Step Dad in the Hospital

Best wishes to you, heph.

Saying a special prayer for you and your Dad, heph.

Thanks everyone. My dad is going for his biopsy today. Apparently my mom talked to the doctor the other day while my dad was out of the room getting some tests done. The doctor told her that his prognosis is probably not very good here. He is almost certain the lymph node thing is cancer that has spread from his lung. (They will find that out for sure with these biopsy results) If it is cancer that would make him a level four cancer patient. His life expectancy would be six months. My dad does not know this yet, as he wasn't there when my mom talked to the doctor. She has decided not to tell him, but rather wait for the test results and let the doctor tell him if that is in fact the case.

My prayers for your Dad and you.

Yesterday I got a call from my Mom's oncologist. She had had a PET
scan and they found a tumor on her left lung. She already had cancer in
the right lung but that had stopped growing after a trip though to rings of
the Inferno called radiation and chemotherapy. Now the oncologist wants
to discuss Tarceva and radiofrequency ablation. I've got some research
to do.

Hang in there!

Oh, man.

Crikey.

Time for Noddy and a double dose of dominion-holding.

My dad did ok for the biopsy yesterday. He's so much more scared than he's letting on. He cried for just a minute when my mom and her friend prayed for him before he went in. I have never seen him cry. I found out why my mom is so sure this is cancer while we were waiting. He's lost 10 lbs in the last 12 days, and he's been eating fine. He's getting a PET scan next Tuesday and the doctor should have all the test results in by Wednesday. I am so scared.

I don't think cancer would make him lose 10 lbs. in 12 days, but the stress sure could.

I understand about the scared part, though. Been there myself. Hang on to each other. That's what family is for.

Tell my mom that would ya? She's the most paranoid person I've ever met. She's a nurse so she knows a lot of medical stuff. Her first reaction to everything is always the absolute worst scenario there could be to that situation. Always. I was taking an aspirin a day for a while and I ended up looking like a battered wife because if I just touched something I bruised. Ok... I was taking too high a dose and the aspirin was thinning my blood out too much. No biggie. My mom saw me and her exact reaction was:

Oh MY GOD! You've got leukemia!!! You need to go to the doctor RIGHT NOW!!!!

She said today that she is certain it's cancer because according to her "knowledge" stage four cancer will take what you eat and use it to grow. Errrr... I've never heard that before, but... ok. She's coping in her own way. We all are. So I say ok and leave it at that because you just can't convince her otherwise unfortunately. I'm just hanging on to hear what the actual tests say and hoping for the best. If it's the worst, well we'll make it through that too. No need to start planning for it just yet though.

All right. Let's talk. A bunch of us have had cancer and will have cancer.


Stage 4 is not good, almost always terminal. I do have one friend alive and riding her horses about six years after news of stage 4, but she then had a bone marrow transplant, very hard, all she went through, with late diagnosis carcinoma. I think at least one of us on a2k has had a bone marrow transplant, but my acquaintance and the a2k person I'm thinking of were in otherwise good health to start.... the process is extremely debilitating, always, and doesn't always win.

Some of us here have survived these things (I had only stage 1) and some of us in the future will too.

This is life, Heph. My dad, still my fulcrum, died when I was a quite stupid 26.

Your mom is welcome on a2k, and we'd no doubt be troublesome for her.
My own mom - if this had been available to her, might have grown, as she was smart enough, a valedictorian who reneged on it because she didn't want to speak... but my mom was, when I knew her in my childhood, a very rule bound person. I think she was more than that, still looking, in memory, years later.

My mom on A2K. Now THAT would be interesting. Though you all would have your hands full. Really you would. Man I love her though. I highly doubt she would even consider the idea, but actually, I'll mention it to her.

I understand about your mom, heph. As they say, "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing."

BTW, I am a stage 1 survivor myself (thyroid cancer). My husband is a stage 3 survivor (head & neck cancer.) We would both tell your mom that while expert knowledge and aggressive treatment are imperative, it is often the patient's mindset that is the real key to survival.

You betcha.

There's being pragmatic and there's being paranoid, panicky and fearmongering. Your mother can be the former without being the latter. I'm sure she knows the difference between the two, but just in case the line is blurry --

• Not making reservations for a cruise in three months, or otherwise putting long-range planning on hold, is pragmatic
  
• Haranguing your stepdad to get his will done and his affairs in order is fearmongering right now -- but it would be pragmatic in the future if he dodges this bullet and is all right. Now, I think everyone should have their affairs in order, but asking someone who is scared and has every right to be scared, well, that doesn't help things one whit
  
• Asking your stepfather's doctors about treatment options, care and life expectancy is pragmatic
  
• Contacting your clergyman is pragmatic if this is what your stepfather wants
  
• Calling in the entire family for final goodbyes is only semi-pragmatic; it depends on how your stepdad would feel, how far along things are, whether the situation is truly dire, etc. I would not discourage people from coming in, and I would not encourage them to lie to him about his prospects but, at the same time, this is not the time for family members to settle old scores or relinquish their own guilt
  
• Asking your stepdad how he feels, and what he thinks should be done in terms of care, tests, etc. is pragmatic
  
• Volunteering, without being asked, what she thinks should be done or how far along he is (without knowledge or proof) is fearmongering
  
• And, finally, asking him his wishes in terms of DNR orders and the like is a difficult discussion, but it's a pragmatic one. The hospital can help with this.

We're listening.

I didn't have a chance to ask my mom today about coming here to talk to you all. Eva, you're words are encouraging. Thank you. Jespah, thanks for the list. If she won't come here I could at least print it off, let her read it and talk to her about it. I am more afraid of how her reaction could effect him than how the actual diagnosis could effect him. Not trying to be morbid here, but if it is as bad as it is thought it could be, mom and I are having a serious chat.

I want her to let him live how he wants to live. I can totally see her sitting him down in a chair and never letting him get up again. He's a very active person, he would be miserable. He already is. I don't think he should do anything that could make it harder for himself, by any means. However, I think he has the right to do what he can to with whatever time he would have left. Not just sit down and wait to die. That's just wrong.

On a bit of a lighter note though I did get some good news from my other dad today. He's had three chemo treatments so far and the lump in his shoulder has shrunk 2 cm. Simply awesome!

Good news on your other dad. Hey, get yer silver linings wherever you can.

No kidding! BTW, that was a GREAT list, jes. I always forget you have to spell things out for some people.

My dad is back in the hospital. Things are looking pretty bad. The tumor in his lung has grown so much that it is now blocking the blood flow from a main vein or artery or something to his head neck and shoulders. I got the call from my mom on my way home from work. She asked me to come home first though because the doctor asked us to get his living will. Oh my god. This can't be happening.

Keep strong! All the very best for all of you!

My grandma had pneumonia a few months ago and she recovered very quickly. I wish the same for your father-in-law. My grandma is 101. And a smoker.

Sending warm thoughts and hugs, heph.