How to get to heaven when you die

Also, it does help to cleanse yourself before passing...

How to get to heaven when you die?

Take a left at the entrance to Purgatory.

You call Jesus our savior. Now ask yourself exactly who and what he is supposed to save us from, and why we are supposedly in mortal danger in the first place.

Um, why would I be stupid enough to put my eternal life in the hands of a psychopathic God who drowned millions of people and animals, murdered all of the first born Egyptians, ordered his chosen people to slaughter men, women and babies in neighboring cities, and had his own son killed for no reason? God could have forgiven everyone for the imperfections they were born with (due to his poor design work) without killing anyone.

The only thing that I am sure of is that when I die, I will no longer be alive.



No thank you. I will pass on that one. I believe in taking the responsibility for my actions by myself.



Fanciful, but about as rational as the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny.



Why? 'Cause some primitive people who knew very little of the world said so? I think that humanity has evolved beyond those sorts of fairy tales.



I could probably (although there is no way to know for sure) acknowledge that he died on the cross. It has been documented historically, and crucifixion WAS the method of choice for execution in those times.

Rose from the dead? Nah! I stopped believing in ghosts when I was about eight years old.

Died for MY sins? He didn't even know me. Seems like a pretty foolish thing to do. I think that he died because he pissed off the powers-that-be in his society, and they wanted him out of the way.



No to all of this. I don't believe that there is a shread of evidence that there even is a God. I think that Jesus is an interesting historical figure, period. And I certainly have no intention of praying to him, or anyone else.

Do you have any other pronouncements?

Re: How to get to heaven when you die



Where oh where do I start Sammy? (yes I have named you Sammy and have decided you live in Virginia and are a racing enthusiast...free will, that is something else God gave me).

1)Realize I am a sinner...yeah I get that part. According to your Bible quotes we are all doomed.
2)Even Jesus is said to have sinned. Remember how he got angry with the moneychangers at the Temple? So this sinner (myself) is going to be saved by that sinner? Interesting. This is part of why I follow God but do not call myself a Christian.
3)You are in effect eliminating all Jewish persons, Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists and scads of others just because they don't feel Jesus is the only answer? Strange. According to your beliefs this would mean you are judging others which in its own right makes you a sinner.

I find it most interesting that you cited only New Testament verses. Consider this if you will, the New Testament was written by men who were trying to get people converted to Christianity in some format. According to your logic, Heaven was a no-go for everyone from Adam and Eve to Abel to innocent babies to Noah to Methuselah to Sarah and Esther and Samuel and Ezekiel and...well you get the idea, millions upon millions. Why were these people unable to get into Heaven? Oh that's right because they did not pray that Jesus was their salvation. Uh, correct me if I am wrong here,; but Jesus did not exist yet. So they were sinners with no chance of redemption?
You see Sam, this is why I believe in doing the best I can in how I live my life and I personally believe in God as my personal savior and main leader. However I also believe that those have died and gone before me are assisting to guide me through life. They hold me when the going gets rough. I cannot completely explain this except to say that I have felt their presence. Call me crazy (many have).

Bottom line for me is that anybody who tries to lead a decent life and does so with pure intentions has as good a chance at Heaven as me. I remember my mother always would cite a passage from The Bible: "In my Father's house there are many tables(also found as rooms,or mansions in some versions of The Bible), if it were not so I would have told you." John14:02 This was said according to the Bible by Jesus. Jesus was saying that we all have a chance and he never said you must fall on your knees and pray only to me. From what I have always figured, Jesus was another man on Earth and his main goal was to bring people forward to leading good and decent lives this is in part why the follow up to the preceding verse is that the only way is through him (Jesus). It was not (to me) saying Jesus is your only salvation but rather that Jesus is giving you information...and asking you to lead a decent life.

As I have indicated in the past, I do not know who is right and who is wrong, I just know that for me I must try to live a particular way and I do not believe that at the time of my demise I will go to a place where there are no Buddhists or Muslims or Jews or Agnostics. I believe they will all be there. I guess I will find out when I die.

Re: How to get to heaven when you die
No, you've got it all wrong, XFRODOBAGGINSX.


Listen:

ARE YOU 100% SURE THAT IF YOU DIED TODAY THAT YOU WOULD GO TO HEAVEN?

1. REALIZE THAT YOU ARE A SINNER AND IN NEED OF A SAVIOR:

Pt 1:27 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of UmpaLumpas;"

Ro 3:10 "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:"

This all began with the story of Bob and Trisha in the garden of Bognor Regis. The UmpaLumpas created them perfect, there was no death or sorrow. The UmpaLumpas told them not to sing in a minor key. They disobeyed The UmpaLumpas and as a result, sin entered into the world. The pain which this world sees is the result of sin.

2. BECAUSE OF OUR SINS, WE DIE BOTH SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY, BUT THE UMPALUMPAS SENT THEIR NEXT CREATION, GIBBONS, TO TAKE OUR PUNISHMENT AND GIVE US A CHANCE NOT TO HAVE TO GO TO HELL.

Qu 4:2489348.9 "For the wages of sin is less than minimum wage; but the gift of The UmpaLumpas is eternal life through Gibbons."

Psoskas 5:57& "But The UmpaLumpas commendeth there love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Gibbons danced for us."

