Teaching the perfectionist child

If his teacher does well with him, perhaps you should have a talk with his teacher.

I have talked to her. In truth, I don't know how well she does with him, only that he manages to learn at school so something must be happening. She isn't one-on-one with him much, but she's told me he is progressing and is a joy to have in class. I should have said in my first post that he's only in kindergarten.

I've also scoured the internet for advice but it comes up pretty shallow -- tells me not to do things I already don't do, but nothing constructive.

It sounds to me like an environment issue rather than him being a perfectionist.

If his teacher doesn't have these same problems, then it could be the differing environments. Maybe he feels more relaxed and able to make mistakes around his peers who are doing the same thing. Maybe he has concerns that he needs to be best at everything around you - wanting your praise and needing it to the extent that he gets so frustrated if he doesn't (in his opinion) instantly 'get it'.

I'd suggest you ask teacher if you can 'sit-in' on one of her classes to pick up pointers so you can then use the same or similar methods, phrases, tones with him when you are doing work with him at home. If you suggest that this is an extension of his school-lessons and should be treated just like what happens there, he might relate the two and feel less stressed. You don't think he is feeling that you are adding more work on him that his pals are getting, do you? He could be talking with them and finding out that their parents don't do extra work with them. He might feel like he is being punished or overworked. On the other hand, we treat our immediate loved ones less than we do strangers. He could be narky with you just because you are Mom!

There's definitely something to that last bit. Every now and again he throws mini tantrums. I asked him once, do you do that at school? He said no. I asked him why and he just got a funny look on his face. I said, because the other kids would think you were acting badly? And he said yes. He won't lose my love, but he might lose their respect.

I don't add extra work, just help him with the homework he gets and exercises the teacher asks that we do together. Observing him in class is probably a good idea. I plan to volunteer for story time next month, so maybe I could lurk about after without him knowing I'm there. I try really hard to keep the pressure off of him. I emphasize the good feelings that come with learning new things and the sense of independence that comes with doing things oneself, but I don't set goals or anything like that. I try to focus on the process and not the result.