Step Dad in the Hospital

You know I think I finally figured out why I am the black sheep of my family. I really think I was born into the wrong family. God, I'm sure that sounds horrible but that's really how it feels right now. I went up to the hospital to drop some stuff off and mom wanted to go for lunch. You know... I'm not much in the mood for lunch but... alright. So at lunch she starts dumping on me. She's realized her game is about to be up.

You see, everyone in the family but my dad knows that he is dying. Everyone. Everyone wants to come visit him. In my family people only come visit for two reasons, Thanksgiving or a MAJOR crisis. Other than that, they can't be bothered. My wedding was the perfect example. So, obviously with everyone coming to visit he's going to be like, "Huh? It's not that big a deal. Why are you all here?" My mom told me she was glad this is happening around Thanksgiving because the family is coming anyway, so maybe he won't be suspicious. However, the problem is his brother and sister, two people whom he hardly ever talks to, are insisting on coming to visit.

Of course they want to see him before he dies. Duh. I listened for about 10 minutes. Took a deep breath and said, "Mom, I love you. You need to stop trying to take everything on all at once. You are going to fall apart. I still don't agree with how you are handling this. However, if you will excuse me please I need to go. Please call me when dad wakes up and I'll come back." And I left. I'm tired of being the emotional support for people who are never there when I need them. I'm tired of carrying the burden for people who aren't willing to share the load sometimes. I'm tired.

So I've made my decision. Screw my whole damn family. Every last one of them on my mom's side. We'll make it through this. I'll even help my mom get back on her feet again when he dies. Then that's it. I'm done. I'm packing up all my belongings and leaving and starting my own life somewhere else. Don't call me, I'll call you. That's how it's always been anyway. I actually think I would feel less alone if I wasn't surrounded by a bunch of people who are like this so called "family" of mine.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry, because I know my words are harsh and uncaring. I'm so angry at my family right now. I'm so hurt and confused and I'm getting kind of tired of trying to pretend I'm not for my dad's "benefit". What a load of crap. I'm not going to help her scheme on how to keep my dad believing a lie. I just won't do that because it's WRONG.

Hold on, heph. I know you're angry at your mother and the approach she's taking, but removing yourself from the scene is potentially removing yourself from your father's final days. Is that what you really want to do?

Ok, I've calmed down significantly now. I really just needed to have a fit today. It just builds up inside ya know? I cried most of the afternoon. Then went to my ex-flings house and had a chat with him and he hugged me and let me cry some more. Man I really needed that. And then I talked to my best friend who help pull me back into perspective again. She's a pro. And then I went back to the hospital, had a talk with my dad, a talk with my mom, and now... well I feel much better. Sometimes when stuff like this happens it stirs up stuff I've forgotten about. Things from the past that still hurt a little and it just makes it all seem that much more overwhelming for a while. It's easiest to just kind of go through the cycle, get it out, and get on, if you know what I mean.

JPB, I really didn't mean I would up and leave right now. I just meant when it was all over and mom was settled that I wanted to just chuck everything and hmmm... run away I guess would be the best way to put it. Just forget it all. I still carry a lot of disappointment concerning my family in my heart (obviously) It's not that I don't love them. I do love them as best I can. But sometimes I run into the empty spots in life. These voids that have never been filled because of how things are in my family, and well that kinda hurts.

I've learned to deal. I've learned to keep moving. I've learned I can't change my family. Though honestly sometimes I wish I could. I wish I could know what it feels like to have the kind of support I see that others have from their families. To have that feeling that they really would stand by you through thick and thin, and they would do it because they love you, not just because you are a blood relative. It's hard to explain though. I don't know if I really can.

I also need to be thinking about my paternal father in MI. He also will need my support too when things eventually get bad for him. It's just a lot to take in right now, and some days if I'm not careful I can let myself get mowed down by it all. I don't plan on rolling around in any mire pit here for any extended period of time. However, I have a feeling I may trip and fall into the mire pit here and there along the way. You know? Fear not though. I will come back to my senses. Once I find them again that is.

I was going through similar thoughts and events at about your age. At the least, it's a self learning period. An aside, my x-business partner and I used to say, a year or two ago when we were both old and greyish, can we stop learning now?

Being both present to the event and true to yourself is a tricky course, but worth trying for. Success isn't the issue, it's the trying.

You were? It's so easy sometimes to forget that there are others have walked a similar path. To become consumed by the present pain or circumstances. It is good to be reminded that I'm not alone in the trials I am walking through right now. You are right osso. I believe one of the greatest successes we can experience in life is learning to not give up, but to keep trying. Thank you.

Please refresh me. How old are you?

36 years old. Why do you ask?

