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Mon 3 Jan, 2022 09:30 am
Finally a post not about my wife!!!!
Here's my situation. Last March my daughter had the family's first biological grandchild. My parents are over the moon about it. 4 generations strong. Well, since then I have done nothing more than buy my granddaughter the best of things. Dresses, crib, clothes, toys, etc. You name it and she's got it. Also, my sister, the baby's great-aunt (and god-mother) also buys her a ton of stuff. Given that this past Christmas was the baby's 1st Christmas I ordered her a really pretty Christmasy dress. She wore it to my church with me and my wife the Sunday before Christmas and everyone loved it. This past week my sister took her to church with her and she wanted her to wear the dress to their church. One thing about me is that I like to keep certain things as keep sakes. My daughter is 25 and I've still got some of her dresses when she was a baby. Certain items from other grandchildren I have. The baby's first pair of shoes, the outfit they came home from the hospital in, christening dresses, etc. Just certain things I want to keep. This being her first Christmas I wanted to keep that dress too. My mom knows I like to keep certain outfits. Well, like any given Sunday the siblings all meet up at the parent's house on Sunday just to hang out. When I got there, my sister was already there with my granddaughter and when I walked into the house she said to me "momma cut the baby's dress!" I looked at her sort of taken aback and said "she did what?" My mom them chimes in with a tone like so what and said, "I sure did because I couldn't get that dress off of her." It wasn't an elaborate dress. Simple with 2 or 3 buttons on the back and puffy sleeves. My mom apparently couldn't get my granddaughter's arms out of the dress so she took a pair of scissors and cut both the sleeves up to the collar of the dress. I looked at her and with a stern voice said, "that wasn't your dress to cut!" My mom's reply was, "well, I guess you gotta throw it away now." At that point I was so heated that I just grabbed the baby, packed her up, and left. I might have been there all of 5 minutes. I don't know whether to be madder at my mom for just cutting a dress that she didn't buy or madder at the fact that my granddaughter's first Christmas dress is now ruined. And why didn't my sister, who dressed her that morning, didn't just get the baby and take the dress off her? The minute my mom went towards her with the scissors someone should have stopped her. In my family the unwritten rule is to just let mom do what she wants. Now, had she bought the dress then if she wanted to cut it up into a million pieces she could have. But she didn't buy the dress, I did. And, I wanted to keep the dress. I'm sure a few of my siblings will come to me and say I was wrong to yell at my mom the way I did and especially to leave with the baby but I feel that sometimes you have to put your foot down to your parents. She was wrong and it's like she didn't even care that she destroyed someone else's property. My sister told me that she knew someone who could fix the dress but at this point the damage is already done. It's not like she cut the stitching of the dress, she cut the fabric. That's can't be repaired. Would I be wrong not to apologize and should she?
That's like me going over to the parent's home and not liking how a pillow feels on the sofa so I take a pair of scissors to it. That's not my pillow to destroy and neither was that her dress to destroy.
@Barry2021,
You both should apologize to your daughter. The dress wasn't your mom's and it wasn't yours either. Your daughter is the parent, not you, your sister or your mom. Maybe your daughter would have liked to save it, maybe not, but you are inserting yourself where you don't belong
PS. Who in their right mind cuts clothing of a child?
PPS: I hope that comment about "biological child" doesn't mean you are doting on this child at the expense of other grandchildren.
PPPS: Spending extravagantly on a small child is generally a waste of money. Consider a college fund instead.
@Barry2021,
If this is how your other behaves I can see why your wife is so reluctant to visit.
I can't get over the mindset of someone who would cut up a kid's dress without thinking of alternatives.
The only time it's acceptable to cut clothes off is if there is no alternative and they are in obvious distress, like when doctors cut the clothes off people who have had accidents.
Not only should you apologise you should take your mother to task for this.
And I can't help thinking this would never had happened if you had stood up to your mother before now.
