THE BRITISH THREAD II

It is not. My charp pit is the best place in the world. And I'm off there right now. I would have gone earlier but I thought that the second best place in the world was worth a try first. The third best place is working up a thirst for the second best place.

I'd want a grand a day to go to Amsterdam. 2 grand for New York.

I think that may not be most people's first choice for a holiday. Given the choice of Amsterdam or your wanking chariot I believe most people would opt for the former. I may be wrong.

You are wrong. You have become confused because media ignores the sensible people in order to lure idiots into parting with their cash.

I can't think of one reason to go to Amsterdam. Or any other dump.

Thanks for the flying pig, Tico, although its significance escapes me. Perhaps you are keeping up with my efforts to lose weight.

A week is a long time in politics, and in the newspaper business too, apparently.

Will Rebekah still have a job by this evening?

Yes, and apparently someone anonymously registered the titles a few days ago (before the crisis broke).

The rats deserted the sinking ship, leaving the crew on board.

It shows Murdoch's thinking, Brooks job is more important than the jobs of 200 journos and other associated staff. This is the new Aristocracy that controls Cameron's Britain.

If one accepts the analysis on Newsnight last night, Brooks is important because the next one in the firing line if she goes is James Murdoch.

She might be important for another reason Mac. Firing lines don't bother Murdochs. They thrive on them.

Why inform us of what you have been informed of by the same bunch of freeloading shysters as the rest of us have been informed by?

I don't know whether you're keeping up with this story, do I? And I was answering Izzy, so put a sock in it, do.

An interesting morsel on tonight's Newsnight, which I saw some of: when the police got Mulcaire's files, they found that all the national dailies were using his services, and the News of the World ranked only fifth in order of frequency of requested phone hacks.

No wonder the other tabloids have been soft-pedalling on this, hoping it would go away.

I was up to speed on this story in the 1980s Mac. This was inevitable. It was only a question of when and where just as somebody who drives too fast ends up pranging. They are out of control.

They have been lying, they are lying now and they will continue to lie until order is restored. The idea that these people are defending democracy is a joke.

I had a long discussion in a golf club bar with a sacked editor of the NOW 25 years ago and it was apparent in everything he said. Private Eye didn't call them reptiles living in Grub Street for nothing. Hacks they were labelled when stealing off the poor was indecent so you can expect advanced hacking from Darwinian principles.

I don't think you've seen anything yet.

There is hardly a sillier sight than a man walking home from a newsagent's shop with a newspaper in his hand.

Amsterdam gets ever more desirable.

What I think is even more disgusting is that the PCC accused the Guardian of misleading parliament, when they're the only one's that have been telling the truth.

There's an article in today's Guardian about the police investigating a cover up by top executives deleting data. It's flaming obvious that both Brooks and Murdoch jnr are as guilty as sin.

Wasn't slimy Dave completely **** yesterday? When told that most people thought it inconceivable that Coulson could not have known about the hacking (at the time Coulson was in police custody), all he could say was that he was given assurances. Cameron's defence is that of Brooks, Coulson and Murdoch, incompetance and stupidity. Roger Mellie got it right in the latest issue when he described Oxbridge as 'A Public School bumming club run by a bunch of snobby cunts.'

By the way don't take anything Spendi says seriously, I view him the same way Ricky Gervais views Carl Pilkington. I do enjoy his posts.

Very stupid, that. As in the Watergate crisis and other similar stories, the attempted cover-up takes on more importance than the original tort.

If the deletion of the e-mails is proved, there is no better way of making a claim that they are not fit to buy and manage BSkyB stick.

Still, maybe (as can well be imagined) the emails were so potentially damaging that they had to be removed. They were damned either way.

Did you see that slug (NoW sub-editor) on Newsnight last night saying "One of the best ways to find out if someone is telling the truth is to listen to their phone messages." Emily Maitlis' eyes almost rolled out of sight.

I said something very like this, several pages back. "The Street of Shame".
The greasy, unprincipled, low-life, muck-raking city reporter is a well-established stereotype.