Every person who has ever lived is a sinner and is not righteous because we do bad things. A sin is a crime against The UmpaLumpas, just as if you steal something at the store, it is punishable by going to jail. It's the same thing with sin. Even if we lie one time, the punishment is hell, which is a prison for those who commit crimes against The UmpaLumpas. No matter how well you live your life from then on, you have already committed a sin which will be punished if you are not pardoned. If you commit a crime, and then live as a good citizen you still will go to jail for the crime you committed. Right? Just as the president can pardon a crime so you won't go to jail, Gibbons can pardon your sins so that you do not go to hell, and can go to heaven when you die.

3. WE MUST CONFESS GIBBONS AS OUR SAVIORS WITH OUR MOUTHS AND BELIEVE IN OUR HEARTS THAT THEY FLY ON GIANT, SHINY, SPARKLING CDs, BY DOING THIS WE ARE RECEIVING THEM:

Thweio $11.99: "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the fine Gibbons, and shalt believe in thine heart that The UmpaLumpas hath set them a-dancing, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

Polbingbong 15-love: "But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become MiniUmpaLumpas, even to them that believe on his name: {power: or, the right, or, privilege}
(KJV)

You cannot get to heaven by being a good person, going to church, baptism or any other way other than by turning to Gibbons and doing a wee boogie for them. While these are good things to do, some people believe that they will get to heaven if they do these things, but The UmpaLumpas in my basement say that there is only one way to heaven and that is through doing some funky Gibbon dancing.

Will you do that today? If you will, you can be 100% sure that you will go to heaven when you die.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GIBBONS DANCE ON SHINY CDs FOR YOUR SINS? DO YOU ACCEPT WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU TO PAY FOR YOUR SINS?

4. If you are willing to receive the Gibbons as your Saviors please pray this from your heart to The UmpaLumpas,

"Dear GIBBONS, I believe that YOU dance like the crazy simians you are for my sins. I realize that I cannot get to heaven any other way other than to trust YOU as my SAVIORS. I ask you to forgive me for my sins and take me to heaven when I die. I receive YOU as my Lords and SAVIORS. Thank You for Saving me in the Gibbon's name amen"

If you prayed that prayer from your heart to The UmpaLumpas, and meant it with all of your heart, you are now a MiniUmpaLumpa, and will go to heaven when you die.

Now that you are on your way to heaven, you should attend a cheap retro karaoke night, and sing 'it's raining men' in a key far removed from the one on the backing track......



By the way, if you're wondering why you should believe any of this, you just don't have enough faith.

OMG Sanctuary, I need me some of those there towellettes!

I also bow down in eternal gratefulness to our Gibbons Dancing on Shiny CDs......praise thee, Oh Mighty Gibbons, Saviors of my Immortal Sins!!

bree

I was livin' me life as an Anglican
Let me tell you how I changed to a Baptist man
I was livin' me life as an Anglican
Let me tell you how I changed to a Baptist man
One night I was walking down Fred'rick street
Poor and hungry, no shoes on me feet
I passed a door that said "Down with sin"
It was the smell of food that pull me in

We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
Let's walk the heavenly road

Well, the leader walked up and he shook my hand
Said "I want you to be a holy man"
Right away I made a big decision
Me stomach was a growling but as to religion
I started over to get some food
When some sisters approached me in a mystic mood
They dunked me in the water 'bout four, five times
I couldn't see a thing 'cause I was almost blind
Singing I've got a sword in my hand
I'm going to use it well

I was drenched to me skin and I was feeling cold
But the sight of the food made me take a hold
The sisters started to break away
They said "Kneel, believers, kneel and pray"
I prayed and I prayed in a new-found style
In the meantime me taste buds was running wild
I was about to fall clear out of me seat
When a man jumped up and said "Before you eat
You got to moan, children, moan
You got to moan, children, moan
And if you want to go to Heaven when you die,
You got to moan, children, moan

Well, before I baptized I had plenty pain,
Now I find myself a free man again
Well, before I baptized I had plenty pain,
Now I find myself a free man again
Don't talk 'bout the leaders they treat me good,
Plenty sweet toil and plenty food
Brother it was then that I realized
Ev'ry man on earth should be baptized

Going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
Let's walk the heavenly road

Love it, edgarblythe.

Here's another favourite of mine:

Heaven

Fish (fly-replete, in depth of June,
Dawdling away their wat'ry noon)
Ponder deep wisdom, dark or clear,
Each secret fishy hope or fear.
Fish say, they have their Stream and Pond;
But is there anything Beyond?
This life cannot be All, they swear,
For how unpleasant, if it were!
One may not doubt that, somehow, Good
Shall come of Water and of Mud;
And, sure, the reverent eye must see
A Purpose in Liquidity.
We darkly know, by Faith we cry,
The future is not Wholly Dry.
Mud unto mud! -- Death eddies near --
Not here the appointed End, not here!
But somewhere, beyond Space and Time,
Is wetter water, slimier slime!
And there (they trust) there swimmeth One
Who swam ere rivers were begun,
Immense, of fishy form and mind,
Squamous, omnipotent, and kind;
And under that Almighty Fin,
The littlest fish may enter in.
Oh! never fly conceals a hook,
Fish say, in the Eternal Brook,
But more than mundane weeds are there,
And mud, celestially fair;
Fat caterpillars drift around,
And Paradisal grubs are found;
Unfading moths, immortal flies,
And the worm that never dies.
And in that Heaven of all their wish,
There shall be no more land, say fish.

Rupert Brooke