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Wed 21 Nov, 2007 11:30 am
Hi
Could someone please edit this short passage meant for Year 3 students? Thank you very much.
One morning, James woke up and found red spots over his body, arms and face. He told his mother about it. His mother suspected that he had contracted chickenpox . Soon she took James to the clinic.
The doctor told James that chickenpox was contagious, so he should not go to school for two weeks. The doctor prescribed some cream for him to apply on the spots and advised her not to scratch them.
James was disappointed because he could not go to school as he would miss his classmates. He was very bored at home because he had nothing interesting to do.
One day, his mother gave him a broad smile. James was wondering why she was smiling. When he asked her why, she told him that his medical leave was over and that he could go back to school the next day. James was overjoyed because he could be with his classmates again.
When he returned to school, his classmates were happy to see him again as they also missed him. Some of them asked him why he was absent from school. He told them that he had chickenpox. Some of his classmates told him about the lessons that he had missed. He was very grateful to them.
One morning, James woke up and found red spots on(1) his body, arms and face. He told his mother about it. She(2) suspected that he had contracted chickenpox. Soon she took James to the clinic.
The doctor told James that chickenpox was contagious, so he should not go to school for two weeks. The doctor prescribed some cream for him to apply to(3) the spots and advised him(4) not to scratch them.
James was disappointed because he could not go to school as he would miss his classmates. He was very bored at home because he had nothing interesting to do.
One day, his mother gave him a broad smile. James was wondering why she was smiling. When he asked her why, she told him that his medical leave was over and that he could go back to school the next day. James was overjoyed because he could be with his classmates again.
(8)
When he returned to school, his classmates were happy to see him again as they had missed him also.(5) Some of them asked him why he had been(6) absent from school. He told them that he had had(7) chickenpox. Some of his classmates told him about the lessons that he had missed. He was very grateful to them.
(1) usage - spots on the body, or "all over" the body. Not "over the body".
(2) Style - Too close a repetition of "his mother".
(3) One applies cream to parts of the body. Or, more particularly, one spreads or dabs or smears it on the body.
(4) James is a boy! Or does his mother do absolutely everything for him? In general, people tend to scratch their own itches, since only they can feel them.
(5) tense & word order.
(6) tense
(7) tense
(8) leave a blank line between paragraphs
Thanks, Contrex, for your detailed corrections.
All the best
found red spots on his body, arms and face.
Maybe yoiu should replace "body" with "trunk" here.
Strictly speaking, the arms and face are part of "the body". When it is desired to distinguish the limbs (the arms and legs) from the rest of the body, one would use words such as "chest", "abdomen", "trunk" (chest and abdomen), "groin", etc.