Well---I don't know what proportion of the male population over the age of 18 which has visited Amsterdam actually is but I should imagine it is small enough to signify odd-ballism. The corollory being that the proportion which has not visited Amsterdam is large enough to signify normalism.

It is difficult to imagine that there is anything useful in Amsterdam which is not in general use here what with the import/export business being what it is. In fact we might have the advantage over Amsterdam in that regard in terms of certain amenities which I forbear to mention in case Dutchy reads this.

So the only benefit from visiting Amsterdam would be to partake of those things we have rejected and that is fundamentalist odd-ballism. There are about 20 million of us males over 18. What number do you think have visited Amsterdam? What other odd-ball foibles do you have izzy?

Actually, I know two ladies who visited Amsterdam once a year. They went on a ferry from Hull, ate the luxurious buffet all the way there, slept in the afternoon sun in one of the parks, collected their rolling tobacco and spirits, ate the luxurious buffet all the way back and made a profit.

The real question is why were they so obviously confident of getting away with it? And they obviously were.

I've never had a mobile phone of any description so they haven't hacked me. And when on my landline, a rare event, I use invisible ink. I have no plastic cards either. My friend at BT tells me that the government must only be dimly aware of my existence.

A lot more than have visited your wanking chariot.

You really sound a lot like my dear old mum, she has a morbid fear of going anywhere other than Scarborough for her holidays. I don't think I can explain Amsterdam to you, it's a bit like trying to explain the taste of chocolate to a Roman Legionary. There's a wonderful zoo, and my little boy loved NEMO. The Dutch people are so lovely and friendly.

I must admit to never having heard of Karl (sic) Pilkington before. I've heard of the Gervais moron mind you. So I looked Mr Pilkington up on the sinister machine and it said--



Two "tales" in one sentence note. That's really naff. Do you not think the second "tales" jars your aesthetic sensibility. And with so many alternatives to choose from too.

I have had a theory, which many claim is dubious, (the suckers), that women have a mercenary gene. I derived this notion from my study of Darwin's theory of evolution and the antics of a wide selection of species which I have seen on TV in the genre known as "courtship rituals". It seemed to me that the pinnacle of evolutionary perfection, the English Rose, would have this characteristic in a form attenuated by intelligence and Christian instruction.

Aside from Jane Austen, who readily admitted being blessed genetically in this manner, I have found proof that it is even more deep-seated than I had previously thought in my innocence.

A pal of mine bought a house a few years ago which was built in the early 1920s. His wife, naturally, instigated a project to replace the bathroom suite. A number of quite fierce rows ensued, he told us, with him being concerned about expenditures and having no difficulty with baths, sinks and bogs of any description. The sink he thought perfect after just one piss in it. But she was having none of that old-fashioned junk for her intimacies with the cleansing departments.

Anyway-he capitulated after a few stationary humps in the bedclothes and agreed to have his plumber friend make an assessment of the pecuniary damage of acceding to his wife's persistant demands and merciless blackmail.

When the plumber arrived he immediately stood gawping at what he said was the Rolls Royce of toilets. He had never seen one before. They are much sought after in the reclamation business. 2 grand's worth. Then the sink turned out to be the sort used in Balmoral and the bath was cast iron with a enamalled bath panel which, he said, Nigella Lawson would make steak and kidney pies for ten years for.

Anyway, once all this came to light my pal was all for ripping it out and flogging it on e-Bay but his wife won't hear of it and talks disparagingly about her sister's naff bathroom suite.

How's that for scientific proof of the mercenary gene in women?

I turned over when I saw he was on. He's quite repulsive, and he's got some sort of disgusting skin disease. It's like nature or something is marking him out. In today's paper it said that the only reason that any of this has actually come out is because of a data company Essntial computing has told the police of NOtW two great lies (under oath) 1 No emails were held for more than 6 months. 2 A load of data was lost on its way to Mumbai. The liar, NOtW lawyer Julian Pike was forced to apologise to the high court claiming he was misled by NOtW in house lawyer Tom Crone, who also claims he was misled.