Atonement, Amends, and Dirty little secrets

If confessing a wrongdoing to someone would only cause them more pain, I wouldn't do it. Instead, I would make a vow to myself to never hurt anyone else like that again.

If I found a way to do something for the offended person, that would help them, or make them feel loved or special, I would do it....preferably anonomously. I wouldn't want them to know I was doing it, since then it become a whole different thing, making it about yourself doing something nice.

It all boils down to the "go and sin no more" part.

As far as apolgizing, making atonement to someone that you can approach directly, I've learned a few things.

With some people, you can take care of what needs to be taken care of, then, for both of you it's water under the bridge, and you can continue on with your relationship.

With others I learned, it doesn't matter how many times you apologize, make amends, whatever....they just keep bringing it up over and over. In this case, I realized I would just be beating my head against a wall, and hard as it was, let them know that I'd done everything I could to atone, but that they were not letting go, and that I wasn't going to continue, since from that moment on, it was just words.

The hardest part of that was accepting that their reaction was out of your hands. Personally, I found the typical reaction to be once again going over your failures. You have to just walk away, knowing you absolutely did all you could.

Interesting thread.

Yeah, I think my approach would be similar to Chai's for most situations -- apologize, and accept that since I'm apologizing for something I did wrong there is likely to be some bitterness on the other person's part and allowing for that, well beyond my comfort level. Yet still having some outer limit, when the bitterness is outsized or neverending.

For someone who is dead (or if it's otherwise impossible to tell him or her directly), hmm. Does the person have a grave, or some worldly marker, or someplace where the ashes were spread, or ANY place that is highly associated with that person for one reason or another? If so, I'd probably do something like write a letter to that person, go to that spot, read it aloud, and then burn the letter.

I would suggest if the wronged person is dead or otherwise incommunicado, you find some way to make the world better in their name. Do something that they would have appreciated in life, that others may remember and appreciate them.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.I'm still thinking about this. I guess part of it is righting it within ourselves: like you mentioned Chai, it can be difficult with those who are determined not to forgive or to hold on to bitterness. Sometimes it can be hard knowing when enough is enough, and to just walk away let it go.

I like the ideas for squaring up with those who are dead/incommunicato.

Must I be honest? I'd have to say I'm probably small enough of a person to let it slide... If the transgression was minor. I know it makes me sound like an utter bastard, and perhaps I am. Some things may be better left unsaid. And If the other party is not aware of the wrong done to them...

Having debased myself like this, I would also have to say that I try my best to steer clear of doing people harm in any way. This of course is unattainable, to interact with people on a daily basis means you will at times do people wrong. But it is a wrothy goal to aim for.

I agree with what others have said but would add that if I can't apologize because the person is no longer living or it would be more harmful to bring it up again, then I would at least apologize to myself.

I think that when one has such a realization / change in their life so as to finally really understand what their actions have done to others, that person also needs to come to a point of forgiving themselves.

I think it was Maya Angelou that said something like "You did what you knew then, and when you knew better, you did better."

naj, lol. I do that too - let certain things slide. I think everyone does.

When things come into my awareness though - that's the interesting thing, sometimes the realization that we've even done harm takes a long time, way after the fact - I try to do right. Lots of people do I figure.

Yes, forgiveness of oneself. Thanks for bringing that into play. I think that has a lot to do with how well we are able to deal with others and amends.
btw squinney, I love that Maya Angelou quote. It's a good one.

This just came up with me last week or so. I had a dream or something, not sure what started it, but this one guy swam to the surface of my consciousness. He was a guy who took the bus to high school with me, nice enough guy, always trying to chat me up. In the morning I was tired and bracing myself for the day at school (this was when I was going deaf, most of the way there but still fluctuations, school knocked me out every day, collapsed when I finally got home), and I told him that -- just wasn't in the mood to talk. He kept trying. I forget how often that went back and forth, but I just gave up, and would nod and smile and provide minimum reaction, and he'd blather on. I started practicing on him, a little -- I was learning the whole speech-reading thing, how to handle conversations in a way to maximize the likelihood of my understanding them. One way (I use it all the time now) is that if I stop someone every other word I don't get I'll never understand -- I have to just let things kind of flow and at some point I get a hook and everything else falls into place.

Anyway, now this is all conscious and I know what I'm doing, but at the time it was just boredom and experimentation and a hefty dose of terror. At some point, he was telling me some long involved story, I was doing pretty well at keeping him engaged (if people think you don't understand, they shut down, and they have to be open and engaged to get the hook), and I wasn't getting it, but I was letting it flow, and I still wasn't getting it, and he looked at me with this sort of stricken expression, and I was like oh ****, and he said did you understand any of that, and I was like not really, and he said do you EVER understand what I'm saying, and I was like sometimes, and he got all pissed at me and never spoke to me again.

:-?

So I Googled him with some vague intention of apologizing/ explaining and of course he's a terribly famous musician and songwriter and critic and had a radio show and has a popular blog and is painfully cool and cutting edge and cult following and I tried to word what I'd say to him a few times and then just let it go.

Maybe I still will, maybe not.

I did do a quick search for his name and "deaf" and "bus" though to see if he'd written a song about how horrible I was... :-P

No songs written about you? That sucks. :wink:

He took that hard - never speaking to you again. Wow. Obviously he went on and did well, so its not like you tainted his life or anything. haha. I've been having a lot of memories and thoughts like that, Soz. Some along the same lines (you didn't have mean intentions), and some more serious.

Soz, off topic, but are there any threads here where you have spoken more about all these communication tricks and insights you have learned? It's fascinating. I'm guessing you've been asked before tho, right, but I have no idea how I would search for that? thx.

Very provocative answers thus far. I'd like to add that I've taught myself to remember my tresspasses as a way of letting other people's tresspasses slide off my back.

There is an African tribal community that believes that the death of someone who seriously wronged another tribal member is to weigh him down with stones and dump him in the water. IF the person who was wronged by him runs out to save his life, his grief will be ended,
lessened & healed. If he does not, his grief will never end. An AMEND is not an apology. It is a profound change in YOU regarding a harm you've done to another. First you must recognize your part of the responsibility is your side of the street. And that the person you've harmed is to be held responsible for his/her side of the street. For you to go to someone to whom you've done a grievous wrong to confess when this will certainly only cause that person pain & grief is not an amend. It is easing your conscience at the expense of another. For ME an amend is a very profoundly spiritual matter & takes much time and study to leave my bias & anger behind and look anew on the situation LOOKING ONLY UPON MY ACTIONS ALONE!!! All too long I hid behind "If she hadn't done this or that to me I would never have acted in such a way". This is where I leave out every bit of what the other person did and I own up to only my actions. If I have taken something, I can give it back. Yet most of life's situations are far more complex. Remember that in the matter of amends ... the person who benefits is YOU. Whether the other party accepts your repayment, replacement, change in character or whatever - is none of your business. Only the sweeping of YOUR side of the street is your duty. Otherwise like a thorn beneath the skin it festers, hurts and damages you, making you bitter & angry, yet you hurt only yourself. It is far easier to humble yourself & admit that you've been a faithless friend or a nasty gossip or whatever, than to go on forever with this always in the back of your mind, making no effort at all toward reconciliation. But if much time & thought, and often some help from an uninvolved & objective party will help you swim your way through the mud & muck to reach the other side of the swamp. This has just
been my personal experience. It's also a healthy practice to take note of
how you wrong yourself and make amends to yourself, giving you a new
life.