New Job - when to walk away

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My recent college graduate daughter got a new job. Some background - she recently graduated with a science related degree. She is unsure whether she wants to go the route of being a teacher or ecology policy - so she is delaying going to graduate school until next fall where she would either go locally or online.

In the mean time having experience with children she took a nanny job. It is with a wealthy family with 4 boys - some are in school so it is not that she is watching 4 boys all the time. This family scoffed at first at the minimum pay per hour my daughter gave them (she got paid this for 2 kids previously). Any way she has worked for them a couple of weeks. Last week was her first official week.

They sent her a schedule of the hours they needed - most would stay about the same but some would change from week to week with the premise it would be 40 hours. So her first week - started out ok. She was going to work just Friday until about noon and then Saturday evening 6 - midnight. So on Friday the dad was around a bit and gave her a hard time for playing with the boys - he said you are supposed to be in charge not playing (he told her before she took the job they did not like the previous sitter as she would not engage and play with the children). Anyway he then was talking to her about (what she thought) was Saturday night.

Come to find out after she got home he wanted her to come back and watch the kids that night - she said she had plans and he called her and got a little irate by it but she stuck by her guns. Sounded like he was bullying her to get her to babysit.

On Saturday they asked her to come earlier - she did so she was there at 2 instead of 6. Then they said they may stay over at a hotel so she brought her stuff - the mom said they would be back by lunch time - they did not get back until a little after 3. They kids were monsters - one kicking her in the face and another calling her a$$hole because my daughter does not allow them to do whatever they want. When the parents came home - they gave her $300 cash and said she could have tomorrow off. The dad laughed when she told them about their 3 year old calling her an a$$hole.

The kids sound spoiled and allowed to do whatever they want - the parents just throw an ipad to them to keep them occupied. The dad sounds like a spoiled brat himself used to getting whatever he wants. I told her she doesn't need to deal with it. Put it to you this way right after she accepted this offer - she had 5 or 6 other families reaching out to her. She feels bad about leaving them as the mom said the kids have not had a stable care giver (since an au pair from Mexico had to leave due to her work visa). Wonder why?

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Your daughter is highly qualified and employable. She does not need this ****.

My late wife got a job working as a nanny in Istanbul.

The working conditions were nothing like what was advertised, and they kept hold of her return ticket.

She left and got a job waitressing.

As a teacher I would never suggest anyone go into teaching straight after leaving university, you need a bit of life experience outside of academia.

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@Linkat,

People who employ others to work in their house as gardeners, cleaners, nannies or au pairs can have a servant master mentality where they think they can pretty much do what they want.

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@izzythepush,

I talked to my daughter - she feels better today - the mom is really nice to work for and most of the time she deals with her.

The dad sounds like an a$$ - but she rarely deals with him. She says if he gives her anything like before she is going to speak up right then.

Before she went to work for him I looked them up - especially since they said they would take her on vacations and so forth - before she took the job and was just babysitting to see how they would work out together, the father did almost everything but beg her to take the job - probably knowing how much of monsters the kids are. Even saying when they are on vacation they would get her spa treatments and massages -- so I wanted to check them out before she went to work with them.

It seems he inherited the business from his father but it makes it seem as if he grew the business (who knows maybe he did increase it) but from what he sounds like, he has had things given to him.

In one way she is in the drivers seat as I told her - she could walk away from this at any time. There are other opportunities out there - she just does like to work with kids and will also be coaching a middle school team come November part time. Give herself time to determine if she would like to teach or go with what she thought to pursue before. While paying off her student loans. Fortunately monthly they are not too much (we were able to keep her debt low) and so she is paying at least double if not more each month.

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@Linkat,

These people are not going to change. I think the time to leave is right now. I'm with Izzy on this.

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@Linkat,

I doubt that it will be much of a vacation for her.

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@izzythepush,

not that I don't disagree with you all - but she is 22 so ultimately it is her decision.

She said she was teaching then please and thank you - apparently even the kids in school have not learned that yet.

Oh and he was hinting that they have an apartment there - (which the previous au pair had) - basically saying she could stay there - it is a couple of towns over so not far at all. There is no way she would want to be a live in nanny - especially for a family that tries to overreach already.

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@Linkat,

I'm a bit dubious of hints, I prefer everything in black and white beforehand, that way you don't have to deal with people apologising for giving the wrong impression.

Like you said she's an adult it's her choice.

And I was only giving advice.

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@izzythepush,

Yep - she did get in writing her hours - but it is week by week. But then they simply changed it while they were out - and she was there at their home with the kids.

I told her I would come over and cover for her and she could some home - but she wouldn't let me. Probably wouldn't be a good outcome if I directly told the dad that his kids are almost as bratty as he is.

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@Linkat,

Probably not.

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They sound like a horrible family. I would not stay there.

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This “over- reaching” is just beginning. They are dangling the perks in hope it makes everything OK. Your daughter must set standards right now about what she will tolerate from employers who exhaust and use their employees.

