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DEALING WITH ONE ANOTHER

 
 
Setanta
 
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 12:49 pm
I would like to discuss how we deal with one another at this forum. I will acknowledge at the outset that i've flamed people--and i've been flamed. It cannot be ignored that people conceive dislikes for other people, as a part of life, and this is a part of life, no matter how unfamiliar to our senses. So i would like your thoughts on how one is to deal with a situation in which one feels put upon.

Undoubtedly, the best advice is to just ignore the person in question. But it ought not be overlooked that someone who "stalks" another through the threads can ruin the experience of the site. We all have friends here, and we all have those whose company we tolerate with an ill grace. Please offer advice which is more than just "ignore them," because i would not like to think that we lose anybody because they have turned sour on this site. I'm hoping for constructive ideas on how we might end unpleasantness before it gets out of hand. I thank you all in advance.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 4,410 • Replies: 67
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:14 pm
Not quite sure what you are looking for, but your obnoxious quotiant is way down near, but not at the bottom of the list.

Sorry, but there are a few who I have to simply ignore. Be they right or wrong on the issues, the hatred and instability is such that I can only scroll on by. Much better that they be mad than I. There just isn't time for me to be a part of anyone's therapy other than my own.
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:20 pm
roger has it right. There are too many on A2K that I respect and enjoy. As long as the people stay on topic, and stay away from invectives, I think the field is wide open for discussing everything under the sun. As much as I get involved on A2K, I'm sure my 'contributions' are not always appreciated. At my age, I just "don't give a damn" how others react, because I try to remain civil, and apologize when I think I'm wrong. Scrolling is a good tool to use; I use it all the time. c.i.
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edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:22 pm
If you can't avoid someone unpleasant to you, why not direct a few kind words in that direction. See if your overture stills the animosity. Make sure the rest of the time not to use inflammatory words. If the ill will persists after that, it's just one of life's unpleasantries, much like a fly after your sandwich. Live with it or move on.
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Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:25 pm
On other forum sites in which I've participated, similar problems arose and did not get resolved by the community until an "ignore author" feature was added to the boards. With that feature the posters can create a list of authors you'd like to ignore and the boards block your viewing of their posts.

It works like a charm and has brought much civility to the forum. People are starting to return to it again now that they don't have to be subjected to people who exploit the anonymity of the internet to entertain themselves with the emotions and feelings of others.

The "ignore author" feature allows for individual flexibility and customization of the content of the forum without imposing the restrictions on everyone whether they want it or not.
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:29 pm
I always knew the people from Sacramento are above average. Wink c.i.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:38 pm
I'm with the others Setanta. Unfortunately, the only way I can think of is to ignore the people who send you fuming. I know how hard it can be to just walk away since I tend to want to get my feelings off my chest, but I know I don't do myself any good by continuing. Edgar has a good point that I like to use myself, which is to kill them with kindness. It really does work like a charm. If the person is out to piss you off then being nice turns the tables on them and they are the ones who end up ticked off leaving you to walk away laughing ;-)
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:40 pm
Usually I'm of the Ignore/Avoid school. I participate in A2K for relaxation, not combat.

Occasionally I'll experiment with a soft answer. After all, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Chanting "Om...om...om...Free Speech....Free Speech....Free Speech" as I scroll past offending comments and offensive members reminds me that censorship might be worse.
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 01:51 pm
I'd like to point out to everyone that i'm not referring to myself here, but rather, i know of someone at this forum who stalks other posters that s/he doesn't like through threads. I do think that there ought to be a mechanism, and perhaps one we could work out for oursevels, to deal effectively with this. Thanks to Butrflynet for a useful suggestion.

Did no one notice that i had asked for somehting other than the just ignore advice?
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Tartarin
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 02:02 pm
This is a great idea -- most useful. I agree with (but don't always use, damn it) the Be A Little Nice rule. But Ignore is sometimes the only way. Haven't seen Ignore Author used, but that seems like a really good idea when things get bad. What I do now and then is go away for a day or two. Let the people who are so steamed about something get it out of their systems, come back when the good guys are back in town...
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 02:12 pm
Setanta
Stalking is a whole different ballgame since it's pretty much impossible to ignore a person who follows you around. In the case of stalking I think that person should be reported to staff members and I also thing Butrflynet's idea would work wonders in a case like that. I had someone doing that exact same thing to me and I did report it to the staff who took care of perp.
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Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 02:13 pm
I had a very similar problem, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is: The person can follow you and make unprovoked references to you all over the place.

