THE BRITISH THREAD II

I was on Lapwing Lane this arvo.

I had an appointment at the Community Hospital, Nell Lane, and I walked from the bus stop on Wilmslow Road.

Hey smorgsie--I was in Denton this afternoon. Our paths must have almost crossed. I remember pulling up at some lights and this gorgeous blond lady was in the driving seat of the vehicle on my right with a loose top and a skirt that had "ridden up". Was that you by any chance? I had to be pipped to notice the lights had changed. There was a large cardboard box in the jump seat.

That ring road is an amazing experience. It's a good job there's a recession.

Wasn't me I'm afraid spends chuck...

My box was in the boot.

It's 6.18, I don't want to get up, it's raining and I can smell Autumn in the air. Oh for a life of leisure.

x

Close your window and small the fresh brewed tea .... Good morning!

Ran out of milk, Walter!

Had to make do with orange juice - it's just not the same as a brew...


x

Well I never. I thought you just went from your armchair to the taproom at your local and back. My mistake.

Parts of Tameside are like the arsehole of the universe, in my opinion. No offence.

I must admit it didn't look so good. But Basra was always known as the arsehole of the universe when I was a kid.

Okay fair enough, but Tameside is like Basra with rain.

Tell us about your experiences of Iraq, uncle Spends. I'm a keen Thesiger and Newby man myself.

I ran out of milk as well. Simply forgot to buy more. But, I did not use orange juice creatively!

I wouldn't know where to start Mac. I was only there for a summer. It was 127 most days. And I went through a week long dust storm. We were given salt pills everyday and the M.O. made sure we swallowed them. A stiffo cost a pint of sweat. We lived in tents with sand for a floor. One night we forgot to turn the bulb hanging on a tentpole off and when we got back there were thousands of moths in the tent. Pyeards would howl all night off in the distance. Chesterfields and Camels were 35 p for 200. Beer was dearer that whisky because it cost more to transport per unit of alcohol. The NAFFI Club in Baghdad was like a time capsule. Cool, the click of snooker balls, proper bars with English barmaids, The Times (3 days behind). Outside it was crazy. There were stalls selling melon slices and Coke every few yards. Carts pulled by donkeys driven with sticks ferried ice all day long for them. Large chunks of ice. No tarmac. And the odd American car would go by raising clouds of dust and the horn going all the time. A nightclub with swarthy fan dancers had a bottle of crap beer for a week's wages. It was full of fat Arabs in business suits. Saddam did wonders for the place whatever else he did. The guys who had been to Basra thought it was luxury. Baghdad was about 50 miles from where I was based and I only spent two weekends there. The drive across the desert in a taxi was good fun. About half way there was a ten mile stretch of dual carriageway. It just started and then stopped. The Euphrates was like dilute mud. The base, RAF Habbaniyah, was beautiful. Every road had an irrigation ditch and there was a lot of lush greenery. The evenings were gorgeous. There was a free open air cinema seating at least a thousand and there were bars the full length of both sides. The swimming pool was great. Two of us once swam backwards and forwards in it all night long. The beds in the tent were iron and if your arm touched the metal it woke you up. Will that do?

I got a Thesiger in a swap loan deal with a chap in the pub who scarpered with my paperback Frank Harris. (My Life and Loves--read that sometime). I can't say I rated it but I gather it's worth a few quid. He seemed a bit pompous to me and I don't think he was taking the piss. But you never know for sure. If you like undercover piss taking read Proust. Or the Bard.

Certainly, Sir, thanks. Better than Hemmingway.

I loved that spends, read it twice whilst eating cashew nuts and drinking my brew. Was so evocative

I had been waiting for The Normans and now I've missed the start!

Evening McT and plainold, what's occurin'?

x

I'm recording Richard Dawkins on More4, he's starting a series about religious education: good idea or diabolical liberty?

I think it's an extremely socially devisive practice, personally.

Yes, I agree. Won't be watching though - it would make me shout at the telly - like an old barmy pensioner. Besides that would make my pussy flinch and she's fast asleep on my lap.

x

Give her a soft stroking for me smorgsie. Pussies need a lot of sleep.

All the managers are in the conference room with the blinds up, it makes me walk 'funny' when I go past, a colleague just dared me to walk past with a fag in me gob and a copy of HELLO...

I'm going for a 'bento box' at lunchtime, from the new Japanese take-away on Copson St, Withington.

Only £4.00, I'll let you know.

x

I don't think you should be saying things like that my dear. The Coalition might come to hear of it. I can imagine Mr Osborne saying--"how many flipping managers have they got up there?"

Get off the M60 at Junc 4 and take the A34 (Kingsway) heading north. After about 3-4 miles take a left just after Ladyburn Park into Maulderth Road and then left into Wilmslow Road. About 200 yards after the Fuel Cafe Bar (on the right) Copson Street (one way) is on the right next to Somerfield's.

The takeaway will be where the crowd of men are gathered goggling in the window.

Ha ha!

Back at desk now - working very hard.

Bento Box was yummy, me and yoon tried to eat it with chopsticks, but gave up and got plastic forks - like I said to yoon 'we are just not cultured', she said 'speak for your ******* self', charming is our Eunice. We were going to have a cake afterwards, but decided our bodies were temples, so we shared a packet of Munchies from the machine.

Yummy corporate lunch.

x

Leave it out with the double entendres and the Yorkie Bars or whatever, let's discuss whether there should be separate schools for Catholics, or any other sects.
In the paper today: "Faith schools are a menace. It's a disgrace that the state pays for our children to be divided and indoctrinated with irrational belief."

On the other hand, maybe not. Who needs more serious stuff?

I'm cooking a meal for five this evening, lamb casserole with potato top, kind of personalised Irish stew, and I've got a scrummy flan from Sainsbury for afters. And some fresh fruit and cream.