Step Dad in the Hospital

Hep- You know your dad. Is he the kind of man who looks at things squarely, or does is he the kind of person who rather not know?

One of the worst things about cancer, (BTW, I am the A2Ker who had the BMT) is the feeling that you are totally out of control, that your body is working against you.

For me, I had to know EVERYTHING. It gave me a modicum of control, when there was chaos all around me. I even picked out my tombstone.

If your dad is the kind of person who can deal with this, share the truth with him, in a gentle way. You might say, that it looks bad, but the doctors are doing their best to control the illness.

If there are going to be only a few decisions left for him, give him the opportunity to make those decisions, and show him your love and support through this process. One of the worst things, IMO, is for everyone, including the patient, to know the "secret", with no one talking about it.

If he is indeed dying, it is so important that the two of you to tie up loose ends, to say the things to each other that you might have otherwise put off.

Hospice is excellent in helping a person through the death process, and keeping the person comfortable throughout.

I am sending positive thoughts your way. Hang in there, girl. It's rough, but I know that you have the strength to deal with whatever comes in your direction.

Man, heph, that's a hell of a rollercoaster you've been on this week. Sorry, I haven't kept up and sorry to hear what you've all been through. George's summary above still holds. The rollercoaster sucks, but all you can do is take it one day at a time and take your cues from your dad.

Taking to a dr to get first hand info is a good idea. I hope you get some answers and that you get some idea of what to expect going forward.

Hugs and best wishes to you and yours and to George and his family.

Yes. What Phoenix said.

I'm so sorry, Heph. This brings me back, really eerie the similiarity in the situations. In my stepdad's case, he was the type of person who wanted to know. He was involved in all the details right up until the point where he really shouldn't have been. He was very good at fooling us, because he was so smart, but at a certain point the treatment and drugs, well, his lucidity became more and more fleeting. He chose when it was time to go, before it got so much out of his control, and that was what he wanted. To be able to decide when he would keep fighting and when it was no longer worth it.

Really feeling for you heph. For what it is worth, I understand that desire to just scream your guts out and maybe shake up someone. Just to know.

You're doing a wonderful job in a really hard circumstance. Just being there with him is so important. Lots of love your way.

I can really get what your feelings are, heph.

My best wishes to you and yours (as well as to George and his family).

hepzibah, you're a smart, loving woman. Talk to the docs, try to talk to your mother about why she wants to do what she wants to do, then think about it all and make your own decisions. (which is my way of saying I agree with Phoenix)

I'm a little confused about why the doctor is talking to your mom and not to your dad? Why doesn't your dad already know this stuff?

That said, for what it's worth, my mom was a hospice nurse for many, many years, and I heard so many stories from her about families who didn't want the patient to know how serious things were (not just hospice patients but regular hospital patients who were candidates for hospice, whether they knew it or not) and how many problems that caused. The number one theme seemed to be family members not wanting to tell the patient, the patient knowing that, and the patient expending energy trying to keep up that fiction -- (that everything will be OK, and that the patient didn't know that the family knew that it wouldn't be OK). Not only was that an expenditure of energy that the patient didn't really have in those circumstances, but it kept everyone from doing the important things (from tombstones to goodbyes) because of the fiction that the patient would be fine...

Which brings to mind, if things definitely look bad, maybe you can look into finding a hospice for him?

Sorry this is getting so rough so fast. Best wishes to everyone.

I'm with ehBeth and Phoenix.

As long as your dad is mentally competent, he should be given the straight facts and allowed to make his own decisions. It's his body, his life. It's bad enough to lose one's health, no need to lose one's dignity as well. And that's exactly how he will feel if he finds out others are making decisions about him behind his back. Don't do that to him.

Alright, here we go:

I went to the hospital for a while this morning. Dad's taking a nap now so I came home to relax a little. I did manage to catch the doctor who talked to my mom last night while my mom was out doing a few things and my dad was visiting with friends. I told him I was having a hard time sorting through all this second hand information I'm getting and wanted to hear from him what it was he told my mom last night. So I started firing questions at him.

To sum up what he said, the tumor has cut off this vein almost completely. There is a chance they can put a stint in there to open it up and get some blood flow going again. By the way... I got the wrong artery. I for the life of me cannot remember the name of the condition he has. At any rate, here it is folks. The chemo is not going to make him better. It is going to slow the cancer down. That's it. The doctors words not mine.

So I caught my mom downstairs when she got back from her errands and told her exactly how I'm feeling about all this. She was horrified that I had spoken to dad about a few things after talking to the doctor. He of course wanted to know why I talked to him. I was pushing the "limits" my mother has set by telling him that I was concerned about the trouble they had last night putting in the life port and was having a hard time understanding a few things and was just looking for some answers. My mom thought that my dad did not know about that. He did though. However the information he was given was quite vague apparently.