Let her figure this out. It will be a good learning experience for her.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

This “over- reaching” is just beginning. They are dangling the perks in hope it makes everything OK. Your daughter must set standards right now about what she will tolerate from employers who exhaust and use their employees.

Let her figure this out. It will be a good learning experience for her.

Yes that is my thought as well - where do you step in - my husband and I said we would not unless it became something that crosses a line - illegal or harmful.

We provide advice but yes letting her figure this out. I also figure it is good experience if she does become a teacher dealing with unreasonable parents.

I know even though she is quiet - she is confident - she used to umpire for softball and score keep for basketball games - the parents and coaches would get all irate - she did not lose her cool and just stood by her guns - quietly but confidently.

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Update - they have gotten a bit better. However, it is still not good and pretty stressful for her. The other day she came home and she was visibly upset. I let it settle because I knew she would vent.

For a bit more background - this family decides each week the hours they would like her to work with the agreement that two days during the week she gets out earlier (she has a hostess job she does two nights) and at least one day off on the weekend - and total hours are 40. They do this in part so that if a kid has an activity or a parent(s) needs to be away they have her there to help or take care of the kids.

So for her this is difficult - she is a planner and this mom is horrible of giving her the schedule - this past week she found out late on Sunday. So any way the other day she was to come in early have a few hours off in the afternoon and then come back late afternoon as one kid had an event.

The late afternoon/early evening was horrible - the other kids refused to eat dinner - the dad was there - but he does nothing but according to my daughter did proceed to scream at them in my daughter's opinion in a completely inappropriate way. Then finally the ate some and she got them ready for baths and bed. When mom came home they were not completely ready and there was the dinner dishes (rinsed) in the sink. So my daughter was about a half hour - to hour later coming home - which is usual with them - they say 9 - 3 and she ends up actually leaving at 4 because mom comes back late.

So then she gets a long text from the mom explaining the kids should have dinner by x time and should be bathed by x time, and there should not be any dishes in the sink. Stuff like that. That flipped out my daughter as the mom herself in incapable of handling all the kids at the same time to bath and put to bed (why one day a week my daughter needs to be there at that time because dad golfs then) - how is it expected that my daughter can handle all that on her own and clean everything up?

She since has applied for a local business that is a breakfast/lunch place that is like an upscale cafe with healthy dishes - you come to the counter and order. That place rocks and is very popular - she knows two other young women that work there and they pay starts at this family's current salary on up, plus tips and people tip well there. It is a mile from our home and everyone that work there always has smiles on their faces. Fingers crossed because the stress is certainly not worth it.

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@Linkat,

Oh and not to mention she has gotten bit by one of the boys and also the 4 year old has used the f- word on her. My daughter has worked at a summer camp for the last four years (except the prior summer with covid) and she said there have been some tough undisciplined kids there but none any where close to these kids.

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That family sounds like a nightmare! Undisciplined kids, unappreciative parents, inappropriate father, and the mom! Well... I wouldn't wait till I got another job, I'd just quit.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

That family sounds like a nightmare! Undisciplined kids, unappreciative parents, inappropriate father, and the mom! Well... I wouldn't wait till I got another job, I'd just quit.

We had told her after the overnight - nightmare - if she wanted to just quit we would cover any of her monthly bills (which she actually doesn't have any that start until another month) we would cover for her. But I wouldn't worry as jobs are coming out of the woodwork - every where is hiring - she is just trying to be responsible with her expenses.

The thing that seems to happen is when it ends up being really bad - the mom will come back and say something like do you want tomorrow off - like after that overnight thing; and then today she was supposed to go in at 11:30 - she said why don't you come in at 2:30 (in part also to probably make up for the extra hours she ends up being there and also realizing they could lose her)

The only positive is - they are good about paying her.

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The funny thing is she has babysat somewhat regularly with another family. This family has 3 kids - similar ages - 2 boys and a girl - and they are wonderful to work for. The kids are so sweet - the boy and girl are very close and loving and they adore my daughter. The baby is a boy and well a typical baby with the attention a baby requires.

Unfortunately even though they needed someone during this school year (mom decided to home school because she did not want the kids to have to wear masks all day) - they are kindergarten and preschool age so it really is not a big deal, but she needed someone just not full time to help with the baby and other cleaning while she was teaching them.

She has a couple of times since though babysat them at night. Their dad coincidently owns the same sort of business as that other family. But they are worlds a part in how they handle their family life.

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@Linkat,

I'd be walking out. I hope your daughter finds another job. Did she quit? They wouldn't be a good reference anyway, I suspect.

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@Mame,

She hasn't quit yet (waiting to see if she gets this job) - but she has a bad cold (which I suspect she caught from this family as they have all been sick) - so she just text the mom and told her - she does not have a fever and although has cold symptoms which we know can cross paths with covid symptoms the mom told her to stay home today. My daughter is not worried as she had covid before and the symptoms though similar are not close to the way she felt when she had covid.

The mom told her to go out and get a rapid at home test (her husband did when he had the same cold symptoms) - there are none available within quite a distance and we cannot get in any where for days for a covid test.

So at least she has today off - maybe more. So the cold is a blessing.

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