Is there anything that would cause you not forgive?

For me the only thing that would cause me to never forgive or forget is if anyone hurt one of my kids.

I don't think I could ever let that go, anything else, forgive and forget and move on.

No reason to not forget...to me forgiving is different than forgetting. I think you can forgive but not forget..in many situations you should not forget ....in part to protect you and your family

The forgiving to me is for you the one wronged ... And I can understand the kids as I am working through that now...working through trying to forgive.

Forgiveness is a deeply personal and complex situation. What works for one might not work for someone else.

For me, forgiveness came in the acknowledgement that I was wronged and the responsibility for becoming whole again isn't anyone else's but mine. Choosing to forgive allowed me to free myself of thoughts and feelings that made me less than what I deserved. It made me better to forgive.

Other people aren't like that. They do not have to forgive a wrong action in order to achieve their emotional balance. They can move on, get past the harm and still be the best person they know how to be.

You ask when do you really know that you've forgiven and let it go. The answer is, when you stop asking that question.

So what happens when multiple family members jump in on one to suggest being quiet due to stopping a family "rift" and this individual was a minor at the time with a cousin double her age at the time.

In other words against my beliefs I don't think I can ever forgive this person. And am having difficulty with others trying to quiet the situation... And accusing my daughter the victim of causing the family rift....I think that is the cause of my lack of forgiveness.

What, exactly are YOU the victim of?

My child ...I found out recently....not me. As jc boy suggested the type of situation that is the hardest to forgive. She is safe and fine....not touched but only a handful of people know and those that know had told her not to tell her parents because it would cause a fight in our family. Took her two years to tell us as a result.

He was at the family reunion prompting her to want to tell us...fortunately he was not with us much. My husband said he would have knocked him out if my MIL was not there, but we were mostly all there for her ... He left a day early.

These other family members that know his sister who is in her 30s for example wanted her to speak with him to deal with it. The long and short of it my husband told his mom after we left the reunion.

Another family is\was involved with him, but she was a young adult and chose to do so. So basically if we were to enlighten everyone it would hit three different families.

My daughter was a minor and was asked to be involved with the other two cousins...a threesome and shown porn ....he was a 30 year old man that was trusted and she was close friends with...like an uncle; my husband had been around him since he,was born.. (aren't they always)..she was scared of course and completely refused. He lives across country which is good and she used to have regular contact with him via text, Snapchat that sort of thing...nothing inappropriate until she went to visit my SIL and BIL.

RE the original question: I have three that can never have my forgiveness. Two of them are long dead. After them, I am forgiving to a fault.

That behaviour is illegal.

You shouldn't forgive him, you should report him to the police.

If there is any forgiving to do it can wait until he's served his sentence.

My thoughts too but although she was under 18 she was of the age for consent … weird you can be 16 and have sex with someone 50 and it is ok ….and I don’t know what the statue of limits is…if I knew at the time or near the time it happened I would have reached out to the police in that state… but since it is over 2 years

But don’t worry I suspect the natural process will work against him… it seems he has gone off the deep end… he walked in at my MIL house with a large spear taller than him and explained how it was legal to carry it…so I suspect it is just a matter of time…I will have no contact with him properly best my husband does the same as if his mom wasn’t around he definitely would have knocked him out or worse.

There's so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin.

It's only a matter of time before he does what?

How many other young girls has he been in contact with.

Over here 16 consent doesn't include coercive relationships with much older people.

If someone is in a position of trust with a child, like a teacher or youth leader they can be prosecuted for sexual behaviour even if it did occur after the age of 18.

I'm so sorry it happened to your child. I'm sure you're doing what's best for her regardless.

In the state it occurred if you over 14 you have one year to report it otherwise it is too late. Each state has its,own laws and believe it or not ...not all...but more liberal states tend to favor the criminal.

Yeah like you said if you are in a trusted position the laws are strict.

Yeah she was supposed to meet with her therapist when we talked it out...the therapist was sick so she canceled last minute. My daughter was upset so I told her to explain why you needed to meet with her of course the therapist arranged to meet with within an hour after taking medicine and allowing it to work....the therapist convinced her to tell her dad...she was worried about upsetting anyone and disturbing the reunion even though I told her she is the victim and she was not the cause of it...he is the one causing trouble within the famiky.

They therapist pretty much told her things along the same lines but she needed to hear it from an unbiased and trained person.

I could just see the relief on her face after she told her dad and almost hope that her dad would clock the lights out if him.

Oh and it is only a matter if time before he dies something stupid and gets his a$$ kicked or worse or thrown in jail carrying around a spear what an idiot.

There are no other young cousins my daughter is the youngest.

And in some states yeah consent has to do with someone within so many years...I was surprised by that states laws.

Not that I care, but more for others I heard he is or was getting help or therapy in regard to his obsession with sex. Odd the other cousin ...was still involved with her after she got married. From what I heard it had stopped her husband really did not like it...ya think?

Glad we are across country from all this.

When you no longer feel (anger) toward that person.

I know ...my focus is on my daughter.

Oh and I told her if anyone starts saying something about not telling anyone that SHE will cause a rift...I said send them my way I will let them know how they are re-victimizing her by blaming her. She needs to do what is best for her and what will make her feel better. It is all on him.

Makes sense.

1. "How do you know you have really forgiven and let go?"
is an intriguing question.

2. I believe some people misconstrue that saying they forgive someone and actually forgiving someone as having the same meaning.

3. Someone might say the words that they forgive someone, but in their heart, they still feel anger toward that person.

4. So, in that case, their words don't match their true feelings.

5. So, in actuality they really haven't forgiven that person.

You are misconstruing my comment and I sure hope you listen. I am confused, maddened and disappointed over your inaction for your daughter. You have done nothing of substance.

All those conversations you've must of had with your children about "you can tell me anything" didn't happen. You need to re-evaluate your relationship as to why your daughter didn't Trust you enough to come forward at the time. SHE did not TRUST you. Let that sink in. Then do something about that. You can go on and on about her mental frailty but when the chips fell, she did not come to you. At all.

All those people who KNEW and 1) did nothing and 2) advised your daughter to not tell are people who do not have you or your daughter's best interest at heart. They need confronted and atone for allowing a minor to handle this on her own. Serious trust procedures should be implemented, as in you don't trust ANY of them EVER again. They have failed you as a person, as a mother and a member of the family.

Almost every time you talk about your husband it's in the respect of how he uses violence to solve issues. He tends to fly off the handle and thinks beating people up is the best answer to every situation. This isn't the first time you've mention him wanting to beat people up. Does he not realize he's an adult and punching people is wrong??

You still have not made a report to the Police. It needs to go on record how this 30 yr old man committed Attempted Statutory Rape. Even if it's too late to prosecute over your daughter's case, it WILL alert the police to use patrol hours making sure he is staying away from minors.

DO something, Linkat.

And before you fly off the handle with me and make every attempt to deflect your behavior, just remember you put way too many personal situations on the internet. Maybe it's time to actually focus on your family instead of asking opinions on how to handle every situation.

I agree that the police in that state should be told. They may not be able to charge him due to their lax laws, but they can certainly warn him that they're keeping an eye out and if they get another report about him, your report will only strengthen it. The more people that know about him, the better.

I don't understand what you say about the laws - how is it, then, that Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell and others have been charged years after the fact?