They f*ck you up, your mum & dad ....

Just thought I'd share Philip Larkin's poem with you.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with it already.

But, isn't it spot on?

(No one's to blame really, the stuff-ups just get passed on ... & on ... & on .....)

Hey, Ms Auzzie. No, I wasn't familiar with said Philip, but I am now. <smile> Hope he ain't totally right.

Hey, Letty, I don't know whether he's right or wrong .... or whether the "damage" of being born & brought up by your parents is "permanent". But that little poem sure packs a punch!

I guess, msolga, it depends on which side of the table one is sitting. <smile>; however, I have become interested in searching out more of Mr. Larkin.

Now here's a thing!

It isn't, necessarily, permanent...and the key seems to be the ability to reflect on what has ocurred to give you the "state of mind" or cognitive schema that you have emerged with .....which helps to change a negative one....(preferably in the presence of a good relationship with partner/friends/therapist).....

The ability to reflect with flexibility, reactivity, comapssion and some degree of objectivity appears to predict an "earned secure" attachment style as an adult, if you dinna have it as a kid....which in turn is predictive of secure attachment in your own kids...which doesn't make thing sperfect for them , of course, but it sure helps!

Ha!

This little poem came to mind this afternoon, Letty, when I was talking to a dear friend about the trials & tribulations, the joys & sorrows brought about by her (& her husband) bringing up two daughters. We spoke of the angry, furious stuff kids go through about their parents. (And how we had felt that way about our parents!)The helpless guilt that parents feel about being so "imperfect" & "faulty". The whole drama of family life! I said that it was just as well I had remained childless. I could just see off-spring of my own keeping shrinks & counsellors in business for years while they struggled to discover just why it was that ! had stuffed up their lives so badly! :wink:

Still working on that, Deb! :wink:

Aren't we all.....or most of us!

Well, fancy that! Ungrateful little wretches!

I'd guess that everything I did as a parent was either because my mother parented that way--or my mother didn't parent that way.

Since I didn't have a wishy-washy mother and since I'm not particularly wishy-washy myself my sons turned out to be People With Quirks Who Were Not Wishy-Washy.

I love that poem!

Yeah, that's one of the things I struggle with -- to not go too far in the OTHER direction, for things that I want to change from how I was raised.

Oh, I love it, too, soz! It's stayed lodged in my brain for years & years. It has such a wonderful ring of truth. Not bitterness, really. More, well, that's the way things are! It's more of a <sigh> than a scream of anguish.

And let me tell you, this is precisely what I did, following my experience of family:

Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

~

But just to show that I'm not a hardened cynic (heaven forbid!) this song (by Randy Newman) never fails to put a lump in my throat. Parent to child:

Memo To My Son

What have you done to the mirror?
What have you done to the floor?
Can't I go nowhere without you?
Can't I leave you alone any more?

I know you don't think much of me
But someday you'll understand
Wait'll you learn how to talk, baby
I'll show you how smart I am

A quitter never wins
A winner never quits
When the going gets tough
The tough get going

Maybe you don't know how to walk, baby
Maybe you can't talk none either
Maybe you never will, baby
But I'll always love you
I'll always love you

~

msolga, I never read that poem. I'm going to show it to my mom. We reconciled the past but her mom, my grandma, is still screwed in the head and will never change or admitt where she is wrong.

If your parents were f**ked up (like mine) you have to break the cycle. You have to be better then your parents so you don't **** your kid up.

Yes, Amigo, or sincerely else try to not do the same, as soz said.

Amigo, I'd be very interested to know what your mother thinks of Larkin's poem.

That's a great poem.

Maybe the next time my mum asks "why haven't you had kids yet?!" , I'll just hand over that poem.
:wink:

Sounds like you might have good reason for that response, flushd. :wink:

You got it msolga, I'll tell you what she thinks. (I think i'll leave it where my grandma will see it just to be an a$shole)

I would like to study the link with having a bad childhood and becoming a conscientiously active adults.