One of the great things about A2K is that you get to interact with a myriad of people, of different ages and stages of life. When we are involved in a knotty problem, we tend to forget that there are people all over who have been through, or are now going through, similar problems. It is very comforting to know that other people have gone through, and overcame, the issues that are plaguing us right now.

When we are going through difficult times, there is a tendency to think that the difficulty is peculiar to us. That idea tends to make us feel isolated, and is not helpful in working through the problem. It is great to know that we are not alone, but that we are simply human beings, with human problems.

I agree phoenix. Definitely.

My dad is home from the hospital. The chemo has made him really tired. We won't get the bone scan results for another week or so at his next doctors appointment. He seems to be doing ok. He is showing mixed symptoms and reliefs all at the same time. When he went into the hospital his breathing was really shallow and he couldn't bend over, walk too far, or stand up too quick because his blood pressure would drop and make him dizzy. Now he sounds pretty hoarse but his breathing isn't nearly as shallow, he can move around more and even bend down to pick things up. My mom listened to his lungs and said she can hear air going into the right lung now. So that's good too. The odd thing is his face and neck are starting to swell up, which means the blood is not draining properly because of that tumor.

I know chemo doesn't work over night. It just seems odd to me that he would lose the ones he went in with and come home with some different ones. I'm sure it's probably just part of the process. I don't know. I'm not a doctor, and I'm hanging up my doctors hat. I'm trying to relax and enjoy the time I have with him, whether that be 3 months or three years. He's been sleeping in the chair most of the day. I think the chemo really wiped him out. I know he's glad to be home. I'm glad he's home too.

Me too.

I've spent most of the afternoon flipping here and there in the forums, but processing things in the back of my mind. I realized something just now. I've gone out and sat with my dad when his not dozing, you know, just to kind of be there with him. He looks kind of vacant and distant today. I'm not sure if it's because he's not feeling well, or he's processing too. Maybe both. At dinner though we were all just sitting there quietly eating, except my mom was doating (is that the word?) over him. "Honey, do you need this? Honey, do you want me to get you that? Honey..."

What I realized as she was doing this and he was being so patient and not saying anything even though I could tell it was bugging him, is that probably the worst thing we can do for him right now is to treat him like he's dying. Like he's helpless. Like he can't do things for himself anymore without our help. I have been. With out even realizing it. Once again I am reminded how easy it is to say things, how we think it should be. But you know, it's always wise to look and see if we are actually doing the things we are saying.

So I've taken off the doctors hat and I'm putting on my daughters hat now. I'll show him I love him. I'll help him if he asks, and if he doesn't, well... I'm going to let him live.

Thanks phoenix.

Hep- I think that you are on the right track. By being so solicitous, you are sending your stepdad a negative message. Be there for him, but not on top of him. He too needs time to be by himself, with his own thoughts, to be able to process what is happening to him.

You are doing great. (But go to the dentist. You need to look out for your own health now). BTW, the word is "doting".

Quick update:

Dad went to the oncologist today. The bone scan they did showed the spot on his hip. They are confused though because it's not giving him any pain. He told me they said it's not cancer. Mom says they said it probably is cancer. One piece of good news though is that my dad told me today he is going to ask the doctor for the prognosis on Wed. when they go back. He said he wants to hear strait from the doctor how much time they think he might have left. He's doing much better now that most of the effects of the chemo have worn off. He's up and around a lot more and actually able to do some stuff he wasn't able to do before. He does tire easily though. I suspect that is normal.

It is so weird to think this could potentially be my last holidays with him. I got to thinking after reading edgars post about the holidays. You know, I think I might actually enjoy them this year. In the last several years. I have dreaded Christmas. Mostly out of sheer self-righteousness. Feeling like, "Harumph! It's a "pagan" holiday! No one celebrates it for what it's suppose to be.... about Jesus!" Maybe some relationships could be mended within my family this year. Maybe it's time for me to forgive them for the things I feel they failed me in, and just learn to enjoy the time I have with them now. I don't know. I guess this whole thing, as hard and bumpy as this process seems to be right now, is kind of changing my perspective on what's really important in life.

I have had the deal with death a few times in the past few years. My finacee passed away unexpectedly shortly before Thanksgiving in 2004. We hled her funeral at her parents home in New Jersey the day before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, I didn't feel much like giving thanks at that time. As time has passed I am able to enjoy life again. I know how hard it can be. Good luck hephzibah!

Wow, Nick. Very sorry...




Heph, I'm glad your dad will talk directly with the doctor - that's as it should be.

Nick, I'm sorry to hear that. I know that must have been tough. Thanks for understanding. I'm glad that you are doing better now.

Yeah... I agree osso. It is as it should be.