Reply
Wed 29 Mar, 2006 12:34 am
Hello all, I decided to share something I wrote this evening. It's a prayer. It contains some personal references, but that's okay. Really I just need to share this because I've been feeling so lost. Maybe some of you have some thoughts to share. Even if you don't, I'm hoping those of you who pray will pray for me.
Dear Lord,
I'm having a hard time right now. I know I'm supposed to be the perfect Christian. I know I'm supposed to believe what I've been taught. But I don't. And I have to get it out there. I don't believe in hell the way we've been told of it. I'm scared of hell. But I can't believe in condemnation in this way. This is not simply because I want to live my life the way I want to live it. It is because I know too many good people who don't fit into the mold of what is Christian. I cannot believe that those people burn for all eternity. Yet I cannot reconcile myself to believing that there is no justice either. I'm scared Lord. I'm scared because of my own sexual immorality. I'm scared because I don't know how to get back to the blind faith that I once had - the tears I shed for lent. Now the images that once moved me feel meaningless. I clutch my rosary and say Hail Holy Queen. I concentrate really hard on remembering why She touched me so. And I remember nothing. I remember no feeling but emptiness. Did my sin cause me to feel this way? Or did my feeling this way cause me to sin? I think of "Footprints". I think of how now, when I think you've abandoned me, you are really carrying me. But it all seems like the words and the sentiments of others. Those sentiments used to touch me deeply. I used to want to live for you. Then I realized my own loneliness. And I gave in to sex. Not just sex, but the whole plethora of self-loathing that goes with giving this gift to those whom I did not love. And I used them all. They used me too. And I believed for a while that I was a victim. But I was a criminal, not a victim.
Now, I'm trying to start over Lord. I like Justin very much. But he is an atheist. And I am joining myself with somebody who is unequally yoked. He told me he doesn't want it to be about sex. We've been alone together twice and he hasn't even tried to touch me. His kisses are respectful. And still I feel like I'm spiraling downward with this one. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of hurting him.
But I want to love again. I want to love the way that I loved Ahmed. I thought of a million ways to go back to France yesterday. Now I'm going to graduate early. I'll have four months before grad school, and I want to go back to France and teach English. But why? I think it's because I just want to see his face again. I just want to make love to him again. And there it is again - sex. We used each other, right? So why do I feel like I loved him? He was a Muslim, non-practicing, but Muslim still. He taught me how we are the same. We are all sons of Abraham. And I loved him for that. It's funny how Muslims actually believe in the universality of monotheistic peoples. They respect "people of the book" (aside from the extremists). But even the most liberal Christians feel that Christianity is the only way. I'm moved by the beauty of Arabic writing. I sometimes think I'm moved by Islam when I read parts of the Qu'ran (in translation). But I know nothing of it. I just know that I loved Ahmed. And he had so much good in his heart compared to most of the Christians I know.
And then I meet Atheists. And they all try to convert me. It's odd. Here in college, we aren't allowed by our peers to be believers. It's more acceptable to say He is Nothing than anything else. But Justin doesn't try to convince me. I can't foresee us arguing about God. But God is important to me. Even in this time of doubt, I can't seem to let go of losing Him. But I want to try with Justin, even if he is an atheist. Yet that word scares me. How can you believe in nothing? And then I realize, there is very little that I still believe in. And that makes me very sad.
Don't despair, Danielle. You are experiencing your humanity. Probably most of the folks on this board will agree on that.
Additionally, you will find a smorgasbord of opinions as to what all this means and what you should do or believe. Read them with discernment.
My own opinion is that God's purpose is not that we suffer and die. If Adam and Eve had not sinned, they would still be here and we would not have war and crime and sickness and death. There is no burning hell, either. The consequence of Adam's disobedience was to be death - nothing more, nothing less. Though it may seem like an intolerably long time, God has promised to restore mankind to perfection.
I'll sign off now let the rest of the board chip in.
daniellejean said:
I'm having a hard time right now. I know I'm supposed to be the perfect Christian. I know I'm supposed to believe what I've been taught. But I don't. And I have to get it out there. I don't believe in hell the way we've been told of it. I'm scared of hell. But I can't believe in condemnation in this way. This is not simply because I want to live my life the way I want to live it. It is because I know too many good people who don't fit into the mold of what is Christian. I cannot believe that those people burn for all eternity. Yet I cannot reconcile myself to believing that there is no justice either. I'm scared Lord. I'm scared because of my own sexual immorality. I'm scared because I don't know how to get back to the blind faith that I once had - the tears I shed for lent. Now the images that once moved me feel meaningless. I clutch my rosary and say Hail Holy Queen. I concentrate really hard on remembering why She touched me so. And I remember nothing. I remember no feeling but emptiness. Did my sin cause me to feel this way? Or did my feeling this way cause me to sin? I think of "Footprints". I think of how now, when I think you've abandoned me, you are really carrying me. But it all seems like the words and the sentiments of others
Ok this bit sounds SO much like me about a year back, and a lot of it still rings true now. I'm actually not Christian any more, but I still have a strong faith in God. But anyway, that's not the point. What I came on to say is that I believe these questions can get in the way so much, when what we need is just a quiet moment with God. What we've been taught and brought up with can blind us to new truths we need to learn. Trust that God wants to be closer to you, empty your mind of what you've been taught and ask HIM to teach you. And listen. Most of all, don't stress about the journey - life's just a ride.
daniellejean, wow. Such honesty. Thank you for sharing this. You have taken the first step just in recognizing where you are at and how you are truly feeling inside. The best advice I have to offer you right now may not be worth much in light of the fact that I myself have been tossed to and fro almost violently by my emotions lately. Yet, I will share because maybe it will help. One of the happiest times in my life was when I was not being led around by how I felt. When I would do something similar to this. Write it all down, look at it from another perspective, and then make a decision or decisions based on that.
Our emotions are a very tricky thing. They will cause us to do and say things that we don't necessarily mean, yet it just "feels" right at the time. One of the things I've learned in life is to always try to check my motives first before I run off on any tangents. When we give credence to how we feel above being able to see the other things surrounding the situation despair can take over and easily lead us to feeling utterly hopeless. I would encourage you to just step back and take another look at how you feel, and begin to ask yourself why. What caused these feelings. How did you get to this place. If you can find the answers to those questions, you can find the ultimate answer as to what to do about it.
You were born lost and are meant to remain so until you find yourself. That can only come about through study and experience. As you gain knowledge, maturity and wisdom you will be more likely to find that for which you look.
Challenge that which you have been taught. Challenge that which may "appear" real. You have the mind and intelligence in order to put it all together and attain a satisfactory understanding.
As religions go, there are many paths. But they all do eventually lead one back to the Oneness of God.
daniellejean- One of the greatest challenges in becoming an adult, is finding your own path in life. For some, it is a continuation of what they have learned as children. For others, it is exploring new ways of thinking and believing, and incorporating new ideas into into one's panoply of knowledge.
It is not an easy task, and is fraught with fear and anxiety. I certainly can understand what you are going through. The important thing is that you keep an open mind, and be open to what may be strange concepts for you. Learn and grow, accepting what seems "right" to you, and discarding the rest.
There are may paths to self awareness, and the understanding of each of our places in this universe.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace