A2K Historical Archives Game

Forum: Ye Relationships and Marriages
Date: 1541
Ye Posting by: MonarchH8
Title: When a Queen will not Obey her Lord and Master

Dear Fellow A2Kers,

I believe my fifth wife may be cheating on me. My investigators have dug up information that she has been alone on several occasions with Thomas Culpepper, a trusted advisor of mine. I am distraught with worry and broken-hearted. I am afraid someone will lose their head over this incident. Most likely, this will be someone with the initials of "CH".

In the meantime, I am looking for a fair woman to perhaps become my sixth bride. She should be comely and a good stepmother to my three children from some of my previous marriages. Religion is somewhat important as I am the head of my own faith. No German princesses.

Might you have advice for a powerful, middle-aged man in a state such as mine?

Forum: Things we don't talk about in mixed company (now two threads, Religion and Politics)
Date: 1607
y-Posted by: J-Dog

Yo homies. I gots to aks you bout a problem I got wif a certain Jimmy 'King' James. Just when da J-Dog renounfes his Catholic ass, da King wanna get all up in my grill wif the whole Anglican thing. Don't he know that J-Dog ain't about religion? J-Dog be about gettin' meta-physical, and you homies know what I mean. J-Dog bout gettin' down...King be top dog though, toughest pimp on da block. What is the J-Dog gonna do? Send the love, homies. Thassit, I'm Donne, outy. Peace!

Forum: Politics (cross-posted to Original Writing)
Date: 1776
Posted By: Teej
Title: New Writing Help!

Hi, I'm new here. I have a big paper due this summer. It's about independence and some other stuff (I've got conflicting outlines from a number of people). Some of it may or may not be illegal. I think I have an opening line, but I'd like some constructive criticism. It starts: We the people but maybe that should be peoples??? I mean, we is a plural so maybe people should be plural, too?

I also have something about All men are created equal but my slave, Sally Hemings, says that might not be 100% accurate.

All help is greatly appreciated, plus if you could tell me where in the Northeast I could buy extra parchment paper, I would be eternally grateful.

Your humble servant, Teej

Forum- Relationships and Marriage
Date: 20
Posted by: PrimaryDude
Title: My Wife is Driving Me Crazy

See it's like we have this great little pad- marvelous view, everything that we want. The landlord gives us free run of the place, except for this one damn tree. Told us to keep our grubby little hands off the tree, or else! (Probably bought it on sale at Wal-Mart. I think that he has some sort of thing for that tree).

Anyhow, wifey is a total ingrate, and is driving me nuts. I love her so much, that I would cut out a piece of me for her. I do everything for her, but she is obsessed with that tree. The only thing that is important to her is that she takes some of the fruit from that tree. We have dozens of other trees. Does she care about them? NO! She only wants to eat from that one stinkin' tree.

I am afraid that if we we steal stuff from the tree, the landlord will get pissed and boot us out of here. On the other hand, if I don't go along with wifey, she won't stop nagging. I'm between a rock and a hard place. What should I do?

Forum: Empires (now called Europe)
Date: 1588
Posted By: VQueen I
Title: Hello, sailor!

Greetings, loyal and noble members of Able2Know ~

I recently dispatched a fleet of ships to meet the Spanish Armada. We have small, swift ships, and I was pleasantly surprised when my men defeated Spain. Victory is sweet!

I do have a small problem, though. I think I like my captain, Francis Drake. He's very, as the commoners say, "cute". I do so love a moustachioed man! But I am getting a tiny bit carried away, which does not befit my station.

In any event, my question is: do you believe a regal personage such as myself could ever be happy with a, well, let's call him what he is, a pirate? Also, do you think men like women who wear wigs and use a great deal of white face powder? I do so love a pallid look, but I wonder if that isn't a bit of a turn-off sometimes.

Finally, do I absolutely have to be a virgin if I still wish to refer to myself as The Virgin Queen? Or is that a mere technicality that I can keep from my subjects?

Yours, etc.,

Elizabeth R.

*Forum: Rocks and Caves
Date: 1 million BC
Posted By: Og
Title: Cave decorating

Fellow A2K tribe members:

Og have damp cave in big valley. Need pictures for walls. Og need someone to paint reindeer on cave walls. Og on a budget. Thank you.

* Note: the above post was found carved on a stone tablet, next to a number of flint axes in the Neander Valley.

