When my son died the condolences I found most comforting were from the people who let me know they cared about my pain. The single most helpful comment was, "You will always have your memories."
People who wanted to talk about the will of God or the ways of the universe or point out cheerful side effects had to be endured when my resources were pathetically low.
We lost a grandaughter (2 months old, SIDS) a few years ago. Bears older daughter and her husband were basically in a daze. I listened to others trying to be helpful, but mostly people were very uncomfortable and didn't know what to say.
A neighbor lost their teenaged son via a drunk driver. A few months later their younger teen son shot himself so he could go be with his brother.
There's no sense that I could make of any of it. No words could bring them back. And, to hear people at the second funeral of the neighbor saying "He's with his brother now" really bothered me. I'm not sure how it sat with the parents.
As others have said, I think the most benefit to the parents is in being there to listen when they need to grieve. Don't shy away from the subject or try to cut them short with nonsensical statements. Just listen and be there. If nothing else comes to mind, and you feel like you need to say something (as when going through the viewing line) just tell them you love them and will be there to help them through. Then, be there.
The best thing to do is let them know you are there for them and while you can't understand their pain (unless you too have lost a child), you feel for them.
I've heard people say that in time you will "get over it" and "move on" (not just with children either) and that is the WORST thing you can say, IMO. You never "get over" losing someone. You just get used to not having them around. And that was something someone once told me (not a child) and it really helped knowing that I wasn't suppose to feel better in a certain amount of time or "snap out of it". I think people worry that their grief should be over in a certain amount of time or other people worry that the griever has been grieving too long.
Good points, all, Miss Bella . . . my grandmother has been gone for many years now, but she raised me, and in the quiet hours before sleep comes, or as i slowly awaken, i often clearly hear her speaking my name, and it sets me bolt up-right and wide awake . . .
Setanta wrote:Good points, all, Miss Bella . . . my grandmother has been gone for many years now, but she raised me, and in the quiet hours before sleep comes, or as i slowly awaken, i often clearly hear her speaking my name, and it sets me bolt up-right and wide awake . . .
Just a reminder that she hasn't left you. :wink:
Would that she never will . . .
Setanta wrote:I rather suspect that Joe Sixpack is your way of dissembling, a bit of self-deprecation which absolves you of the consequences of scaling heights to which others might allege you ought not to have aspired in the first place.
Me, i like to sing and dance, and i'll sing and dance on your grave as quickly and surely as i will happily sing and dance at your wedding. Though i sing out of key, or misstep in the dance, does not lessen my enjoyment of, nor intention to continue to sing and dance.
You are quite right, as usual. I am not the authority, nor do I pretend to be.
None of us are authorities, Boss, when it comes to a topic such as this.
I think that others have given quite good advice here, and i hope that they will have helped you.
I take back all of my rotten thoughts about you.
I could save a few, just in case.
Thanks, i feel better already . . .
Over 20K and not some sort of guru? I think you deserve better.
