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Thu 9 Aug, 2007 03:54 pm
Written by NickFun
President Bush and his wife Laura announced today that the federal government will attempt to discourage teenage boys from having sex with the new 'Just say NO to vagina' advertising campaign.
"The problem is that teenage boys don't seem to be able to resist vaginas." Bush said. "When I was a youth we were satisfied with a quick breast feel or a peek at the panties. We understood that penile penetration of the vagina was a sacred act reserved for married adult couples. We must promote Christian values and celibacy by proclaiming the evils of unwed vaginas and inappropriate and underage coital insertion".
His wife Laura firmly agreed. "That's right", she said.
Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H. believes that sex at too young an age can lead to both physical and mental challenges later in life. "Sex before the age of 21 can lead to physical problems such as impotency, kidney trouble, early onset Alzheimer's and obesity. Not to mention the usual litany of sexually transmitted diseases".
"Also", Moritsugu continued, "premature sex can lead to mental illnesses such as paranoia, schizophrenia and psychosis."
The advertising agency of Eileen & Ben Dover will be handling the television and print advertising for the new campaign. The television ad campaign will portray an emaciated, shaky young man in a hospital bed connected to tubes as the announcer proclaims, "He though it would be OK to have sex at 14. He was wrong". The caption below reads: Just say NO to vagina".
It's a well know fact that vagina tends elevate the blood level and causes boys to fail prematurely in life.
That is true. I can testify to it myself. It was only when I made a resolution to put vagina behind me that I got my handicap down to scratch and could find the energy and resiliance to run headfirstfulltilt into the big money game. I became a multi-millionaire indecently fast and from being an eleven-stone weakling with the shakes and bags under my eyes I was transformed into a handsome, confident and muscular Adonis not realising that vaginas had other tricks up their sleeves for such specimens which, unfortunately, proved inescapable, and if it wasn't for my good sense in opening a bank account which only I ever knew about I fear I would be back to where I started wondering about the ins-and-outs of it all. Vaginas have certainly done for a lot of men and have a great deal to answer for but when I see a young man following one around the pub like a hound I resist the temptation to warn him because I know his life is not such a bunch of cherries after all and he might get run over by a bus next week.
Besides, I find it amusing.
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