How to best keep babies from bursting into flames?

Never bathe your baby in diesel fuel.

Good call. Why do I keep forgetting that?!

Actually, my mother taught me to not set them out to dry by the camp fire after a diesel bath. Especially after shampooing their hair with diesel or unleaded.

I learned that lesson real fast.

And don't smoke while using Steno Fuel to soothe irritated skin when changing diapers. At least, don't light up.

It's all in the book. A book. Somewhere.

Ah. Found it. One of my childhood favorites:

"The Little Golden Book of Fireproof Babies".

Dad used to read it to me at bedtime.

There's a chapter on "Keep baby in flameproof ceramic capsule at all times".

And "Teach baby to use matches safely while gassing up the car".

Has pop-up colored pictures...

Good to see you fitting in so good around here.

Ah... Reminds me of the old days, this did... Sitting around the campfire...

Me, Mom and Dad, my older brothers, Baby Lucy with her little baby flamethrower...

After her diesel bath...

Bright warm times of childhood.

There's good stuff in that old book for Moms and Dads to remember, like:

Keep calm and take deep breaths. Remember that this is a common childhood occurance, and flames will diminish in nearly all cases naturally.

Do not scold Baby for bursting into flames. Chances are it is not Baby's doing.

If concerned overmuch, Dial 911. If the line is busy or if the Emergency Call Center is also on fire, find a phone directory and look up any pediatrician for guidance.

Do not hug Baby without wearing oven mitts. Lay Baby gently down in the fireplace. If you don't have a fireplace, the bassinette or kitchen table will do. Speak soothingly.

Avoid loud noises such as cats screaming, dogs barking, doors slamming, windows breaking, or firetruck sirens. The soft crackling of flames are very soothing to Baby.

If fireburst is caused by an oily substance such a petroleum product, a sack of sand will slow the flames considerably. Open the sack and pour sand on Baby, do not just drop an unopened sack of sand on Baby.

If flameburst is caused by an oily substance, rinsing with water will not remove it. But sometimes a water-compresser (powerwasher) will remove most of it.

Do not toast marshmallows or hot dogs, or fry burgers over Baby, unless it is close to dinnertime. They will only get cold and kinda manky by the time the rest of the family arrives home from school or work.

If Baby is active, do not let Baby run outside! It is highly embarrassing to have flaming babies running around the neighborhood, and fuels idle gossip. Your social life will take a nosedive.

When the rest of the family arrives home at the end of the day, put on a bright smiley face, hold Baby up (wearing oven mits), and say is a loud cheerful voice, "Guess what Baby did today!" Everyone will crowd around; their attention is guaranteed.

~~~~~

There is more, but some of the pages are unaccountably burned...

Oh yeah... It also says, "To prevent from bursting into flame, put Baby in a vacuum. Baby can't flame up in a vacuum."

My mother put me in a vacuum once (an old Hoover with the canvas dust sack and those big bristly brushes on the bottom), and I got really dirty.

Plus those canvas sacks smell awful, a lot like roasted cat fur.

That's another whole book in the series of Little Golden Books.

"How to Keep your Pets from Bursting into Flames".

Chapters on cats, dogs, iguanas, pet rocks...

Big section in there about flameproofing goldfish and guppies. Particularly tricky.

Back to the original post...

Isn't using asbestos diapers and jammies and bibs sort of like wrapping a potato in foil for baking with cheese and bacon, etc.?

I mean, that's good eatin' (the potato), but Baby?

There's probably a chapter in the book about that...

Yeah, just as I thought. It's in the burned part.

I smell an extended cinematic universe like the MCEU!
The $BN franchise of HTKY___ FBIFCEU!

Let's grab Disney's attention (And Money!)!

Where else do baby back ribs come from?

Don't rub your baby with a stick real hard, and they'll probably be all right. And remove the tinder from the crib.

What if the baby is on Tinder? I suppose it's better than Grindr, but still!

(ignore me. I'm just here for the giggles)