Groucho Marx - 30 Years Ago Today

I'd settle for having my full memory back. After 65-odd years I'm out of space on the front burner and my back burner capacity is so large that I can't always find information when I need it.

Hey, edgar. First a picture and then some songs. Having a wee bit of trouble with that, but I just found out that Allan Jones did several in some of the Marx brothers' productions, so I'll keep searching.

A Night at the Opera

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Funny, edgar. Here's a song I found, but am not certain if it's by Groucho.

Hello, I must be going.
I cannot stay,
I came to say
I must be going.
I'm glad I came
but just the same
I must be going.

For my sake you must stay,
for if you go away,
you'll spoil this party
I am throwing.


I'll stay a week or two,
I'll stay the summer through,
but I am telling you,
I must be going.

Yes, that's Groucho. It's from Animal Crackers (music and lyrics by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby).

I loved Groucho and the Marx Brothers.

His quotes are priceless and so apropos

The woman at the center of the picture was Groucho's favorite for those roles. He said once that she didn't get the jokes she was part of.

Well, edgar, that woman at the center looks like the perfect foil for Groucho.

Funny one by Groucho and the Marx Bros.

Hooray for Captain Spaulding.

Zeppo: There's something that I'd like to state
That he's too modest to relate.
The Captain is a moral man.
Sometimes he finds it trying
Groucho: This fact I'll emphasize with stress
I never take a drink unless
Somebody's buying.
Crowd: The Captain is a very moral man.

Zeppo: If he hears anything obscene,
He'll naturally repel it.
Groucho: I hate a dirty joke I do,
Unless it's told by someone who
Knows how to tell it.
Crowd: The Captain is a very moral man.

Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding,
The African Explorer.
Groucho: Did someone call me Schnorer?
Crowd: Hooray hooray hooray!

Zeppo: He went into the jungle,
Where all the monkeys throw nuts.
Groucho: If I stay here I'll go nuts.
Crowd: Hooray hooray hooray.

Crowd: He put all his reliance
In courage and defiance.
And risked his life for science.
Groucho: Hey hey!

Dumont: He is the only white man
Who covered every acre.
Groucho: I think I'll try and make her.
Crowd: Hooray hooray hooray!


Crowd: He put all his reliance
In courage and defiance.
And risked his life for science.
Groucho: Hey hey!

Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding,
The African explorer.
He brought his name undying fame,
And that is why we say
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Groucho: My friends, I am highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion.
And I want you to know -

Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding,
The African explorer.
He brought his name undying fame,
And that is why we say
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Groucho: My friends, I am highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion.
And I want you to know -

Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding,
The African explorer.
He brought his name undying fame,
And that is why we say
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Groucho: My friends, I am highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion.
And I want you to know -
{singing} Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African Inquirer.
{spoken} Well, somebody's gotta do it. (Bill L)

Thanks, people. Here is a nice page on him.
http://www.groucho-marx.com/bio.html

Last Sunday, in the midst of a number of very sedate love songs, WNYC's Jonathan Schwartz put on "Lydia the Tattooed Lady".... 'we explored the Amazon, but with her pyjamas on.... '

Joe(people stopped shopping to listen)Nation

from the Post (Washington)

Of the non-Hart collaborations, only "Animal Crackers" is genuinely funny, and one senses that Kaufman and Ryskind had relatively little to do with its laughs. These almost certainly were contributed (mostly ad lib) by Harpo, Zeppo and, most especially, Groucho Marx, who starred in the original 1928 production. One of the many anecdotes reported elsewhere about Kaufman takes place during a rehearsal of "Animal Crackers." Kaufman listened to the Marx Brothers have their way with his script before finally complaining: "Excuse me for interrupting, but I thought for a minute I actually heard a line I wrote." The following bit of patter is Marx to the core. It begins with Mrs. Rittenhouse, the hostess, meeting a musician named Emanuel Ravelli. "You are one of the musicians? But you were not due until tomorrow," she says. Ravelli and Captain Spaulding, the explorer played by Groucho, then get rolling:

"RAVELLI: We couldn't come tomorrow. It was too quick.

"SPAULDING: Say, you're lucky they didn't come yesterday.

"RAVELLI: We were busy yesterday, but we charge you just the same.

"SPAULDING: This is better than exploring. What do you fellows get an hour?

"RAVELLI: For playing we get ten dollars an hour.

"SPAULDING: I see. What do you get for not playing?

"RAVELLI: Twelve dollars an hour.

"SPAULDING: Well, cut me off a piece of that, will you?

"RAVELLI: Now, for rehearsing we make a special rate, fifteen dollars an hour.

"SPAULDING: That's for rehearsing? What do you get for not rehearsing?

"RAVELLI: You couldn't afford it. You see if we don't rehearse we don't play, and if we don't play that runs into money.

"SPAULDING: How much do you want to run into an open man-hole?

"RAVELLI: Just the cover charge.

"SPAULDING: Well, if you're ever in the neighborhood, drop in."

Et cetera. Funny stuff, but a whole lot funnier if your mind's eye can see Groucho, with his cigar and his glasses and his moustache, and your mind's ear can hear his lightning-fast voice. Unfortunately there aren't that many people under 60 who remember Groucho that clearly, which leaves one to wonder how much staying power "Animal Crackers" really has, since it is Groucho to the core, as another quotable quote makes irresistibly plain:

"The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are Moose, Elks, and Knights of Pythias. Of course you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. Of course, you all know what a moose is. A moose runs around the floor, eats cheese, and is chased by the cat. The Elks, however, stay up in the hills, most of the year. But in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water hole, and you should see them when they find it is only a water hole. What those Elks are looking for is an Elka-hole.

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know."

Lovely stuff, but it's Marx, not Kaufman. For all his irreverence and his speed with a riposte, Kaufman didn't do the wild, off-the-wall rimshots that were Groucho's stock in trade. Paired with Hart he could be hugely witty and amusing, but his roots were in the conventional Broadway theater rather than in vaudeville, where the Marx Brothers got their education. As the collaborations with Ferber illustrate, he was capable of writing sentimental melodrama as well as comedy (there are more gulps than guffaws in those three plays) and even paired with Lardner -- a match that would seem to have been made in heaven -- he played it pretty much down the middle. Lardner had longed all his life for a Broadway success, and "June Moon" gave him one, but his most imaginative and durable plays are those strange, beguiling one-act exercises in inspired absurdism: "Cora, or Fun at a Spa," "I Gaspiri," "The Tridget of Greva."

No, it's Kaufman. I have a book of Kaufman's plays which includes Animal Crackers, and most of the memorable lines that Groucho uttered in the movie are found in the play's script, including the "I shot an elephant in my pajamas" gag.

I have a feeling that the legend of the Marxes' ad libbing during The Cocoanuts and Animal Crackers has been greatly embellished over the years. Without question, the Marxes ad libbed, but I doubt that they strayed too far from the script -- especially because Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind wrote some pretty funny lines for the brothers. Indeed, if the Marxes had jettisoned most of Kaufman's lines during The Cocoanuts, it is hard to explain why he would have gone to the trouble of co-writing Animal Crackers for them.

That is the much-abused Margaret Dumont, the patroness saint of comic foils.

I think you are right, Joe. Too many of us want mythology, not facts, and there is always somebody there to oblige.