Additional bad news: In order to prove without a shadow of doubt that you are not feeding their frenzy, you shouldn't respond to any of it. (Not easy!)

Because this is a peaceful place, for the most part, the first two or three seperate times this happens, it is best to really try to make peace with the person. Tell them what they are doing that is bothering you, and really try to listen to their response. It may not be purposeful. You may even agree not to PM each other--and may even have to take it upon yourself to rise about the fray, and not respond to any of their baiting, or their posts. This, while not great, is better than placing yourself in a position to take partial blame for their behavior.

If you have extracted yourself from all response to them, and they continue dragging your name all over the place-- send three or four links of their unprovoked personal attacks to a Moderator. Its crappy to bother MODS--but when you feel you've exhausted your energies in trying to handle it yourself--and the negative, personal attacks/references continue, unabated, and you are silent--I don't see any other recourse. This method has worked to my satisfaction.

I really like the members, like Montana, who try to eat a meany up with kindness. Sometimes, this does work! And, sometimes, when I've done this, I was really happier myself. Maybe I hadn't realized their intent wasn't as mean as I had imagined, and was thankful I hadn't taken it too seriously. This type of behavior may cut off a 'stalker' situation before it happens. Very Happy
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 02:14 pm
Stalking can be a violation of the TOS, and I think it should be reported to a Moderator if it's that bothersome. I think at least one member has been banned for that reason (Ketamine).

Basically, I think that if it's not a big deal, ignore it (yes i know) if it's a big enough deal that ignoring it is difficult, report it.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 02:15 pm
Oh, jinxity-jinx. While I was typing montana and Sofia said pretty much the same thing.
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farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:11 pm
There are a few people on a2k who can kill with good humor. i wont name them but , whenever someone gets too close to the bone , some of those guys will often show up and provide a great big laugh. Nothing works like a really accomplished wise ass(or assette) who isnt cruel.
.

One problem on a2k that Ive found is we often send our posts without understanding that our posts can , often, be read as non complimentary and downright cruel.We need to see that we dont leave in phrases that can be read as cruel, or overtly ad-hominem Unknowingly, I did something like this on a post when I first joined and got slammed by a few persons. When I reread my post, damn if they werent right. Ive now learned to read my posts to try to hear what they sound like in a real conversation.

Im having aproblem understanding stalking. I sometimes post when I see someone who I like to converse with , or with whom I have similar interests. Thats not stalking I hope.
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:24 pm
farmerman, If that's considered stalking, I'm guilty too! LOL I enjoy some people on A2K because of their knowledge and wit, and I'll open the forum just to read their post. There's a handful I always follow, but I don't think they know it. I'm working quietly in the background. ho, ho, ho...... c.i.
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Tartarin
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:31 pm
I wish I were one of your "stalkees" Cic! I love what you post. Sometime, somewhere in the past couple of days, I posted something kind of convoluted and verbose and when I came back to the same thread you'd posted a succinct, interesting, down-to-earth response!
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dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:31 pm
Of course that isn't stalking, Farmerman!

The thing I do, which sometimes leads to trouble, is read a post which I find rude or such quickly, and respond equally quickly.

Often, when I re-read the "offending" post, I find it was not so rude as I thought at all - but I have moved the conversation into a more fraught area by my response.

My bit of advice, Setanta, for what it is worth, is not to post fast when someone has annoyed or offended you. Go away, and come back later.
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:34 pm
Quote:
If you have extracted yourself from all response to them, and they continue dragging your name all over the place-- send three or four links of their unprovoked personal attacks to a Moderator. Its crappy to bother MODS


Sofia- It's not crappy, and it is not a bother. We are here to assist with "situations". A member is actually helping the Moderators if he reports something that is causing problems. The Moderators have a good handle on what is going on in the site, but sometimes we miss something. After all, we are not omnicient! Laughing

Oh, by the way, when you report something, PM the Moderator account, rather than PMing a specific Moderator. In that way the Moderators are all sure to see it, and the first to see it can get a handle on the problem!
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2003 05:39 pm
Phoenix, You guys aren't omnicient? You could've fooled me. You guys are doing a damn good job. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! c.i.
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