I told my mom that I feel like how she is handling this is not right or fair to my dad. That I'm scared we are going to hurt him worse in the long run by not being up front with him now. He needs to know he is not going to get better. Sure, some of the symptoms will be relieved a little for a time, however, ultimately, he's not going to get the remission or recovery he's believing he's going to get. He needs to have the choice to fight or not fight. Have hope or lose hope. That is not our decision, and I feel ultimately in the long run we will hurt him more if we aren't up front with him from the beginning.

She feels that what she is doing is completely right. She feels he does not want to know, and will ask when he is ready to know. She doesn't feel that he will feel betrayed or deceived by us when he does find out. She stated plainly that if he were to ask either her or the doctors they would tell him exactly what's going on, but no one feels he is ready to hear that right now because he is not asking.

Next question:

Is anyone ever really READY to hear the words, "You are going to die."?

Shortly there after my mom sent me home. She's upset with me right now I think. She didn't like what I had to say. It won't surprise me a bit if she doesn't leave me alone with my dad now. She even told me as she was walking me out to the main entrance, "You know honey, you really don't have to stay up here at the hospital with us. Your dad is fine and there's really nothing you can do. I know you are busy and have other things you'd rather be doing. So just come back whenever. It's no big deal."

*shakes her head*

I told her I'd be back in a few hours and walked out the door. I know she thinks what she is doing is what is best for him. I know she loves him with all her heart and doesn't want to see him hurting, or give up hope. I know. I understand. I actually feel just the same. But damn it all, it's time to grow up a little bit here and put our own needs aside for his sake. He has every right to know that things are not as they seem to him. He has every right to choose to fight or give up. He has every right to know that as hard as this is for him we are standing right beside him, we love him, and are not going to give up on him even if he gives up on himself.

I am so lost right now.

If I tell my dad against my moms wishes and he does give up and die she will spend the rest of her life blaming me for his death.

If I don't tell him, I really believe it is going to hurt him more in the long run, and she will spend the rest of her life blaming herself because she thought she was helping and ended up hurting him.

*sigh*

It sure feels like a lose/lose situation to me right now.

When my father died, he knew all and everything about it. Weeks, months before.

Mother knew nothing, we a little.

My father had stayed in the hospital he had worked in as a doctor for 35 years.

I always thaught that was unfair as well.


But he had lead during his last years working there a department with terminal ill persons. I think, how he thought to handle the situation best according to his experiences.

I truely believe, everyone in such situations does think so. Your mother as well as you, hephzibah, do.

It's a terrible situation. But I'm sure, you'll find the right solution how to handle it.

Well sugar, I have to say that, as your father's wife, your mother probably knows him best. Even better than you. Her feeling that his not asking is a sign that he doesn't want to know is probably correct. If anyone knows this, she would.

It would not be a good idea to go against your mother now. Please remember that everyone is stressed out. Everyone. Let your mother make this decision and live with the consequences, whatever they may be. But I would ask the doctors why they aren't talking directly to your father about anything. That does seem odd. And I would also start tying up loose ends, as someone stated earlier, letting him know how much he means to you, without sounding as if you're saying goodbye, of course! Because, you just may not be.

No, they are not. It takes a while to process that particular piece of information. IMO, it is all the more reason that a person needs to be told, so that they may die in the way that they want.

You are in a peculiar position. I really question as to whether your mother's stance is for the good of your stepdad, or whether it is because she is unable to deal with the reality of the situation.

I agree with eoe. Your mother is the closest person to your stepdad. But that does not prevent you from tying up the loose ends. Maybe you need to leave the telling up to her, but in the meantime, you could talk it out with her, and attempt to help her to understand why it is important that he know. If your stepdad puts you on the spot though, I don't think that you should lie to him.

Years ago, it was very common for a dying person to have the most important information in their entire lives withheld from them. Over the years, the attitude of society has changed, and most patients will be told if their illness cannot be controlled.

I remember when my grandmother was dying, in the late 1960's, of colon cancer. My father and aunt made up some cock and bull story, and never told her that she was dying. I was with her at the end, and watched her die.

She was on strong meds, and was drifting in and out of consciousness. One of the last things that she said to me was, "I don't want to go to the cemetery". I went along with keeping the secret, but on one level or another, she knew. Today I regret it. I think that it would have been wonderful if I had the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me, and how much I would mss her.

And did you make it, dys? Finish the story.

Thanks everyone for all the things you've shared. They are helpful and comforting. I'm just feeling a little bit down tonight. I'm trying to get my spirits back up before I go to the hospital. I hope my mom knows me well enough to know that I won't go against her wishes. I will talk to her about it, and express how I feel, but I won't force her into dealing with something she's not ready to deal with either. It's just hard that's all.