Forum: Science & Religion
Date: 1638
Posted By: Gal-gal
Title: Pass the word

Eppur si muove

Forum: Politics, cross-posted to Consumer Electronics
Date: August, 1974
Posted By: TrickyD
Title: Problems with tape

My fellow Americans:

My post will be in several phases. Phase I is my thanks to "Woodstein", who gave me some excellent tips on where to hire a good transcriptionist. Miss Woods is working out extremely well and is very loyal. I value employee loyalty a great deal.

Phase II is where I ask about certain gaps in some dictation tapes I have made while on the telephone. One in particular is of concern, as it is 18 1/2 minutes long. Rosemary has offered to say it was due to her foot accidentally hitting the record pedal but I am hoping that a more plausible explanation can be made. If there is a problem with my equipment, of course I want to know about it. If the problem is with my staff, well, I'd have to see about that but at least I'm not dealing with that freak Ellsberg any more.

To conclude, I am pleased with the advice I've gotten on Able2Know as, previously, I had taken to speaking with portraits of my predecessors. I also asked Henry to pray with me, but I think that made him uncomfortable.

PS To whoever in the English forum suggested the term "expletive deleted", my undying gratitude. My former employee Spiro agrees that it was a stroke of brilliance. Okay, I've gotta go, the press and the plane are waiting and I've still got to pack my wingtips and my wife's cloth coat.

Two Vs for victory from me!

General Forum

Yeare 2407,
(In the syftemme of dating of thif Kingdomme)

Deare Gentilfolke,

I write on behalfe of the People of Lilliput, to begge youre affiftance in the matter of the Fearfomme Invafion of our Kingdomme by the Person of the Giant, Lemuel Gulliver Esq.

This saidde Giant was, to the Greatte Confternation and Ruination of our Commonwealth and Oeconomy, cast uponne oure shores after the passing of a Great Typhoon, and we can but thank our Godde that hif comrades, doubtlesse of like Monftrofity of Vifage and Enormity of Perfonne, perished in the saidde Great Storm - though it saddens such a Charitable Gentleman af myself to wish such a fate upon any Human Soul, which wee muft take thefe Giants to be, in despite of their Monftrous Proportionf.

The aforementioned Gulliver hath told us that he sailed from yore lands, and, believing that you muft, by cuftom, be wise in the wayf of maintaining and controulling thefe Monstrous Souls, we do moft Ardently and Defperately beg you to sende such a Fleet as may convey the Man Mountain back to yore Kingdomf!

While he semes a Gentil Enough soul, hif appetite is such thatte hee shall soon enough either bee killed (the which wee shoulde have Great Trouble in achieving, it befeemeth us) or eate our Faire Countrie into Tribulation and Famine, for he confumes barrels of wine, and acref of breade, and shamblef of Cattle at each meale!

Hee hath alfo, latterly, earned the Wrath of our Monarch and the Whole Royal Family by dousing a Great Fire in the palace, by a means most Natural, and Effective, but one Disgusting to the Refined Personnes of our Ruling Family, and necessitating the building of a New Palace. Delicacy forbids mee to say more of thiffe matter.

We await, Sirs and Madams, yore Most Urgent attention to oure Dire Circumstances.

Your Humble Obdt. Servant,

The Prime Minister

(Secret Poste Scripte: I enclose thisse lafte, secrette from the Eyes of the King, to urge you to morre Hafte.

Since the Putting Outte of the Fire, Hif Majefty has been Moft Troubled by the actionf of Hir Royalle Majefty, the Queen, who, seeming somewhat Amazed by the Proportionf of the Man Mountain'f Privy Member, hath taken to Consorting Most Frequently with the saidde Man Mountain - abandoning Hir Royal Dignity evean to the pointte of Riding About in His Pockets, and suchlike Shocking Liberties, not fitte to a Lady of Hir Exalted Stationne and the King's Wrath being thus excited, I feare for the safety of your Giant, who if an Amiable Fellow, whofe Good and Safe Deliverance I would press upon yore Mercy!)

Forum: Relationships and Marriage

Date: 1st Century BC
Posted by: QueenofDenial
Title: Need help

Significant other & I took lovely boat ride last weekend. Anybody know a good way to remove rose petal stains from togas? His men are beginning to ask questions.

Forum: Life at Work

Date: 1315
Postedby: DivineDan
Title: Damned Politicians

I'm trying to get some writing done, but I keep getting interrupted by the cries from the streets. You think Bush is bad? You oughta see the government over here. Blacks, Whites, popes, kings...I don't know whether to laugh or cry. There oughta be a special place in Hell for these guys. Hmmm...that gives me an idea.

