my worst enemy? (I've plenty of poems here that I cringe over, believe me)

The thing is, I really like the 'essence' of your poem - its like a dark, abstract art piece - water and night sky and the single flower - (makes me think of Salvador Dali)

In fact, I liked it so much - I couldn't leave it alone (hope you don't mind)

I challenged myself to knock exactly 50 words off your poem (instead of just suggesting it) and change a few words…. but to try and keep the 'essence' of the piece.

Not sure you want to see your poem edited (butchered) like this - but at the very least, it might give you another way of looking on the same scene

less is more, perhaps - anyway see what you think - and feel free to ignore.

(I'll just add - that my only motive in doing this (apart from the distraction) is that I felt inspired by the scene and the feelings already there in your poem - I can see its potential to be more 'symbolic')


Petals falling to the ground
so tears fall for you
days go by
with smiles wasted
i long for you

like a single flower
circled by water
slowly dying, wasting away
so do i long
to be forgotten

A lone star shines
i gaze up, eyes wide
a silent whisper
a fleeting hope
will you answer?

lights brighten the horizon
darkness fades
the star is gone
golden eye slowly rises
to it's throne

will you answer my wish?
only time will tell
as day waits
another smile, another call
until then, the dying petals fall

I hear you.
This may not help in regard to your actual writing, because I am not going to critique your poem. But I get the sense that you are a very caring person who tries to reach out to other people, and most of the time they don't get it. I really, really related to your poem. It was almost eerie reading it.

Being someone who "cares too much" is not a bad thing, but it does mean you get hurt a lot, especially if you are in a place in life where you are surrounded by people who "care too little." To hurt less, I guess you either change yourself or you change the world around you. I am just figuring this out. Honestly, I have spent most of my life trying to change who I am, because I felt like I was wrong somehow. Because no matter where I go or what I do, people mistake kindness for weakness, and I get hurt as a result. Maybe I just need to disguise it better....

Don't mistake your OWN kindness for weakness. That's who you are.

I really liked your poem. Thank you.