Death is a part of life. It sucks, it hurts, and I am truly sad. But I think perhaps I have finally learned to let go. Not meaning losing hope. As long as my dad is breathing, talking, and "alive" I know I will have hope because I have that time to spend with him, to share with him, to laugh with him, to be there for him. To cherish and stash away in my memory banks for those lonely times when he is gone. When I come home to a house he is no longer in. When I look at his empty chair at dinner time and the unfinished projects we started together.

What I am most afraid of is what eoe and phoenix talked about. Being kept from telling him the things that are in my heart to tell him. To be kept from saying goodbye just so he can live a lie and so can my mom. The thought of him dying without me being able to say thank you for all the things he's done over the years, for all the times he's been there even when I didn't want him there hurts so bad. I think I need that more than he does even. And I hope that my mom will somehow come to the place where she has settled it in her heart. What ever that means and allow that for herself, me, and the rest of the family. Because you know we all have to go on after he's gone and I don't want for any of us to have to do that with regrets.

Hep- Start to tell him. Reminisce about the joys that you shared together. Hug him a lot and tell him that you love him.

You can't control what your mother does, but you can do your best to let him know that you really care. He IS still alive, and you can enjoy whatever time that you have together.

Sure, you feel down. You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster. The impending death of someone important is always a trauma for someone who has cares about the person.

We are here for you. We are as close as your keyboard.

Thank. So much.

Oh yes, tell him. It is always a good time for that. The thing that is weird, at least in my experience, is how there are so many things we feel we want to say and do at times like this: and then once we open up some to get it out, we often find out they knew the whole time. I remember a lot of deep bellied laughs about some of those things. It's good to say them outloud more often though. Unspoken understanding brought to light, and tiny misunderstanding cleared up. It helps a lot.

Now, have you had a nice hot shower and put clean clothes on yet, Heph?
(sorry, i'm a bossy one, make sure you take care of you too though kay)

LOL I'm getting ready now. I think I've finally cried myself out for the day. I just didn't want to go back up there all blubbering and stuff. Of course that "other thread" I have going is a welcome distraction from all the doom and gloom too. I think I might go out tonight. There's a cute little karaoke bar not too far from here. It might be a relief to put back a few more cold ones and watch the drunk people try to sing. It's entertaining. Not quite as entertaining as watching drunk people try to line dance though. Maybe it would do me some good to get out tonight though. Alright. I'm outta here. Catch ya'll later. Thanks again.

Hugs, sweetie. Nuffin else to say.

Thanks Jes.

My dad didn't sleep much last night. Come to think of it... neither did I. He's sleeping right now so I'm just waiting at home until he wakes up. I'd like to go back to bed but I can't. While going out last night did help to push things away temporarily, this morning it was there to greet me. My mom said his spirits are sinking again and he's feeling pretty frustrated and angry today. Totally understandable. Maybe he's starting to realize the truth.

I wish I could express how truly angry I am about all this. It really sucks to feel powerless and unable to help someone cope. I know we've talked about this but dang it all, I can't get around this feeling that I'm lying to my dad. I seriously don't think I can keep up a show. I'm so not like that. I know he sees the pain in my eyes when he looks at me. His expression changes every time he looks at me.

I've got to figure out a better way to cope though. Alcohol is definitely not the road I want to take at this point. I remembered last night why I don't "party" any more. What osso said to me right before I left really hit me. I don't want to be somewhere else if something happens. But it doesn't feel right to sit here and sulk either. In some ways I feel so alone.

I think thoughts like, "Damn my husband for being a crappy husband. I really need him right now." To hold me. That's all I want really. Just someone to hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me I'm going to make it. I need some emotional comfort and it feels like everyone in my family has shut down. Everyone is putting on this stupid show, this fake front that they are fine, and I think all of us feel like we are dying inside.

How silly is this? No one will shed a tear and everyone's looking at me like, "Don't you dare." when it all starts welling up inside of me. So now I'm left feeling like I have to hide my pain and deal with it alone. I don't understand people. I really don't. I don't understand what the big deal is with showing you are hurting, scared, angry, and everything else that comes with this. Why everything has to be so secretive.

That is the essence of my family though. It's always been this way. It has never been "ok" to show emotions, because that means you are weak and unable to deal.

HUH?

I feel like telling them, "Welcome to the real world. I am weak and you know what? I'm ok with that. I have every right to be weak right now and so do you. But we don't have the right to deny each other the emotional support we all need just to pretend like we are strong."

I sincerely don't get it.

Well... Mom just called so I'm heading to the hospital for a while. I'll catch you all later.