Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.. .. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, (Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master") reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! (&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you EVER feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND
BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing
> >until it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. That hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Is this a serious story Mctag? If so then it's very funny.
Even more reason for me to stick with my newspaper idea.
malek wrote:Is this a serious story Mctag? If so then it's very funny.
Even more reason for me to stick with my newspaper idea.
Who knows? It was sent to me this morning. It's certainly a fact that it would be impossible to release the trigger in these circumstances, and also that some people are dumb enough to try such a thing.
It is probably unlikely that the person who was smart enough to write the piece was that dumb. But it's possible.
I first debated about posting that the ASPCA claims that tasers are the new torture device for animal abusers. People that breed fighting dogs use tasers to antagonize the animals and make them more vicious. A taser in the hands of any unstable person is a serious weapon. And like McTag noted, even a regular guy might be tempted to do it at least once on a innocent animal. I'm not a taser fan. They do not seem very useful for protection - just imagine it being turned back on your loved one.
McTag, that was hilarious. Have to admit that I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that you weren't the fool who actually tried the darn thing.The story sounded a little like one of Dave Barry's articles.
During the search, I wonder if he thought to look in the dog dish...sounds a bit like Rocky Mountain Oysters.