@engineer,
engineer wrote:
You both should apologize to your daughter. The dress wasn't your mom's and it wasn't yours either. Your daughter is the parent, not you, your sister or your mom. Maybe your daughter would have liked to save it, maybe not, but you are inserting yourself where you don't belong
PS. Who in their right mind cuts clothing of a child?
PPS: I hope that comment about "biological child" doesn't mean you are doting on this child at the expense of other grandchildren.
PPPS: Spending extravagantly on a small child is generally a waste of money. Consider a college fund instead.
No, I didn't buy the dress for my daughter. I bought the dress because I wanted her to have the dress. My daughter has nothing to do with this. And even if I did buy the dress for my daughter it was still my money and my mom had no right to just cut the dress.
And no, I have saved other things from my non-biological grandchildren as well. My wife's son, my step-son has 2 daughters. One we see and one we don't. I have a ton of things from the one we help raise as well. The first dress we took her to church in, specialty dresses that she looked really cute in. And I also saved a pacifier from each of all my grandkids. No, I'm not just singling out this one because she in my biological grandchild.
And it's not spending extravagantly but if I spend my money on a nice outfit then that's my money.
And you're right, who cuts a child out of clothing? Tell that to my mom. Again, I wasn't there when she did it and honestly, that's the first time I've ever known her to do that. Could be her getting up in years and wasn't thinking with a sound mind. What if my granddaughter would have jerked and she stabbed or cut her with the scissors. My sister just sat there and let it happen.
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:
If this is how your other behaves I can see why your wife is so reluctant to visit.
I can't get over the mindset of someone who would cut up a kid's dress without thinking of alternatives.
The only time it's acceptable to cut clothes off is if there is no alternative and they are in obvious distress, like when doctors cut the clothes off people who have had accidents.
Not only should you apologise you should take your mother to task for this.
And I can't help thinking this would never had happened if you had stood up to your mother before now.
This was not about never standing up to her because this was the first time she ever went to this extreme. My mom is in her 70s so maybe she wasn't thinking clearly, I don't know. I can't speculate but again, why didn't my sister just get the baby and undress her? She had no problem dressing her that morning for church. Several months ago my mom made the baby a bottle and when the baby took the first pull from it she immediately started crying. My mom is from the old school that you warm the bottle first but she made the bottle so hot until it was undrinkable for a while. We, my daughter and I only use room temp bottled water. And no, this has nothing to do with why my wife doesn't like to visit on Sundays. When I walked into the house visibly upset with the baby and told her what happened she was shocked too. The dress wasn't some form fitting number. My mom just couldn't get her arms out of the sleeves so she just cut them.
@Barry2021,
Once you GIVE something to someone else it is no longer yours and you lose the right to any decision in which the gift is handled. That us what a gift is.
Now if you really wanted to keep this dress ... Then the appropriate thing would be to buy the dress and make it clear it is for use for Christ ma's and then returned to you. Sort if a borrow rather than a gift.
But as far as who should apologize .. Don't know...you don't even have a clear picture of what went on.
In the end though the dress belongs to your granddaughter as you gave it to her.seeing she is an infant then...what is done with the dress would be her parent...so it is your daughter who should be concerned whether she should gave an apology or not..you no longer own the dress so it is no concern of yours.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
Once you GIVE something to someone else it is no longer yours and you lose the right to any decision in which the gift is handled. That us what a gift is.
Now if you really wanted to keep this dress ... Then the appropriate thing would be to buy the dress and make it clear it is for use for Christ ma's and then returned to you. Sort if a borrow rather than a gift.
Where did you read I "gave" the dress to my daughter? "I" bought the dress for her to wear to our church. I didn't buy the dress and give it to my daughter. So technically, this wasn't a gift. I bought it for her to wear. We take the baby to church with us. My daughter typically works on sunday's so she doesn't go to church. Again, this was not a gift given to my daughter for the baby. It was a dress bought so she could wear it to church with us. We have a ton of clothes here for her so not everything bought for a baby belongs to the parent(s).
@Barry2021,
You have to spend every Sunday at your parents after going to church.
That doesn't sound like someone who stands up to their parents.
