The Holy Fence Picket

Are you for real, edgar? Is this alleged picket viewable from public land? I just might have to drive on over and check this out for myself. It's not every day I get to witness a miracle. (I do think I've seen that ol' toothless bottle lady, though.)

What a bitch. "Choo gedaway from my effeen berjeen". Id go out quickly and get a can of effeen Krylon and spray paint the damn thing before the busloads of the faithful arrive with all the relics for sale and then therell be night masses and miracle shows.
I once was a Catholic in a community where Jesus appeared on the side of somebody's new Kelvinator whenever the street light hitthe refrigerator . What happened to this family shouldnt have happened to a dog but it was hilarious. It was all a bunch of old Polaks and Italian Catholics who would walk on their knees with rosaries to say a novena to a effin refrigerator.

Goddam Christians aint wired right. They all wanna believe in miracles and visions and then they go around playin catch wit rattlesnakes and somebody dies and then the other guy blames the dead guy for bein possessed by the devil cause the dumass shithead got bitten by the pissed off snake. Yeh Jesus was into stupid stuff like that.If he was real hed be laughin his head off.
CROCKASHIT.

I have no objection to devout Christians adoring fence pickets or refrigerators. I get upset when they start killing other devout Christians or devout Muslims or firm-minded non-believers.

who said anything about "objecting to"? . I think the world needs more of this kind of humor. SHows what kind of crap we believe in. Somebody on this line had an avatar with a dogs ass clearly showing the risen Jesus.

"May my dogs ass shine its countenance upon thee and give thee fleas"

Um...could you just replace that picket, edgar? Let her have her virgin and replace it with a plain old boring piece of wood? (No bus tours, no panic in the streets...)

(grinning big)

Love it!

Hey Ed, I feel your pain

Plastic Jesus
- Ernie Marrs; Trad and Anon

Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

CHORUS
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through my trials and tribulations,
And my travels thru the nations,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

ALT CHORUS
No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind

ALT CHORUS
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

ALT CHORUS
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul

ALT CHORUS
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask

ALT CHORUS
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar

There is nothin that is cuter
than a smilin Jolly Buddha,
Ridin on the dashboard of my car,
I don't have no idol cuter,
comes in plastic, bronze and pewter,
Take him with me when I go afar.

Jolly Buddha, fat and squattin,
on a pad of aspirin cotton,
He's with me wherever I may roam,
When it's late and I start to hurry,
I know he ain't gonna worry,
He looks at me and all he says is, "Oooommmmmmm."

There is nothing that is gaucher
Than eatin food that isn't kosher,
Right in front of my smilin Moses' face,
I'm afraid that he'll awaken
When I'm eatin ham or bacon,
And throw them Ten Commandments in my face.

I don't care if I'm broke or starvin'
As long as I've got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car
God, I'm feeling so evolved
Drivin' with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are

Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.
My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.

cho: Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.
Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling's womb.
Someday, He'll be born again!

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
He's the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don't need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car

I don't care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.
She don't slip and she don't slide
Cuz her butt is magnetized
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

Now I'm feeling quite contrary,
cos I got the Virgin Mary
Sitting on the dashboard of my car
There's no room for imperfection,
in my Catholic collection
Which sits upon the dashboard of my car

Jesus, Mary and St. Patrick,
now I've got the holy hat-trick
Sitting on the dashboard of my car
One more statue I've got to get
is the plastic Bernadette
Sitting on the dashboard of my car

Plastic Jesus, you've got to go,
your magnet's burst my radio
Sitting on the dashboard of my car
But I, won't lose faith and I won't lose hope
cos, now I've got a pope on a rope
Swinging from the dashboard of my car

Once as I drove to Knock,
at a petrol station I got a shock
at the special offers that they had for me
20 more points and I can barter for a Jesus with stigmata
to sit upon the dashboard of my car

I didn't realize there were so many verses of that ditty.

Cmon Noddy, its a "road trip song" so its gotta have a bajillion verses. Weve only probably seen the introductory ones.

Farmerman--

All day long--at least morning and afternoon--you've been following me with a rapier and a knapsack of common sense.

I've noticed.

Well, I had to go over the apartments this morning- -busted water main. After calling the city to fix this same pipe perhaps the fifth time since I've been employed here, wandered over to the brand new fence. There, where the Holy Virgin Mother Whatsername had been detected, lurking, like the wood spirits of old, I searched several moments for the exact board. It turns out, part of the features of the effigy were formed of loose sawdust. When treated fence pickets are stacked on the pallets, none of the sawdust gets cleaned off. The cumulative weight of the pickets had packed these coarse granules so tight around the knots of the particular board, they had remained in place through all the rough handling and the nailing. Then, last night, the sprinklers came on. That constant stream washed away her prominent features, leaving a ghastly Martian instead. I can't wait to see Penny, the helper, Monday morning. Might be I ought wear protective gear for the encounter.

Great thread, EB . . . i advise wearing a jock-strap with a nut cup, and a football helmet--at the least . . .

Gentlemen--

Obviously she appeared briefly to the faithful--and only to the faithful.

Her brief appearance will become a Blessed Memory and it is difficult to dispell Blessed Memories.

especially when removed with the "Blessed Power Washer of Antioch"

we got a danbury mint catalog at home the other day and this apparitions of the virgin sculpture was on the back cover



and i was thinking, hey, where's the grilled cheese sandwich, where's the smudge on the refrigerator, where's edgar's fence post

The Virgin Mary appears to lead turkles to salvation . . .

See if you can find the Virgin Mary in this piece of paneling. First prize, one week, all expenses paid at Pizmo Beach . . . second prize, two weeks . . .

The Virgin Mary appears in the shell of the notorious bearded clam . . .

Shrine of the Miracle Tortilla