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Wed 23 Apr, 2003 11:14 am
Yesterday, while in a "not-completely-there" type of mood, I was frying an egg in 5 inches of oil when all of a sudden a bizarre thought came to me. "Have you ever noticed," I observed to myself, "that there seem to be an awful lot of intelligent, powerful, and otherwise just downright NEAT people on Able2Know!?"
"And have you noticed," I continued, "that absolutely none of them have plucked toenails, as far as I know?" Now I realize that you, as an ignorantly uninformed reader, might try to pass this shady coincidence as the mere result of pure random chance, rather than total, world-girdling, mind-straddling conspiracy, but I personally can simply not accept this! Open your eyes!! Read the signs!!!
I believe I've just discovered our deep, dark, ancient secret! No point in the hooded robes and solemn blood oaths of silence sworn by guttering torchlight anymore. Monger has spoken. Yes, there is an Able2Know conspiracy of Doom! You, too, may be eligible to join, tattoo our nifty logo on extremely private body parts, and otherwise participate in our sinister plans for world domination!
Who Can Be a Member?
To become an Initiate of the Conspiracy, you must meet the following criteria:
1. You must be a member of A2K, obviously
After all, how else would you hear all this Good News?
2. You must have a moustache
I really have no idea why this is an official rule. Technically, I don't have a mustache, but I'm currently conducting top-secret nuclear tests involving a cryogenically frozen clone of Salvador Dali in order to remedy this problem. For YOU to be eligible, however, you must be able to produce pictures or testimony from a fellow Initiate to prove that you once had a moustache, or you can fake it. (Women are encouraged to fake it.)
3. You must have severe mental issues
You are presumptively considered a Mental Issues carrier if you've ever exhibited any of the following behavior:
a) Searched for constellations formed from chicken pox spots.
b) Remained completely sane for at least 10 minutes after reading any of Dlowan's posts. Especially the ones where she rants 'bout not being a raging hippie.
c) Were ever inspired, while deep-frying an egg, to start an elaborate cult-like conspiracy to overthrow the world. (I qualify through points A and C.)
4. Repeat the following line while simultaneously squatting & hopping on one leg
"FLIEGENDE KINDERSCHEISSE!"
I realize that this fine print will likely scare away every single person who isn't some form of mutant freak of nature. We like it that way! We are a secretive, malevolent society willing to give, for the cause of utter world domination, several minutes of time on the weekends to write this sacred pact -- we are NOT mainstream!!
Any borderline cases will be decided by the iron whim of the Fellowship of Conspiracy of Doom Initiates. (Yes, we can be bribed!)
Solemn Laws of the Conspiracy
1. When asked if you are really an Initiate of a sinister conspiracy to dominate the world, silently leave the room, say "no comment," smile without speaking or otherwise contrive to leave the questioner nervous, confused, and just a little more paranoid than he/she was before.
2. Always and everywhere, strive to earn Official Conspiracy Coolness Points.
How to Earn Coolness Points
Any Initiate can award another Initiate Coolness Points. However, the award may be vetoed by any Initiate with more coolness points than the awarder. Here are some ways to earn Coolness Points:
· Practice your sinister maniacal laughter for use on non-Initiates.
· Recruit new members.
· Recover bits of mysterious Able2Know Conspiracy of Doom wisdom from the ancient records and report all discoveries -- new solemn laws, sinister world domination blueprints, etc.
· Be abducted by aliens. Alien impersonators give you partial credit.
· Think up more ways for Initiates to earn Coolness Points.
The Able2Know Conspiracy of Doom also has its very own counter-conspiracy -- the World A2K Doom Watchers Organization. They think they can monitor us, comprehend our dark designs, and foil them. The poor, doomed fools... 
Let the mystery be known! Who was the person who just earned a Coolness Point by choosing "No Comment" in the poll? You have just earned the rank of Saint Second Class, fellow initiate!
Pheonix, if ye have $3,125.00 (plus handling), you might be eligible for a trial membership. If you think you qualify, put the money in a cigar box and bury it in your backyard. One of our underground agents will contact you shortly.
Sozobe, I award thee 2 Coolness Points for a first-rate evil laugh!
Practice it as often as possible, then, on your next birthday, return to the place of your birth and, at precisely midnight, noting your birth time and date of observation, count all visible stars.
When you have done this, write to me and I'll tell you what to do next.
Sozobe gets yet another official Coolness Point for a first-rate evil moustache.
You've made LIEUTENANT SAINT.
hmmmmm..... I'm a dog, I have hair all over, there's a mustache there, really. You just can discern it from the rest of the hair.
Phoenix, there is considerable documentary evidence to prove all revolutions, wars, depressions, strikes and chaos stem from this greed you abundantly exhibit.
Make motions with your hands as though you were feeling up a sexy giantess. Next, chant loudly and clearly: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
You will be cured.
LittleK, we disciples of the faith are not speciesist against canines. Welcome aboard!
The process be complete. Behold the wonder:
Shanksh, Monger.... Can I feel up a giant instead of a giantess?
We can't guarantee the same results if the procedure is not followed precisely. Feel away, at your own risk.
MUAHAHAHHHAHAHHHHHHHAAAAAA!
-(Marks up another Coolness Point)-
Apparently, Monger, you are not a member of the....ahhh....ahhhh...well, apparently you are not one of the people involved in the...ahhh...ahhh...
...lemme see, now. How shall I put this?
Ahhh...watch your ass. You are messing with things that are, shall we say, bigger than you may realize.
You don't, for instance, think that someone as dumb as Dubya can accidentally get elected president of the United States, do you?
And you don't think that the fact that Dubya is mentioned as often as he is in this forum is just an accident either, do you?
And surely, you don't think that "crop circles" and "area fifty-one" contain the same number of letters is just a coincidence, do you?
Watch yourself.
That's all I'm gonna say!
Umm, I have a bit of a problem with the moustache rule. Those things really help others vilify you. I mean, if Saddam didn't have one I'm betting there'd be no war.
Do I have to grow it out?
Frank, rejoice grandly & open a large jug of wine, for your eyes are opened.
Phoenix, don't reject these teaching as false because we're crazy. The reason we're crazy is because they are true!
Craven, faking a moustache has been officially allowed in the membership charter.
Though, the better the fraud the more coolness points of course.
Good grief, you don't want to let the cat out of the bag, now do ya!
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