Like I said I cannot get over the mindset of someone who would cut clothes like that. It shows a overwhelming sense of entitlement and no consideration towards others.
People only behave like that if they're used to being unchallenged.
And yes Linkat is right, the dress is no longer yours, it is your daughter's. If she had wanted to sell it without even trying it on her daughter she would have been well within her rights to do something. Although you would have had every right to have been upset had she done so.
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:
You have to spend every Sunday at your parents after going to church.
That doesn't sound like someone who stands up to their parents.
Like I said I cannot get over the mindset of someone who would cut clothes like that. It shows a overwhelming sense of entitlement and no consideration towards others.
People only behave like that if they're used to being unchallenged.
And yes Linkat is right, the dress is no longer yours, it is your daughter's. If she had wanted to sell it without even trying it on her daughter she would have been well within her rights to do something. Although you would have had every right to have been upset had she done so.
I don't have to go every Sunday, I choose to. We've been doing that since I was a baby. Every Sunday my parents would load all of us in the family car and we'd go visit with our grandparents. All my dad's brothers and sisters would be there and all the cousins can play together. It's just something we do as a family. That honestly has nothing to do with not standing up to my mom. There are some Sundays I don't go but typically if it's a lazy Sunday afternoon I'm usually there.
And no, that dress was not my daughter's, it was mine. I bought it for my granddaughter to wear not to give to my daughter so my granddaughter could wear. The baby spends a ton of time here at our house just like she does at my sister's house. We both have a closet and drawers full of clothes for the baby but that doesn't mean that everything we have belongs to my daughter.
Sounds like you don't think you need to apologize, so don't. I agree with you, actually. If you bought that dress for the baby and you consider it yours, then no one has the right to destroy it.
I think your mother went over the line and if any apology is needed, it's from her.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
Sounds like you don't think you need to apologize, so don't. I agree with you, actually. If you bought that dress for the baby and you consider it yours, then no one has the right to destroy it.
I think your mother went over the line and if any apology is needed, it's from her.
That's all I'm saying. She didn't pay for it so she had no right to destroy it simply because she was having trouble getting her out of the dress. Like I said earlier, what if the baby would have jerked suddenly or made the wrong move and my mom would have cut or stabbed her with those scissors? Then she would have been all apologetic and sorry. But since that didn't happen she's taking a nonchalant attitude towards it. "Yeah, I cut it because I couldn't get it off her" and "I guess you just gotta throw the dress away." Granted, she only wore the dress twice but it was my dress that I paid for and wanted to keep.
@Barry2021,
What did you say to your mom, anyway? At the time, I mean.
@Mame,
"A2K are going to hear about this!"
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
What did you say to your mom, anyway? At the time, I mean.
Oh, I told her tht was not her dress to destroy nor was it her money that she spent. That's when she gave me the response, "yeah, I cut it because I couldn't get it off her." She acts like she didn't care that she cut it. I was just supposed to be fine with the fact that she cut the dress. I was suppose to just sit down and act like nothing happened. I packed up the baby and left. Again, I was only there 5 maybe 10 minutes tops.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
What did you say to your mom, anyway? At the time, I mean.
Oh, I told her that was not her dress to destroy nor was it her money that she spent. That's when she gave me the response, "yeah, I cut it because I couldn't get it off her." She acts like she didn't care that she cut it. I was just supposed to be fine with the fact that she cut the dress. I was suppose to just sit down and act like nothing happened. I packed up the baby and left. Again, I was only there 5 maybe 10 minutes tops.
I suggest gramma stay away from the children...she does not seem to be working with a full deck...you aren't going to get an apology from a crazy lady so really why dies it matter.
And I'd keep sharp objects from her.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I suggest gramma stay away from the children...she does not seem to be working with a full deck...you aren't going to get an apology from a crazy lady so really why dies it matter.
And I'd keep sharp objects from her.
You're right, I probably won't get an apology from her because she feels that what she did was right.
@Barry2021,
Why did she need to undress the kid anyway?
@izzythepush,
Yeah, and why didn't someone else take over when they saw she was having trouble?
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