Forum: Music & Lyrics
Date: 1950
Posted by: EAPresley
Title: All around Coolness

Hey there A2Kers,

I've been working on a little song and dance number but I'm stuck on the dance. I'd like to swing and swivel something. Arms? Legs? Neck? "The Colonel" suggested my hips but my momma says that may be unseemly. All advice is appreciated.

Sorry if I don't answer immediately for, as soon as I post this, I will have left the building.

Forum- Business and Technology
Date- 1491
Posted by ChrisC
Title: Looking for Backers

I am an experienced mariner, who is seeking financial backers to undertake the opening of new markets. Am having a hard time raising cash, as people think my idea is hairbrained.

I am convinced that by using an appropriate route, which is quite different than the current channels being utilized by similar companies, I can cut the time of the voyages, thereby engendering great savings to my company.

Does anybody know of a person or company who would be willing to consider such a speculative venture?

These are all wonderful posts! What a fun topic! I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses.

Forum: Relationships and Marriage
Date: 1862
Posted by: AliceL
Title: Teenage Angst

Okay so I'm like out in the yard feeling all sleepy and stupid when I start chasing this rabbit and wind up falling in this hole and end up in this like totally nut house where everyone and everything is trying to get me to "drink me" or "eat me" (how rude!) or smoke this and talking in riddles and rhymes I mean crazy stuff like "twinkle twinkle little bat" and I'm all like "whatever".

Okay so I finally manage to crawl out of this hole and my mom is like totally pissed and yelling "you're grounded" and when I try to explain she's all like "you little liar you're either on drugs or brain damaged and I'm taking you to the doctor first thing tomorrow but until then you just go to your room and stay there but no computer (don't tell!) and no TV".

Okay so later I overhear her talking to her friend Charlie and he's all like "well I believe her" and my mom is laughing that awful bitter laugh and even though Charlie's kind of pervy I'm really glad he's here for once.

Okay so what I need to know is how do I convince my mom that I'm not on drugs or brain damaged? I need to know right away because Dawson's Creek is coming on in a minute and this is the one were Brady and Julie finally kiss and if I miss it like nobody will believe it.

Moral? DON'T chase Rabbits!

Impertinent Girl!

Tags: Original Writing,Politics,Addresses,Performing Arts
Date: 1863
Posted By: StovePipeHat
Title: Grabber first lines

Howdy A2Kers!

Recently I was speechifyin' and the wife -- Mary (she's short and spends too much money but I love her) -- says I need a good headline if I'm a-gonna grab 'em when I head to the Keystone State to open up a new cemetary.

I don't have a lot of time as I am very busy with my regular job, plus I have a fairly long beard that requires constant care so that I don't look too weird. I want to write something about 86 or 87 or whatever (that's what I pay my crack research staff for, to know these things; I have no time for Googling) and anyway I'm stuck on the symbolism. I know the press will be there and I'd really like them to write something about the day that doesn't involve a word like "homespun".

All ideas gratefully accepted and if someone could suggest an evening's entertainment that would be helpful as well. We've already seen "Mamma Mia"; any other good plays?

Thanks to all of the A2Kers, by the A2Kers and for the A2Kers.

-- Tall Abe

Forum: Economy
Date: 1067
Posting by: Machina Stragulum
Title: How can I present my needle work?


Salute!

I've embroided some very nice pictures of recent affairs which happend here and over in the land of Albion.

However, it not only takes an awful lot of time but the work of many others as well to show those pieces to the assembled church-goers after Mass.

Since I've heart that here on A2K are experts for all and everything - does someone have an idea how I could present those pictures in a better way?

Gratias ago! [Salutem Georgius dico!]

Tags: original writing, religion, marketing
Date: 1455
Posted by: Gberg
Title: What should I do?

I have a question...maybe you guys can help. I'm an inventor (of sorts). A couple of weeks ago I took this broken old wine press, and I changed it around so I can use it to press copies of written pages...well, it's a lot more complicated than that, actually, but I digress...

Anyway, my brother-in-law says he thinks I could actually make some money with this thing if I used it to make copies of stuff people want. Of course, he's a religious nut (like a lot of folks around here), so he's thinking Bibles. (Duh.) I was thinking a lot more people might want copies of the Kama Sutra.

What do you guys think? Which would you buy?

P.S. When are we getting polls back?